Hold My Hand

13

"You don't want to go to graduation?" Will asks incredulously. I nervously scrape the inside of my index finger with my thumbnail, keeping a rhythm that helps soothe the anxiety.

"It's not that I don't- I just" I clench my fist and press my lips together in frustration. "Silas needs me to go and take classes before the semester starts. If I don't then I can't attend."

"Don't you think it's a bit odd that they're telling you to skip graduation?"

"They didn't, Will. I am. I mean, I want to." Will stares at me from across the table skeptically. 

"Yes, I am required to take classes that start very soon after graduation, but if I cared about graduation and all that bullshit in the first place, I would have said no!"

"You may not care about graduation, but I do, Carmilla." He grips the edge of the table, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. "I never graduated. Mom never graduated. Nobody in this family has ever walked across a stage and received their diploma before. I want to see you walk across that stage."

"I hope you realize you're being a huge hypocrite right now, William." I bite out his full name with a clenched jaw. We stare each other down for a good minute. I break the eye contact by looking down at my phone. Seeing the time, I curse under my breath and pick up my jacket, draping it over my arm and standing. "I have to go to work."

"Kitty," Will sighs.

"No, Will." I say. "You want me to graduate and go to college? I'm doing that. That is exactly what I'm doing. You want to see me walk across a damn stage in a gown with a weird cap? That's just vanity. It's expensive and a waste of time that could be spent spent actually celebrating with you. I'm trying to get a head start. For once in my damn life I'm making the most of an opportunity that I've been given, and here you are saying that I-" I clear my throat and clench my jaw shut. I squeeze my eyes shut and open them to try and get rid of the angry tears. I'm quickly running out of words to say, and I can't just stand here and cry in front of him. "I have to go to work."

He doesn't follow me when I walk out the front door, making as much noise as I can to try and vent my anger. I don't know what I would have done if he did. Maybe I would have screamed at him, or ignored him. There's really no telling what someone can do when they are angry.

The walk down the worn path to Alchemy's is silent; a complete contrast to the raging storm of outrage in my head. I don't know if the buzzing in my ears is due to the unnatural silence of the early morning, or the tornado of thoughts whirring around in my brain. Of all people that I thought would turn against me, I never thought Will would be one of them. How could he expect me to go to graduation when I never even thought graduation was a possibility?

Why would we waste money on renting a gown that would only be worn once? I don't see the point in it. I turn right at the old gas station and continue down a dirt road that hasn't seen a good construction site in decades. Each building is visibly aged with peeling paint and dark stains of mold around the splits in the siding. I can't stay here and live how I want to at the same time, and I shouldn't let anyone stand in my way. Even if it's the only person who loves me.

A rock on the ground catches my eye, momentarily distracting me from my external conflicts. I kick ahead of me as I walk down a path bordered by trees and bushes. They curve in different directions and they look nothing like the tree that Laura and I kissed under, but I still can't help but think about her lips on mine. Her trembling. I shake my head and nearly break my teeth with how hard I bite down. Has Laura ruined trees for me now, too?

Soon I reach Alchemy's and I am greeted by the manager, who doesn't pay much attention to anything except stock and paychecks. I don't know if he knows my name. The flow of customers ordering ice cream and drinks helps distract me from the fact that the burning building that is my life is crumbling around me as I live and breathe. I see familiar faces that bring a sour taste to my mouth, but I treat them just like anyone else. I would hate to get fired on top of everything else.

During my break, I have a moment of weakness. Laura's phone number appears in the recipient text box as I type the first few letters of her name. Hesitantly, I select it and start typing my message.

Are we still going to prom?

It takes a lot of energy for me to press send on that, but what more can I lose if she's already avoiding me and lying to me? I expect her to say no. I expect her to not respond and to have blocked my number by now. If she doesn't want me, she should have already cut me out of her life, right? But my phone buzzes a few seconds later.

Cupcake: yeah

I reread the text over and over again, trying to pull some hidden meaning out of those four letters. I'm trying to make some sense of what is going through Laura's head. And mine, for that matter.

I don't have much experience with relationships... or other people in general... but this is not fair. It's not fair at all.

If she didn't want to kiss me, she should have said so... but instead she kisses me back and then leaves abruptly. She starts avoiding me and lying to me over text... and after all that she still wants to go to prom. At this point, if I don't do what's best for me, then who will?

The timer goes off, signaling the end of my break. For the first time I actually feel relieved to be going back to work. It's a welcome distraction from everything. The rest of my shift goes smoothly, apart from some people being overly specific or overly aggressive about ice cream cup size, for some reason. My replacement comes and I throw my apron in the hamper, grabbing up my belongings and walking out through the back room, ready to walk back home.

But right outside the building, I see Will leaning against his truck in the parking lot. He has his hands in the pockets of his black leather jacket that's covering his plain white tee-shirt, and his outfit is topped off with plain blue jeans. What a cliche.

"What do you want, Ponyboy?" I grumble as I lean on the car next to him. I take off my cap, bend the brim in half in my hand, and cross my arms over my chest.

"I want to apologize." He says. I assume he is looking at me, but I don't turn my head to check. I keep staring at the fabric seating of the Toyota parked next to us. "I was caught up. If this were any other situation, I would insist on walking the stage, buying the fancy clothes, and the gown or whatever, but it's not. We haven't been dealt the best hand, and walking across a stage is not as important as preparing for your future. I was... caught up in the idea that I could make everything perfect.

"I wanted to make your experience of high school exactly how I wanted mine to be, but I know that's not real life. Real life is you having the opportunity to go to college and do something great with your future. 

"Real life is getting the chance to leave this town and be someone else for once. You don't have to walk across a stage for me to be proud of you, Kitty. And there's nothing you could ever do that would disappoint me."

I turn to face him, tears trailing down my cheeks. I launch myself toward him and wrap my arms around him tight. I grab the back of his leather jacket in fists.

"Don't scratch the leather," Will warns as he hugs me back. I chuckle wetly and nod, letting the jacket go and taking a step back. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands attempting to dim the overwhelming feeling of being loved that is bordering on painful.

"I didn't know what I was going to do if you said I had to walk."

Maybe Will could sense the insecurity in the way I cross my arms almost immediately after I pulled away. He pulls my arms apart and places his hands on the tops of my shoulders, as if trying to instill confidence in me.

"You make your own decisions now. Whatever you do, I support you. You're going to do fine on your own, kid."

"Thank you."

"Let me drive you home," He says and gets into the drivers seat. I walk around to the passengers side and get in, letting all the pressure off of my feel.

"You better walk the stage when you graduate from college," Will says off-handedly before turning the key in the ignition. The car hums to life, covering up my short chuckle, but you can still see the relief in my eyes and the smile on my face.