A Touch Of Joy

Ch. 1 Yellow

"Has your color changed from last week?"

"Does it look like it's changed from last week?"

"You know I have to ask every session, Bakugou, so humor me."

Katsuki breathes deep, the strong scent of peppermint from the air purifier fills his lungs and clears his head. He exhales through a long sigh. "Yellow."

"Thank you," Dr. Amalee hums as her pen scratches against the notepad in her lap.

Across from him, the straw woven chair she's perched upon creaks as she leans forward to put her notepad and pen on the coffee table between them. It creaks again when she sits up. Her short lavender hair falls in her face and she tucks it behind her ear with a gentle smile.

"Now that that's over with," she says, "How are you?"

He grunts.

"Did you go for a walk like we talked about?"

"If you count havin' to walk all the way to the parking lot because the stupid delivery guy got lost, then yeah. I went for a walk."

"Still not cooking for yourself? Whatever happened to the cheff's position at the sushi restaurant? I thought the interview was Monday."

"It was, but-" he looks away. Her bright hazel eyes are making him feel guilty - as if he needs another thing to feel guilty about. "-just thought it was stupid."

"So, just to get this straight, you didn't walk, and you didn't go for the cheff's position that would've paid you double what the other cooks were making just to have you. You didn't do any of the goals you set for yourself."

"Oh boohoo. It's not like I needed the money. It was just going to be a side gig, anyway."

He can't bring himself to tell her that he lost the energy and the drive to go. He can't reveal that when he applied for the job he was actually excited to be someone again because admitting it makes it all the more real. That the owner of the sushi joint is no doubt disappointed in him because he couldn't even bring himself to call and cancel. Or at least reschedule.

"But you haven't been doing interviews as often as you used to, so what've you been doing all week?"

Guilt was overshadowed by the sharp pinprick of annoyance at the base of his spine. Another deep breath of peppermint dulled it. Younger Katsuki would've let the annoyance fester and metastasis until he felt like he was going to explode. And then quite literally explode. Younger Katsuki would've told Dr. Amalee to mind her own damn business; but he was twenty-two now and after four years of counseling with the petite woman before him, they are long past that.

"Binge watched that one Netflix show while I worked out. The one I was tellin' you about."

"Dexter?"

"I'm on season three now." How proud he says it made him feel pathetic. What's he come to if this is what he is so proud of? He used to flaunt his pride as if it was a tattoo on his forehead, but his pride from back then is what landed him here.

"Do you think you like it so much because it's a way to help you understand what he must've gone through?"

Katsuki knew it was coming. It comes up every session, but the way the peppermint suddenly becomes suffocating is always a surprise. The air no longer leaves a fresh minty aftertaste on his tongue. Now it's like he's been chewing the same piece of gum all day and it tastes like his own disgusting saliva.

"Dexter was always a fucking psychopath, Midoriya" -the name feels like cotton in his mouth and he has to swallow- "was made that way."

He swipes his water glass off the coffee table and restrains himself from chugging it. When he sets it back on the table half empty, the peppermint scented air is back to calming. The creaking of his own straw woven chair fills the silence and he can feel Dr. Amalee's patient gaze waiting for him to settle.

With his socked feet on the coffee table and his head back against the pillows, she starts. "Let's talk about your book. Your last interview was a few weeks ago. Have you made another visitor's appointment yet?"

Katsuki sighs. "Haven't heard nothin' from nobody. Guess there was a dumbass guard with a stomach bug or somethin' and he ended up passing it to pretty much everyone in the joint."

"Well that sucks. Can't get any writing done until they get that all cleared up." Her genuine gloom is refreshing.

"Yeah, but no. That's not the only thing that's got me stuck." He pauses to rake his hand through his disheveled hair. "I've been struggling through a childhood scene."

Dr. Amalee hums knowingly with a nod. "Yes. Those are the hardest. But it's like what I said before; those scenes are the hardest because you're making them that way. If you think about it as a painful memory, you'll continue to struggle because it hurts to remember; but, if you start thinking about it like it's an idea you've had for a while, it'll come to you easier."

Gentle wind chimes sound from Dr. Amalee's phone on the coffee table. She leans over her folded legs to turn it off. Both of their chair's creak as they stand. Katsuki slips on his boots - ignoring the untied laces - zips his winter coat, shrugs on his backpack, and makes his way towards the office door.

He's pushing through when Dr. Amalee speaks up, "Try to go on a walk that's not just to meet a lost delivery boy. I want to hear all about it during our next session."

"Yeah, yeah. See ya," he waves her off and he almost misses her echoing goodbye as the door shuts behind him.

Before he realizes it, he's down the two flights of stairs, exiting through the office building's automatic doors and walking through the parking lot. His backpack's slung over his shoulder as he digs for his keys. Except, when he looks up, his motorcycle isn't there. In his usual spot is an old car he doesn't recognize the model of with a golden retriever staring at him through the rear window. When his eyes connect with the dog's, it's maw opens, panting through a wide smile, which starts fogging the window.

Katsuki turns around, muttering a string of curses and starts walking the sidewalk. He can't believe he forgot he had to walk to today's appointment because some asshole decided to block his bike in with their U-HALL. There was no one around to yell at and demand they move, at least for a moment so he could leave, but there wasn't time to hunt them down. Walking was better than being late and having to listen to Dr. Amalee's lecture about wasting her time again.

As he passes the office doors and the thought of marching back in and telling her that he did go for a walk crosses his mind. The thought of seeing her smile at his small accomplishment is almost enough to make him do it. Except, he knows she would be anything but happy with him if he barged in on her next appointment.

He tisks as he puts in his earphones, unable to believe he forgot to tell her the reason why today's color is yellow.

Just thinking about it and feeling how his skin crawls not from the chilly breeze but pure frustration is starting to turn his day orange.

Orange isn't on their mood chart - green, yellow and red are the only ones but he likes to mix the colors. Most days he's not a Good Green or Mellow Yellow, but a combination. A lime green. Dr. Amalee likes calling it Laid-Back Lime. Katsuki's only been Laid-Back Lime when he gets a good amount of writing done.

Fuck, that's right. He still has that chapter to finish.

The drum solo blaring through his eardrums didn't cancel out his heavy sigh. It's not as if he's run out of ideas or the memory is too foggy to remember how that day unfolded, how could he forget? He's been reliving everyday of his childhood through dreams that leaves him drenched in sweat and feeling like he's going to puke. It isn't as if they turned into nightmares with demons that weren't supposed to be there, it's just...

Katsuki's hand combs through his messy hair and grips the roots. He needs a distraction to keep him from going home, and he knows just the place.