legacy

chasing pavements

"Give me back my toy Mason!"

I heard Adalyn yell as I sat on the couch, staring off into whatever abyss my mind takes me to, as the kids played in front of me. I wish I could be that Mom that could sit on the floor and play with her kids for hours on end. I just can't. Maybe that makes me a bad Mom? I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore.

"Give it back Mason!"

I heard Adalyn yell again as I looked over at the situation.

"Mason just give her the doll back."

I groaned at the 2 year old. He threw the doll on the floor and crossed his arms as I sighed. This is become too much. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Fighting kids, wrestling, nobody to support and help me...why did all of this have to come at once?

That's why I try and stay busy. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about this stuff. If I haven't made it clear enough; I don't have time to grieve. I don't have time to cry. I don't have time to be a widow. Life keeps moving and you have to move with it. There's no rest for the wicked.

I heard a knock at the front door and as soon as it opened, Mercedes appeared behind it.

"Aunt Mercy!"

Kinsley yelled as she got up from her spot on the floor and hugged Mercy. I don't even get that kind of response when I come home from the road.

"There's my girl!"

Mercades said as she hugged her. Kinsley ran back to her spot on the ground as Mercades came and sat down next to me on the couch.

"How was the road this weekend?"

She asked.

"Besides slapping the shit out of Colby? Fine."

"You slapped Colby?"

Mercades asked in shock.

"He deserved it. He kept talking about Fergal. I don't like that shit."

I said as I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen with Mercades behind me.

"I get it. I also think you don't need to be so aggressive when it comes to Fergal. Everyone just wants to help you and you can't go around slapping people when they say his name."

Mercades said as I rolled my eyes.

"If you couldn't tell, I really don't care anymore. I have nothing to lose."

I said as I pulled a bottle wine from the fridge.

"First off, wine? At 12 in the afternoon?"

Mercades asked as she raised an eyebrow.

"It's just one glass. It's been a long morning."

I said as I poured the contents of the bottle into a wine glass.

"Second, you have everything to lose. Look at those kids in there. You can't lose them, Pam. You can't lose yourself."

Mercades said as she looked at the kids.

"You don't think I know what I have to lose? Every time I look at Kinsley and Finn and Alex and Mason all I fucking see is him!"

I yelled as I smashed the wine bottle to the floor.

"I am sick of being reminded of what I fucking lost! I am sick of having to be the best Mom everyone wants me to be! I lost my husband. I lost the love of my life. But nobody checks on me. It's always the kids. Yes, they lost their father, but they are living. I am not living anymore Mercades!"

I yelled as tears fell down my face.

"Pam..."

"Just don't. I'm sorry. I let my weakness show. That was mistake. I am not a grieve-stricken widow. I am...strong?"

I asked as my voice cracked and I wiped my tears away.

"I'll be fine. I'm always fine."

I said as I plastered a smile on my face. I grabbed the glass of wine that sat on the counter and gulped all of the contents as quickly as I could. The warmth of the alcohol rushed through my body as I placed the glass back down.

"Pam, you don't have to be fine."

Mercedes said.

"But I am. I'm good. Maybe I just need to sign up for some more dates on the road. That would make me feel better. Yeah."

I said, practically talking to myself at this point.

"Pam, maybe you need to do the opposite. I think you need to stay home for a while."

"You don't know what's good for me!"

I yelled at her.

"I know what is good for me. Only I do. So I'm picking up more dates or something. I can't be in this house like this or I go insane. Clearly."

I said.

"Pam-"

"Can you actually just go? It's nap time for the kids and I clearly now have a mess to clean up."

I said as I looked at the shattered bottle on the floor. Mercades nodded as she walked past me and out of the door. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. If I'm being honest, I'm not living. I'm going through the motions of life. Keeping busy so i don't have time to think. But if you think about it, isn't that better then being in a psych ward? I'm never going back to one of those again.

I grabbed another bottle of wine from the fridge and took a big gulp of it. It helps. It puts a temporary stop to the pain that I feel when I'm not busy. It's not like I'm going to be irresponsible. I'm not going to drive or anything. So why can't I indulge a little bit?

I just wish I could be a better Mom to the kids. Fergal would have taken over if I felt so down like I do now. But he's not here. It's all me. And I hate that. I hate that because I'm not a good mom. I can't do this on my own but I have to. And I have no clue how I'm going to keep doing this.