Shackles & Roses

Eleven

I stand outside the Bennah's house, nerves in my gut, hands fiddling with the collar of my shirt and straightening it for the hundredth time that day. I still can't believe I'm doing this. But I'm doing it.

I haven't seen Bailey's parents since her funeral. We didn't speak to each other much even there. I barely spoke to anyone that day. I was too much of a mess to even properly do my speech, let alone talk to people afterwards. I couldn't get myself to eat at the wake because I felt sick, so I used that as an excuse and hid in the bathroom for the next two hours. And then I had my first panic attack. Addie found me rocking on the floor, and got me out the back door into a taxi.

The next day, I moved in with him, and I lived with him on and off for the next four months. If I wanted to, I could turn up at his right now with a packed bag, and he would ask no questions. I would be welcomed with open arms and allowed to stay for as long as needed.

Despite this, I still don't have it in me to forgive Addie- or any of the others. For what exactly, I'm not sure. I've been dodging calls from everyone the past three days. I need to figure out my brain before I can talk to my friends or family again. Right now I can't face them- whether this is fair or not, I can't get past the realisation that they could all be lying to me. I don't know how or why. I don't know where the idea came from. But it's taken root and I need to disprove it before I can move on.

Starting with this. Talking to Bailey's parents and figuring out some stuff about our relationship. I know it was real, and I know she was real. I've figured that much out by myself, over the past three days. And I've sorted out my head a little. But I'm still aching all over.

I haven't touched the ashes on my bedroom floor, but have just left them there, stepping over or around them when I'm in there. I haven't figured out how to collect them back up, and I can't just hoover them up and lose them. So they sit there while I find my answers. It's not like they can go anywhere. I've changed the locks so Mum can't get in and do anything. About time I did that, considering my age. I raise my hand, and I knock.

Somewhere inside, a dog barks. They must have gotten one since Bailey died. She always prefered cats.

And then the door swings open, and I'm face to face with Bailey's mother. She stands in shock for a moment, eyes wide and mouth frozen mid-sentence.

"Alex?"

In response I raise my hand in an awkward wave before bringing it round to rub the back of my neck, cheeks flushed- and not from the strong breeze that has succeeded in messing up my hair.

"It's me. I... I came to see you guys."

She nods, not speaking, then turns on her heel and rushes back inside, the door shutting behind her with a loud bang. Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that. I stand there for another five minutes, staring at the door knocker and considering if I should knock again. I'm just about to leave when the door flies open again, and it's Bailey's mother again.

"Alex! It's so good to see you again!" She rushes forward, throwing her arms around me and rocking from side to side, taking me with her in the awkward embrace. Awkward from my end, anyway. She's beaming like someone just gave her the world.

"How have you been? Why didn't you call? We've been wanting to see you! But we figured you needed some space. Sorry about just now! I was so shocked and excited, I went back inside to tell Brad and forgot to invite you in! Honestly, my brain is like a sieve sometimes..."

And on and on. She doesn't stop chatting as she leads me through to the dining room, where Bailey's father and two sisters are sat eating. One chair is empty, but a half-eaten plate of food sits in front of it. I must have interrupted their dinner. I never eat at ordinary times anymore, and sometimes I just don't eat, so I often forget when others might be eating. Not that it's usual for me to visit anyone.