What The Eyes Don't See

26 | Dead Man's Lament

The shock was absolute.

He could see his face but could not bring himself to believe it. It was not the same Kautuk that he knew. The face was paler. Meshes of veins were prominent under the eyes and on the cheeks. The smile on his lips, which Anay was so used to being comforted by, was gone. Instead, there was a hurt and angry expression on the face. The lips were frozen into a puckered grimace, and a deadpan expression filled those cold, staring blue eyes.

"Wh-who are you?" Anay asked, stepping back.

The lips moved. A wisp of cold breath came out of it, as if clearing the pathway for more words to come. In that breath, Anay smelled the same putridness that emanated from stale meat past its due date in a cold storage.

Then the lips opened, and cold flat words swept out of them that had no intonation or modulation.

"At long last, I have you where I wanted."

"What do you mean?" Anay said even as he felt the steeliness of his own words within his throat.

Kautuk swept forward. "Don't you recognize me, brother?"

"Truly, I don't," Anay said, cowering under the assault of those stony words. "I don't know what you are."

"I am your colleague. Your office buddy. Your best friend. The lapdog who always hung around by your side for years, but you noticed me only when you needed me."

"But you can't be Kautuk! He's a living breathing person."

"Ha! Living, breathing. What does 'living, breathing' mean? Does it mean only to exist? Does it not mean to be noticed and appreciated? Think about the time before your life started getting fucked up. Think about your friends at that time. Your group of friends. That Vishwa, he had Renee. You, you had a job, an apartment, your freedom. What did Kautuk have? He just tagged along with you guys, wherever you went, whatever you did. No different than a pet dog that you would take along with you. What other purpose did he have?"

"It is not like that!" Anay backed off further, stumbling into a row of seats, for that mysterious being had now stepped ahead in his rage. "Kautuk is the jolly one of our group, the one who keeps us together."

All of a sudden, Kautuk glided forth with a hissing sound, zooming like a projectile, and jabbed a finger into Anay's chest. With remarkable rage, he spewed forth words that would ring in Anay's ears for a long time to come: "NOT EVERYONE WEARS THEIR PAIN LIKE A BADGE!"

Anay felt the piercing fingertip on his chest. "What? What does that mean?"

"People suppress their pain. People don't talk about it. It does not mean they do not have it."

"But why would you, Kautuk..."

"STOP IT! Kautuk! Kautuk! Kautuk!" He repeated the name like a clacking lizard, with his tongue pressing hard and rapidly against those rotting teeth. "What did you know about Kautuk? What do you know about anyone, you selfish bastard?"

"I... I don't understand..." Anay had no words. His eyes spoke for him and they displayed utmost fear.

"You fool! You don't understand because your mind is so narrow. You can only see what bites you on the nose. Don't you see that I am not this poor sucker, Kautuk? I have just been using his body for a while. I didn't need his body before. I would follow you as a ghost—in the conference room, in the elevator, at the restaurant, that was me! Others could see me, but you could not. Because I didn't want to show myself to you. All I wanted was to follow you. We have had a very complex relationship, Anay Ghosh, only you have never known it."