Shackles & Roses

Thirteen

I have half an hour until Addie is due to arrive, and I spend it frantically cleaning. The kitchen, the living room, Illa, myself. Anything and everything. The only thing I don't clean is my room. I still haven't figured out how to re-gather Bailey's ashes, and I daren't let anyone know what happened. I simply shut the door.

I've just finished buttoning up my shirt when I hear a knock at the front door. I give myself one last check-over in the mirror, deciding to pull my hair back into a mini-bun at the last minute. I look presentable enough.

"Alex!" The grin on Addie's face when he first sees me is real. He's been really looking forward to this since we organised it in the car three days ago.

It must have been a good five months since I last organised for someone to visit. Before I slammed my doors and stopped seeing anyone. Anyone but my mother, who forced herself on me when no one else could. It's not been until the last two months that Tommy and Stella or Isaac started spontaneous visits, though even then they weren't often. Addie never took those up. He stayed away, waiting for the day I would ask him to come over myself. Looks like that day has finally come.

Our conversation in the car crosses my mind. Those kind of moments- these kind of moments- are when I know that I don't deserve him. He understood immediately how I had felt. He didn't blame me. When I tried to apologise, he shook his head, saying that there was nothing to apologise for. And then we went and got some food, and sat and talked in the car, pulled up at the curb.

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom before we settle down?"

I snap from my thoughts, absently nodding in response to Addie. "Of course. I'll go make us some coffee." He takes off up the stairs, and I wander into the kitchen, thinking about nothing in particular but still managing to be lost in thought. It's funny how our brains can do that.

I watch the steam rise from the kettle, fingers tapping out an irregular rhythm on the countertop. I start to whistle to keep myself occupied. From upstairs there's the sound of the toilet flushing, and then running water. The kettle's noise reaches a crescendo, drowning out my whistling until I eventually stop, unable to hear myself.

Addie shouts something down the stairs, but it's difficult for me to hear him over the kettle.

"What? I can't hear you, Addie."

"I asked if I could have that book back that I lent you. Don't worry though, I'll get it myself! I think I know where it is."

It takes me a moment to register what he's just said. The book he lent me. Which is in my room. Where the ashes are. Oh, my god.

I rush from the room, the kettle quieting behind me as it finishes boiling, clicking off. Taking the stairs two at a time, I shout ahead to him that I'll find it myself- but it's too late. I reach the landing to find my bedroom door open.

I nearly walk into Addie. He's stood barely inside the doorway, staring at the ashes scattered on the carpet in front of my bed. Not a sound comes from him. I don't speak, just watch him for a reaction, dreading it when it comes.

"Alex, what... what happened?"

I redirect my stare to a piece of empty carpet, obscuring the ashes and all of Addie but his legs from my view. I refuse to meet his eye right now. I've stressed and beaten myself up about this enough for a hundred people. He doesn't need to say anything to me.

"Did you... drop it?"

Yes, Addie, I dropped it. I bloody dropped it. Please stop reminding me. Is there such a thing as an ash vacuum? I really wish there was. Maybe I should get inventing; solve my own problem. Goddamnit I don't know what to do.