Drifting Along the Infinite Spring

Chapter 4 Pt 2 - Déjà Vu on the Dance Floor

Martha heard a car horn and looked out her bedroom window to confirm it was Tiana and her mother, waiting to pick her up for the dance. She surveyed her unfortunate, though historically accurate appearance in the mirror. Her dress was knee length and navy blue with a pair of white stripes running from shoulder to shoulder – sailor chic? The front of her hair, powered by half a bottle of hairspray, stood at attention before crashing to the left like a cascading wave upon her pimpled forehead – keeping with the nautical theme, I guess.

Downstairs, her father sat on the couch watching the news with the lights off, despite the vanishing daylight. Martha wondered if she should turn on a lamp for him. Is that something I would have done? Or does he want it dark? I don't remember him sitting in the dark. But it might upset him. And would it be off script for twelve-year-old-Martha to take that initiative? SHOULD I TURN ON THE LAMP?? A second honk from outside broke her from the depressingly common debate.

"Going to the dance, Dad."

"Mm-hmm," he answered without looking away from the screen.

"Probably home around 9:30."

"Okie-doke," he said, eyes forward.

Though the disconnect had become typical, it broke Martha's heart every time. She left the house and her father, and stepped into the waiting car.

Tiana sat in the back seat with an excited smile. In the front, her mother turned to Martha. "My, don't you look stunning!"

"Thank you, Mrs Luong."

Tiana's mother had acted as a stand-in for Martha's in both of her lives. In the first, it had meant a great deal to her. In the second, Martha appreciated the effort – the woman means well – but it mostly served to highlight yet another secret burden.

Once again, her father's official story was that her mother had died giving birth. So Martha had to live with the truth while acting the part. But it wasn't a question of simply playing dumb. She had to calibrate her emotions precisely. She couldn't completely shut down, because a girl growing up without a mother needed to emote some degree of sadness. But the anger, betrayal, and confusion born of her mother's suicide had no place. Yet here they are.

Mrs Luong only meant to offer Martha a compliment and perhaps emotional support. Nevertheless, Martha couldn't help but wonder what was behind the sympathy. Did she know about the suicide? Was she party to the lie, fundamental to Martha's sham identity?

Stop! This was not a debate that twelve-year-old-Martha should be having on her way to a school dance. She tried to get back on script. "Are you excited?" she asked Tiana rhetorically.

"Like totally!" She glanced at her mother, driving and humming along as Dionne Warwick played on the radio. "I heard in lunch," she whispered. "You Know Who is definitely going to be there."

"Awesome!" Martha whispered back with as much enthusiasm as she could fake. You Know Who was Kurt Lafleur. In Martha's first life, she'd had an enormous crush on him, before gathering the courage to ask him to their 8th grade dance. His rejection had been a formative moment for Martha. Taking risks is stupid. Optimism is stupid. I am not what boys want.

Of course James – the real You Know Who – changed all of that. Walking through this reenactment, however, was inspiring a PTSD level flashback. Kurt Lafleur was only a twelve year old boy, but his presence somehow made her palms sweat and heart race.