Curiosity

Chapter 1

It wasn't really a rush of pain when I saw Marnie on the bathroom floor, pills surrounding her. First thing I thought was why? I mean, she was happy, but why did she die. There was also a pang of jealousy that aroused in me, she knows all the answers to my questions, yet she will never be able to tell me. I don't think it hurt because I didn't actually see her in the pain. The moments when I see Marnie crying because something didn't go right, or that her parents got in another fight and she couldn't change it, those, those were the moments where I felt sympathy for her. That is when I hurt. Because I hurt to see her, well, hurt.

Marnie is dead; she can't feel anything, so I think. Does that mean it is okay for me not to feel anything? I guess I feel like I have a hole in my chest. My best friend is gone; I will never, ever be able to have another laugh, conversation or an ice cream, chick flick kind of night with her. That, that part hurts.

December 5th, 2011

I flew back for her funeral, apologizing to her family, repeating myself that "there were no signs of being suicidal". My mom over exaggerated the whole situation, asking many times if I wanted to come back home, the conversation went a little like,

"Taylor, you won't have anyone there now that Marnie is gone"

"So?" I ask, walking into the kitchen

"So, I think you should come home, stay home. Your father and I miss you dearly" she follows behind quickly, throwing her jacket on

"I'm okay in Manchester mom" once I grabbed a banana, the conversation ended and I headed out to the car.

Don't get me wrong, of course I am in mourning of my best friend, but these things happen for a reason, unfortunately, you can't change shit. Marnie wanted to die, for reasons I can't comprehend, but she is probably having way more fun in heaven than I am down on earth. I mean, if there even is a heaven.

During the ceremony, the priest talked about how "Marnie gave her life to Jesus Christ, she has given that up for the God Almighty. For that, she is grateful"

I scoffed at that and then my mom tapped me for being rude. How can someone bypass the loss of someone, like, he's just walking around this church claiming that she is now sitting in Jesus' arms as she gave her life for others.

That just sounds all kinds of fucked up to me. I don't think she gave herself to God, nor Jesus. They're both laughing their asses off because they put voices in Marnie's head and find it funny that she pulled through. Marnie didn't kill herself for another person to have theirs; she wasn't that complex of a thinker. She died because she thought that nothing will ever get better.

My parents never took my brother and me to church, we just did whatever we wanted to do, whether it was to believe or not. I don't quite understand it myself, it makes me think too much and there are way too many holes in the whole "bible" situation. My brother, Austin, enjoys church very much. He's kind of the different one of our family. But then again, I have an "obsession with death" so maybe our family is just a little weird.

December 13th, 2011

I'm 19 today, but do I want to celebrate it? No.

Every year Marnie would run into my room with three pancakes, one for each and then we rip the other one to share, by the time we both got out of my bed, it would be around noon so we would go to lunch, faking that we were twins so Marnie could get a free desert too. At the end of the night, we would buy two cartons of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, watching Monsters Inc. over and over until we fall asleep, mingled on the couch.

Today's going to be different and I know it. I already wasn't greeted by the warm and excited Marnie with the three pancakes and I won't see her today or ever in my life. I'm not even excited for my birthday, I never was, I was only excited because Marnie made it a big deal that you're one year older.