Coalesce

TWELVE

Warning for non-graphic descriptions of a past suicide attempt.

The only day that Niall allows himself to be outwardly sad is on the anniversary of his mother's death. It's the day that marks four years, and he'd thought it might hurt a little less this time around, except it doesn't. If anything, it hurts more, because he can't help but wish that she were here and that makes him feel really ungrateful for the family that he has without her.

Part of him is glad that it does hurt still though; that means that he hasn't completely forgotten her at least. He doesn't ever want to fully move on because he couldn't handle the guilt of that.

He stays in bed and faces the glass wall that looks out over the fields and the city in the distance behind the rows of trees, stares outside until his eyes unfocus and he can't see much anyway. He stays that way and listens as the rest of the house wakes up, hears Harry's quick patter of bare feet run by, begging for pancakes for breakfast, hears Liam grumble on his way to the bathroom. He listens without really listening for a long time, only zoning in when he hears his name mentioned.

"Where are Daddy and Ni?" Harry asks, and it still surprises Niall to hear the nine year old call his Dad by that title; he's glad though. He sees how happy it makes the man whenever Harry says it.

There's a slight pause then, and it's Zayn who speaks to answer, keeping his voice low. "It's...it's a sad sorta day for them today, so they're probably gonna stay here while I take you guys to school and stuff."

"Oh," Harry breathes. "What's sad about today?"

"Well," Zayn starts, hesitating and Niall knows it's because he's trying to find the right words. "Niall's Mummy passed away this day four years ago, and sometimes, on the anniversary of sad things, people feel just as sad as they did all that time back."

"Oh," Harry repeats, sounding a little sad himself. "I'm gonna make 'em a card at school today. That'll cheer them up, won't it?" He asks, hopefully.

Zayn chuckles at that. "I'm sure it'd help, Curly. It sounds like a great idea...now eat your breakfast before we're late."

Niall zones out again then, the conversation fading into a low hum, eyes fluttering closed somewhere along the line. He blinks them open again when he feels the bed dip behind him, knowing that it's his Dad before he even rolls over to face him.

The man smiles softly at him, one arm folded under his head, the other coming to rest on Niall's side, hand stroking up and down his arm gently over the long sleeve of his pyjama shirt. His Dad watches him with gentle eyes before moving his hand to brush his hair off of his forehead with a careful finger.

"Hey," he whispers.

Niall sniffs, shifting closer to the man until his head is against his collarbone. "Hey," he says back, closing his eyes again, feeling heavy and numb and so much all at once.

"How're you feeling?" The man asks softly, keeping that arm wrapped around him protectively.

He shrugs, unable to get the right words out. He nods instead. "I'm okay."

His Dad sighs, kissing his hair. "It's okay not to be."

Niall just shakes his head. "I know. I'm okay," he repeats, an easy lie, but not exactly entirely false either, because he doesn't know what he is. Therefore, he guesses he could be anything. He blinks his eyes open and looks up at the man. "Are you okay?" He asks instead.

Dad hesitates, then gives a small nod. "I'm okay," he says, and it sounds honest but Niall knows that sometimes the way words sound aren't what they really are. He smiles down at him sadly. "She would've loved this place, wouldn't she? The view especially."