Heartless || Seongjoong [ Seonghwa × Hongjoong ]

Chapter 1 - My feelings (Hongjoong)

Hongjoong P.O.V

I have one problem. I'm not good at expressing my feelings on everything. I don't know how to express my love. I don't know how to say the word "I love you" to anyone. No one.

I want to change it but I can't. I'm heartless like this because my parents thought we were born to be tough.

We also don't usually cry, no, we never cry. We only cry when we feel hurt or unfortunate. Like when the most important human in the world, was my grandfather. He died due to fatal injuries.

[flashback]

I'm going to go to the canteen. Who doesn't want to go there when we are having recess? I brought my water bottle in my hand.

Then someone called me from afar. "KIM HONGJOONG!" I looked behind and my teacher was calling me from my class.

I ran back to my class. "Yes, teacher." then I saw my father beside my teacher. "Pack your stuff, your father wants to take you home." my teacher said. "Yes teacher," I said while packing my stuff.

After a while...

I saw my grandfather lying unconscious on the floor with white fabric on him.

Then I know what I saw. He's dead. I don't know what to do. I cried hard. That was the first time I cried in my teenage years.

[end flashback]

Even our parents don't say things like "I love you" to us or anyone. You know that 'children always follow their parent's paths' right?

Even though I'm that heartless, I still have feelings inside me. I have felt that nobody knows about it. Even my family. Even my best friends. No one asks about my feelings.

I still can laugh when it's funny.
I still can smile when something makes me happy.
But my anger is the first emotion that everyone can see in me. They said it is natural for heartless people like me.

Even hugs. I don't like hugs on the outside. But on the inside, I know that I like it. I don't know how to hug people. I don't know how to make people hug me. Sometimes when I'm sad I want people to hug me. But it has never happened to me.

Even holding hands. My parents don't always hold my hands. I don't know how to do this. But sometimes I feel like I want to hold someone's hands. I never knew what is the feeling when someone holds hands.

I also think that no one cares and loves me. I think I'm lonely. I knew that I had family and friends who supported me from day one. But I have never felt like people love me.

Lastly, I have never succeeded in love. Once I was in love and nothing happened. People say that our hearts will be beating fast. Our cheeks will be blushing all the time and we feel butterflies in our stomachs when we are with someone we love. We will always smile when we think about the one we love. None of these happened to me.

I have a lot of things that I haven't tried in my life. A lot of feelings I haven't expressed. I want to change it but why? I can't even know why I want to change it.

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Chapter 1
My feelings (Hongjoong)