42. That was her number. Now with the resistance, 42 must cover her past life which proves difficult when she cannot tell her true name. And that Dameron guy . . . He needs to stop asking questions.
Follows The Rise of Skywalker
A/n: TW: death and blood. Dear Reader, this is a sad chapter; if you want a happy ending, don't read on—simply imagine a better future . . .
- H. V. Hart
As I landed my X-Wing, I could see the Resistance Base was alive with grateful smiles and laughter. The sounds of excitement was muffled behind the walls of my ship.
Kai shifted limply in my lap with the force of the landing. She looked like she wasn't doing too hot.
Finn ran up to the side of my X-Wing, a grin across his lips. His smile slid away quickly as he saw Kai.
"Help me get her out," I said, throwing open the top hatch.
Finn grabbed Kai by under her arms and pulled. I stood now and helped, unbuckling myself.
Kai's hands were cold . . . too cold.
We lowered her onto the concrete of the landing pad.
As Finn looked at me, his jaw went slack in shock.
"What?" I asked, looking down at my orange jumpsuit. The fabric was now more of a crimson. My hands were caked with red.
"Medic!" Finn yelled. "Are you okay? Poe?"
"It's not mine," I could barely say.
As panic set in, I could only curse and wipe the blood from my hands. "Shit, shit, shit!"
I knelt down next to Kai. I hadn't even realized she'd been bleeding.
"Where's Rey?" I asked quickly. "She can do something, right? Right!"
"I don't know!" Finn shot back.
The crowd's cheers in the immediate vicinity were dying down as they realized what was happening around them.
A woman with a medical box ran over.
I stood up quickly, watching.
The once-revelers became hushed to allow the medic to focus. Still in other parts of the base, the celebration was continuing.
The medic removed the top layer of Kai's clothes and put a stethoscope to her chest. She moved it to a different location on her chest, then to another, searching. The medic bounced around different points now, more desperate to find a pulse.
Finally, she just stopped. She put her stethoscope aside and closed the med kit. The medic turned over her shoulder to look at me and simply shook her head.
"No . . ." I breathed. "No, she was fine just a few minutes ago. How—she can't be, there's no way!" I protested.
"Poe—" Finn stopped me.
"Excessive blood loss," the medic answered simply.
She had been bleeding from a large wound on her back. I hadn't noticed. It was my fault. I should have looked her over more closely before leaving Exegol.
I dropped to my knees at her side.
"But it's gonna be just like the last time, right?" I began, touching Kai's unmoving hand. "Rey'll get here and she'll fix it, just like last time. Just like last time . . ."
I looked up to see Rey appear in the crowd, her hand over her mouth.
"You can fix it, right?" I said, my face lighting up with hope.
Rey didn't answer.
"Right?" I pressed. "Please, Rey. Say you can."
"I-I can't," Rey said at last. "Not from the dead . . . no . . . Poe—" Tears were forming in her eyes and mine.
My breath caught in my throat as I squeezed Kai's hand, desperately hoping for her to squeeze back.
"If I could save her, I would," Rey said softly, her voice hoarse as she tried to keep from crying. "You know that."
I let out a soft sob, then another, tears rolling down my cheeks and onto Kai's clothes, darkening spots upon the fabric.
"Please . . ." I breathed. "I didn't . . . I never got to say goodbye."
People brought over a stretcher and placed it next to Kai, waiting for me to let go of her hand.
"We have to move her," the medic said, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Just, let me say goodbye . . . please, just this," my voice trailed off. I leaned down and took Kai's face in my hands, kissing her forehead softly as if not to wake her.
"I love you," I whispered so only she could hear.
The medics moved her onto the stretcher and took her away.
"We'll have a funeral," Finn said to me, pulling me to my feet.
I could hear the celebrations stop as the medics moved through the crowd.
I shoved my face into Finn's shoulder to keep the world from seeing me cry. He wrapped his arms around me, then Rey did the same.
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The First Order had been dismantled . . . and so had my hopes of a future with Kai in a peaceful world.
She was gone, for real this time.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.
Sometimes Rey talks about Force Ghosts and how Kai might visit me as one someday. But I don't want her to. I think it would make it worse, seeing her like that.
This journal I've been keeping has helped deal with her loss some.
Often, I like to imagine her sitting on the edge of the bed, watching me write. I think if she were a ghost she'd do that.
I miss her a lot.
Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died on a mission. Would I see her then? I'd like to think so, but I know I can't just crash my ship. I have to be a general with Finn. I have to be a leader no matter how hard it gets sometimes. I have to protect my fleet so more people don't end up like Kai.
She died for a good cause, I keep telling myself. Other times I think how it's my fault I pulled her into the mess. But then I wouldn't have spent time with her at all, never would have gotten a chance to love her.
I do not like to end such entries so somberly, but I must, because that is the nature of stories: they end. And those friends we have made, and those friends we have loved, we do right by their memory by closing the book and letting them live forever between the covers.
And I know for certain, somewhere in time Kai is waiting for me. And she is smiling.
