Floccinaucinihilipilification | karma a. [𑁍]

32

[ a/n: tea with satan was fun y'all, thanks for asking ]

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"w-what?" you whisper in disbelief, you tried to swallow up the lump on your throat but drastically failed.

karma runs his fingers through his red locks. "l-listen..." he began. "i'm just as hurt as you right now. i don't know what happened to me, [ surname ]! i knew, i knew that i loved you. i was convinced! i really was! and i loved the feeling of being in love with you." his bottom lips quivers as he proceeds. "but that's the thing, i-i thought i was in love with you-"

"why...? did you grow tired of me? was i too late...?" you ask, narrowing your eyes to hold back the tears that are threatening to flow out. "i'm sorry, akabane-i'll love you the way you want me to! i've like you for so long, too! i never got the chance to tell you because-"

"see?! can you hear what you're saying right now? i made you say those things because i was confuse, because of my misunderstanding! i thought everything was clear when i told you that i loved you, that i was in love with you...but it turns out-i never did. i just liked the idea of someone caring for me. i never liked the idea of loving you romantically!"

shit. you're about to cry. damn your emotions for breaking so easily.

"you did nothing wrong, [ surname ]...i'm the problem here-"

"you kissed me!" you stated. as second passes, you can feel your heart sink into the depth of destruction. listening to what karma has to say got you scratching your skin with your nails to the point where your beautiful skin begins to bleed. "what was that, huh?! y-you kissed me, in front of everyone! you promised me that you'll wait! i believed you...!"

"i wanted to know if a kiss-a kiss would bring my love for you back," karma grips tightly on the chest section of his shirt. "but...it didn't. i wanted it to come back, but it didn't! no matter how long i kiss you to the point where i collapse out of exhaustion, my feelings for you won't come back..."

"k..." you took a deep breath, your tears edging out. "...kiss me again, then! try again! m-maybe this time, it'll come back-"

both of you wanted the same thing. but one of you lost the right feelings to obtain it.

like you, karma also desperately wants his feelings for you to return. he hopes, that this kiss would make it true for the two of you. it pains him to see you in so much distress right now and he hopes that once he pulls away from the kiss, he can say that his feelings has finally returned.

but, oh...this isn't a fairytale.

taking a step forward, karma held back his tears filled with nothing but pity, guilt and regret. he reaches his arm out to you, his hand pressing against your cheek. he leans in, your bodies almost touching each other: that's how desperate you two are.

karma leans his forehead against yours, sucking in a breath. both of his hands cups your cheeks whilst he leans in to kiss your lips-this time, due to desperate emotion, you kissed back. exchanging kisses until one of you runs out of breath.

as karma presses his lips against yours, he can feel your warm tears making contact with his hand, along with your cheeks that are now growing hotter. he kisses you once more, softly biting your lower lip and still-he feels nothing.

he pulls away, letting out a frustrated cry as he heard you breaking out into a sobbing mess and he couldn't do anything about it. he felt helpless and guilty. no amount of kiss he gives and gets could make up for the feelings he felt for you before.

"i-i'm sorry..." his voice on its peaks as he held back any frustrated emotions. he hears your sobs and whimpers of desperation and it hurts him. "[ name ]...i'm sorry."

he's hurting you and it makes him want to hurt himself, too.

two hearts growing heavier, being filled up with pain, regret and guilt, resulting it to sink into the depth of anguish.

gakushuu still stood there at lounging area as thirty minutes passes. he waited, hoping that you had just fallen asleep and forgot to check your messages. but the longer he hopes, the more his assumption debunks itself.

"i was too late, huh...?" he mutters, glancing at the stairway that leads to the rooftop. "fuck..."

...

you skipped the beach the next day. you told your teacher way ahead that you weren't feeling well and that you won't be able to attend the beach. from your swollen eyes and unusual tone and sound of voice, your teacher was convince that you are indeed ill.

not that you actually were.

"what did you tell [ name ]?" gakushuu asks karma who's seated across the table. the location of the table they're currently sitting in is just near the shore, the sound of waves is strong and loud. gakushuu had to raise his voice for a bit.

"i don't...want to talk about it." karma rests his head on the table, taking a deep breath. he refuses to recall every single action he made last night.

but the kiss of distraught you left on his lips made it hard for him to forget,

the feeling of desperation,

anguish,

torment,

and heartache,

he remembers it all too well.

"your eyes are swollen. i took it that [ name ] didn't take it too well." gakushuu began, crossing his arms. he sighs heavily. "i told you...to wait. but you're impatient. see where you are now?"

"i get it, okay...? i'm in the wrong." karma said, growing agitated by gakushuu's lecturing. "can you shut up now?"

gakushuu heaves a breath, nodding. "whatever you prefer." he says. "but before that, i have a question. answer truthfully. it isn't big, isn't small either."

"go for it..."

"will you come back...if ever you feel those feelings for her once again?"

karma can feel his heart ache. come to think of it...what will he tell your auntie now? would she and your cousin wonder why he stopped visiting?

who will care for him again?

you're out of the list now. he had this feeling that he had lied to himself and used you just for his own mental satisfaction. he lacked attention and care as a kid and he unexpectedly found himself seeking for it through you.

and he got it all mixed up with love.

"i don't think so." he responded, after a minute or so.

to gakushuu, karma sounded like he was about to cry once again. it's as if something broke within him. and nothing could fix it anymore.

he wants to fall in love with you.

but it seems like that wouldn't be happening anymore.

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07/17/21