broken as i • a kylo ren story

vi (xxv)

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"today, we are going to be focusing on accepting."

you nodded your head as luke said these words. you knew that he was going to ask you to mediate, and you were correct.

"close your eyes and get into that state of my mind again. breathe, relax, become one with the force."

"called it" you whsipered to yourself as you did as you were told, sitting with your legs crossed and your mind cleared- for the most part. you were still thinking about kylo, and luke could sense it.

"what was that?"

"nothing." you replied.

"you need to clear your mind."

"it is clear" you lied. you didnt know why you said though, you were aware that luke could sense it.

"dont lie to me, im only trying to help."

"sorry luke." you muttered. you slowly felt yourself levitating, and soon enough you were at least 4 feet in the air. each day, you were getting higher and higher off of the ground. you felt extremely accomplished each time you get higher- even though that was every single one, you still took pride in it and your achievements.

"leason two, accepting is key. you need to drill into your mind that your past is not going to just magically disappear from your memory. you are a new person now, you healing isnt going to bring you back to the person you were before.  what happened to you has strengthened and shaped you into the person you have become...the one you are today. you have changed, and there isnt anything you can do about it. you must learn to accept it for you to restored completely.

you nodded your head slightly while listening to him. though you werent delighted about what occured to you, you were still going to look on the bright side about it. like luke said, it has made you stronger.

you had been through so much, yet you were still standing with your head held high for the most part. you were proud of what you have overcome, and accepting wasnt very difficult for you.

but the last lesson...well that wasnt the case. you were still trying to get it in your mind that you werent the problem here. even though each day it was getting better and better, it still was a pain to do. you knew you needed to do it though, so you fought through and focused on the subject as much as you could. you needed to get better- you were doing it for the people you love.

"luke?" you spoke up.

"yes."

"why did you go into exile? you never answered the question when i first asked you on the day i arrived here, so i would like to know now. it intrigues me that a person would willingly do that to themselves. to me, i feel as if i would be torture. i would hate being alone on this lonely planet."

"it...it isnt really lonely." he said back.

luke didnt feel like talking about the subject at all, now wasnt the time. now that he thought about it, it was never the time to talk about it. he hated even thinking about the subject, so answering such a question would not make sense at all.

"uh, yes. it is extremely lonely here."

"what do you mean? there are porgs, and thala sirens, an-"

"that doesnt count luke, and you know it. why are you avoiding the question so much?"

"lets just continue our lesson y/n." he sighed.

"why is the matter so touchy for you? not to intrude or an-"

"well you have already done a lot of that..." luke interrupted.

"uh." you stared at him, "anyways, if you dont want to answer that question, at least answer this one- why are you still on this island? if you know that kylo is aware of your location, why arent you running? i find it very strange that you dont fear death." you said to the old man. you werent going to allow him to get away with leaving you with no answers at all. you had shared so much with him, but he barely did the same to you. but when he did share stuff, it wasnt that much anyways.

while you were thinking about that, luke was thinking deeply about your question. why was he truly still on this island? was it because he was waiting for kylo so that he could talk to him? or kill him? or fight/ duel him? was it because he didnt have anything else to live for? was it because h-

"hello?" you interfered with his thoughts. he was just starting to get real deep into them, causing him to get a little angry at your accidental intrusion.

"sorry about that. but fine- i will answer your question." he rolled his eyes. "the reason why i am still on this island is because...i dont know. i just dont have the will to move from this island. it isnt that i have given up on life, if i did, i would have just jumped off a cliff on here. but, i havent done that now have i?" he stated as he raised a sarcastic eyebrow. you chuckled a little until you shot him a response.

"so you arent getting off the island because you are lazy? what in the stars kind of explanation is that?"

"like i said, i dont really know...okay? i have done great things for the galaxy, and also horrible ones." he regretted his last couple of words because he knew you would question them.

"like what horrible ones?" he was correct as usual about your actions.

"y/n, stop...stop getting distracted. focus on the lesson so that we can both go on our way." he took in a deep breath. he just wanted to go back to his hut and have a few moments of quietness to himself.

you however wanted to stay exactly where you were to continue asking more questions. you were confused once again on why luke got so worked up and weird whenever you mentioned certain things- kylo, exile....his past in general.

"fine, whatever." you agreed to his wishes, but you were still curious. you wanted to find out what the problem was, and you were focused on doing just that.

he continued on his lesson, telling you very important and meaningful pieces of information. you were shocked at how he was so knowledgeable about...almost everything. you wished you were as smart as he was, because life then would have been a little more easy- or so you thought.

you had learned so much from him in the little time that you were on island. he has taught you things that you knew you would never, ever forget about. you admired luke a lot. he almost reminded you of your father a bit, but you didnt need any of that negativity in your head. you needed to direct your entire attention to your future- which was mending your soul.

you returned to your hut and started to get ready for the night. you slipped on some comfortable clothing and brushed your hair. you applied some chapstick and lotion to your body qs well. you then went over to your bed and plopped right onto it.

you knew that luke was hiding something from you, you could feel it. but you also knew it wasnt going to be easy to get it out of him.

you needed a plan- a smart one. luke wasnt the type to be fooled at all, and you didnt have to think twice about that statement. you had to act wise about this one. this might just be one of the most difficult tasks that you put yourself up to.

you were determined to complete this- to get to the bottom of it all.

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authors note

school started today, and it wasnt tooo bad. one update per day from now on- sorry sorry sorryyyy. life is getting way busier now, so my time for writing is decreasing. i apologize and i hope that during the weekends i can get in at least 3!

-i.t