Heavy Is The Cost

The Weight of Us

She stood, staring at her locker for a long while, her eyes tracing the three slots in the metal and the hinges that the door sat on. She sighed. I don't want to do a talent show. I don't want to dance in front of the school. She opened the locker door with a creak. I don't want to be friends with Mike, or Horus, or Jeremy. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to do the talent show with them. She angrily gripped a few hefty books from the locker, and fumbled with them, lost in her angry thoughts. I don't want to be around Jeremy. I don't want to worry about him. I don't want to know about his dad and I don't want to protect him from bullies. I don't want to protect Mike from bullies. Fumble, fumble, fall. She dropped the books with an echoing, near deafening thud that racketed off the walls of the hallway. Sarah bent down to pick them up, but they were kicked out of her reach. I can barely protect myself from bullies as it is, she concluded, standing straight to face the familiar punk. Jacob stood with a cocky grin smeared across his face.

I don't have time for this. I should punch him in the face. Instead, she refrained herself, and slammed the locker door shut.

"That's a bit aggressive, huh?" Shut up, she wanted to shout. Just shut up. Begrudgingly, she gave him a cold, long stare as she started to walk towards where her book had ended up across the hall. She was stopped abruptly, however, with Jacob's hand on her arm. A forbidden hand, Sarah noted silently, almost subconsciously. A forbidden hand, a forbidden touch. She yanked her arm away fiercely and immediately, suddenly feeling queasy.

"What do you want?" Sarah was angry. Undeniably, unbelievably angry. And yet, more than that, the anger masked a second feeling, a feeling she'd grown to live with and admire, a feeling she'd had for over a year now. A feeling that she could barely even identify anymore.

Fear.

"You're too uptight," the boy smugly replied. Being too loose, Sarah thought, is what made me get raped.

"If you don't leave me alone," she said finally, inhaling deeply, struggling to stay in control of her own body, "then I will kick your teeth in."

"Oh ho ho, feisty?" She glared up at him for a long moment, churning insults and what if's inside of her head. Then, a slow movement, almost slow motion- he lifted a hand, raised it to her shoulder. She flinched back unexpectedly, the fear overcoming the anger, and disguising itself as hate. She stood, legs wide, in a strong, almost sporty stance, hearing nothing but the blood rushing in her ears. Then, a quick movement that was only hers, not his.

My hands belong to me.
My legs belong to me.
My body belongs to me.

And here and now, I'll use it.

She lifted a knee swiftly, and plunged it straight into his gut. Jacob called out dryly, hoarsely, quietly, and stumbled backwards, a newfound rage flicking in his eyes and replacing the playfulness of a tease.

"Gonna beat me up?" He said. "Gonna hurt me the same way you hurt that friend of yours? The one who follows you like a dog? Yeah, I saw his black eye, I know you did that to him!"

"What?" She spat. "You think I did that to him? Are you on drugs or something?"

"You picked on him on the first day of school, didn't you?" he scowled.

"That was different," Sarah demanded.

"Oh yeah? What was different? The fact that this time you left him off worse?? You slut." He must be on really strong drugs, Sarah decided. Like heroin. Does heroin turn people into bullies? Then, quickly, he shoved her hard by her shoulders, ramming her back into the lockers loudly. Crank! A few people gathered around and videoed. A moment passed. A long, burdened moment, where Sarah tuned into the rage she felt, the sad she felt, the fear she felt, where all she could hear was her breathing and the steady thump thump of her heartbeat. Then, a rush, a surge of adrenaline that pulled time back into the present and into the future, speeding up time as she knew it.