July Raine

Back to July

As much as I didn't want to make this situation about me, the next two days I laid and bed and cried. I wasn't crying about Rainey or Maddy. I was upset about how far off track my life was. One minute July and I were perfectly content with our lives. Even though she wanted her daddy we weren't unhappy. The only time I'd ever felt like this was when I realized that I was pregnant with someone I may never see again.

I hated wallowing in my own self pity, but to be fair. I had never done so. I had allowed my self to cry a few times over the years, but it was always brief and always well hidden.  I had always tried to be strong and not let the situations of life get to me. I had always worn my big girl britches, but for once I was tried of having that hard exterior shell.

"Mommy! Where are you?"  I heard July say when the front door of the cabin swung open.

Before I had a chance to wipe my eyes she came barreling into the bedroom and jumped up and down on the bed. I didn't turn to look at her and she bounced over me to look me in the face. She looked so happy until the moment she saw my face.

"Mommy, what's the matter?" She placed her had on my cheek.

That girl had a way of making me feel better. Her just being in my presence made me feel better. She wiped the tears from eyes.

"What's the matter, don't be sad mommy." She laid down next me and hugged me.

"I'm fine, baby.. it's just grown up stuff." She hugged me again.

"Mommy, I'm sorry that daddy is making you sad." 

I kissed her forehead. " Me too baby."

"Mommy."

"Yes baby."

She smiled at me. " I bet if we have a girls day that you would feel better."

I let out a little chuckle because I knew she was absolutely right. I needed to get out of this bed and do something. I need to spend time with my daughter. She was always the one person who I could count on making me happy. She was someone who I could always count on loving me. July was someone who no matter what would always be there for me unconditionally.

I wiped my eyes, sat up and smiled at July. " What did you have in mind?"

With those words she jumped on the bed and bounced up and down again. " First we need to go to the mall, then we can go get pedicures, then hair... hair is a must Mommy."  She continued to list off all the things that we needed to do. I wasn't sure that everything on her list was feasible in one days time, but I had a feeling that this was exactly what I needed to get me over the hump, get me out of rut I had been in.

The first thing July and I did when we got to town was make a trip to the hair salon. July only got a trim, but you would have thought she had gotten a new hair-do. On a whim I decided it was time for a change, not just any change but a drastic change. I went from having long dirty blond hair that came halfway out down my back, to a women with platinum blond hair with curls that lay on my shoulders.  When we walked out of that salon, she walked out like she was a super model.

After the hair appoint, we had a manicure and pedicure and then went out to eat for pizza. Between July and I we out a whole medium pizza. To be honest I ate most of it, but I sounded better to me to say we both ate it. You would have thought that after all that pizza we would be full, but we were both up for some ice cream.

We shared three scoops of double chocolate brownie delight. However this time, I'd have to say that July ate most of it. That little girl had a major weakness for ice cream. I did too, but who was I kidding I ate almost a whole pizza.

The rest of the afternoon was spent at the mall shopping at the mall, but not really buying much of anything. Its funny how you can shop and shop and only come home with one bag. I bought mostly for July. I got her a new swim suit and some more summer clothes because she had seemed to spout up while we'd been on vacation. 

By the time we got back to the cabins we had plenty of daylight yet. We still had about three hours of daylight and we were going to take advantage of it. We both headed to the water, July put on her life jacket and headed for the tire swing. She took off running full speed, jumped onto tire, swung out over the water and jumped. I was surprised at first, but I soon realized she was a pro at this. She did this over and over before I was ever even able to get to the water.

When I reached the waters edge July was just crawling out of the water. She ran up to me and grabbed my hand. She was very giddy. "It's your turn mommy." 

She continued to tug on my hand until I gave in. 

"If I do it, you have to do it with me."

This brought a huge grin on her face. "Okay, mommy let's do it."

July got onto the tire swing. "Okay mommy, you run and jump onto the tire swing, and when it gets far enough over the water, we will both let go."

I stood and just looked at her. My daughter was really something. She was standing on the tire swing looking back at me. "Come on mommy, don't be scared you can do it. I'll be right here with you."

After her saying that I knew I was ready to make the jump. "Hold on tight, here I come."

I took running. After I reached the swing, I soared through the air. I felt as though everything was going in slow motion. The wind blew through our hair and with both laughed. When we reached a certain point, July yelled 'jump!' We I hit the water, the water felt amazing. It was as if all the tension inside my body was released.

After that we jumped off the swing over and over. It was the best you could have even imagined. We enjoyed our time together and it felt as though neither of us had a care in the world. It felt nice to just take some time for me and July. July had been spending so much time with her dad. I'd had five years with July, Rainey had only had this summer. I felt as though I wasn't being fair to Rainey if I didn't let her spend most of her time with him. She would spend most days with Rainey, and stay with me almost every night. Sometimes she would stay with Rainey, but I liked to know where she was when she laid her head down to sleep.

July and I sat on the beach wrapped in a single towel. July saw in my lap and snuggled into me. We watched at the sun dipped below the horizon. Before I knew it, July was fast asleep. I sat and listened to the water and watched the sky for several more minutes.

It was a night that Rainey was going to keep July over night. I picked up my daughter, who was getting way to big for me to carry, and headed towards the cabin. Rainey's step dad was sitting on the porch as I walked up.  He quickly rose to his feet.

"Let me take her."  I was relieved when he offered because she was getting so heavy.

I handed him July. " Is Rainey here?"

"No, I'm sure he'll be back soon if you want to wait."

"Oh, no, it's been a long day and I'd like to just head to the cabin."

He smiled at me and I kissed July on the forehead. "Love you sweet girl."

She stirred and I heard her mumble "Love you." 

Then within a split second she was out again.

I waved goodbye and headed home.

It has been a good day. It really was what I needed. I thought it had been a good end to a very good day. Little did I know this would not be the end of my day.

When I reached the cabin I was surprised to see him sitting next to the door with a bouquet of orange lilies and roses. He stood up and held the flowers out towards me. "I'm really sorry Mel"

I was speechless and all I could do was stare. He spoke again. " I love you Mel."

I still couldn't speak, but a single tear dropped from my eye.

All I could think was, 'Are you joking right now.'

***Who do you think it is? ****