Ever Since New York

I Don't Know Who She Is

"Are you sure you don't want a muffin, babes? I bet it will make you feel better," Heather said, trying to get me out of her bed. It had been three days since I left Bradley. Three days of laying in her bed, trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Three days of Bradley's incessant calling. Heather told me to block him, get rid of all connection with him. The idea was tempting but I couldn't. If I blocked him, it would only get worse. I was grateful he never came with me to Heather's. I had begged him multiple times to bring one of his friends from work, but he never agreed and said Heather was not a good match for any of his friends. I was thankful for that now. He didn't know where I was. He didn't even have Heather's number.

"I don't know. What if he's there?" I asked.

That was my biggest concern right now. I was scared to see him. I was scared he was going to drag me back into the relationship and have this power over me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

Heather furrowed her brows at me, holding my hand as she tried to pull me out of bed. "Doesn't he hate that place?"

"He likes the muffins. I think."

"He hates Hank," she nodded as she remembered. "Come on, I think it will be good for you."

"We can order them and then you pick them up."

Heather sighed, shaking her head. "Nope. This is not you at all. Don't let him do this to you."

I cocked my head to the side as I sat up a little. "Do what?"

"Take away who you are. Who you want to be."

I swallowed thickly, knowing she's right. I had a right to grieve. It was a two year long relationship. But since he said all those things about my writing, I hadn't opened a word document or even thought about writing in a good light.

"You need to get wasted."

I shook my head. "I need to what?"

Heather stood with her hands on her hips in front of the bed, a determined look on her face. "I'm gonna go to work. I expect you to meet me there at ten tonight when my shift ends. You're going to dress up and remember who are you. You're hot, babes. We're gonna remind you of that."

"No, I don't want-."

"Don't wanna hear it," Heather said as she walked out of the room. She yelled as she walked out of the door, "Ten o'clock. I'm expecting you so you better be there."

I heard the door slam shut behind her and sighed. I didn't want to go out tonight but I knew Heather had my best intentions at heart. She could be a little pushy but she wanted me to feel better, to remember who I was.

The problem is, I don't know who I am.

When I left North Carolina, I was completely lost. I was the glue of my family. My mother depended on me to help keep all the pieces together. I was her rock. Countless hours I would listen to her go on and on about my father, my brother and sister, her work. I took it all in. She tried her best to be there for me too but her worries consumed her.

I turned to my childhood best friend for my troubles. But, she was going through similar things as me and I did not want to be a burden to her. Or anyone.

I listened. I was good at that. My sister had boy trouble after boy trouble and I listened. I held her as her heart broke over and over again. I was there for her when everyone turned against her.

I taught my younger brother how to read, how to multiply. He would ramble about his day and all of his friends. It was cute.

That's who I was.