A Trip to Neverland

Photograph

I take a glance on my wristwatch, it says: 11:39pm. It's almost Christmas. And I am here sitting on a bench. This is my favorite part of the holiday – being with her on this special day. The tree rustles as the wind blows. The place is cold, but warm because of her pale hands that touch mine.

Lian alone is enough for me. She's the one I want to be my wife, the one I want to become the mother of my children.

I let my eyes wander on her serene face. She has a face I can't resist. She's almost perfect if it isn't for the little scar under her left eye.

"Hey, honey!" I whisper. "What can you say about this one?" I grab my smartphone from my right pocket, and give it to her.

It is just a picture of us, smiling underneath the Christmas tree. She's so happy on that picture, and I am too. What more can I ask for?

She lets out a soft laugh. "You're cute here."

"Really? I thought I looked ridiculous."

"No, we looked happy in here," she says and scrolls the image.

I paint a sly smile on my face. I wish she's always happy. I wish she's happy with me. I feel my eyes are starting to get heavy. I then quickly wipe them with my left hand so that she will not notice it.

I sigh and let my mind bring back one of the happiest moments of our lives.

--

I took her to a private horse ranch in the hills north of the city. The one time my dad had taken me riding at a stable had been nothing like this. This was special... or more. Special because she was with me. She had been my long time crush since eighth grade, and now she was going out with me. We trotted on a path through a pine forest and crossed bubbling streams. I could see she was amazed and happy. It was just the two of us, no other riders – no other people at all. I was a trained rider, but I paced my horse to match hers. Her face was innocent and still. I could also see in her face that didn't want to go beyond trot. That she didn't dare risk falling and hurting herself. She was just enjoying.

After a couple of hours, I stopped my horse and dismounted. "Ready for lunch?"

She wandered her eyes. "Sure. But no flash food drive-thrus here."

"Follow me." I smiled.

I took the reins and walked my horse around a bend. Under the shade of a large oak tree was a table covered with food, which I ordered before we got here. I looked at her. I saw her expression and laughed.

"I just asked for some chips." I shrugged. The table was filled with several kinds of sandwiches, grapes, and brownies.

She smiled. I helped her dismount and we tied our reins to a tree. There were buckets of water and some hay for the horses.

I pulled out my phone. "Come here," I said and formed a quirky smile on my lips.

She hesitated a second, then stepped toward me.

I turned her around so her back was to me. Then I wrapped my arm around my neck and pulled her close. Her pale skin was warm from the sun. I was a bit shocked when she held on to my arm with both hands. I held out the phone with my other hand, aiming the camera at us.

"So we'll remember," I said.

Click

I slipped my phone back in my pocket without even looking at it. I then held her face with my hand. It was warm and smooth.

"You are really special," I said. And then it happened. I leaned in and kissed her lips.

Tentative... gentle...

--

My thoughts are interrupted because I hear her let out a rough sigh. I am afraid. Beyond afraid.

"Are you okay, honey?" I ask while my hand slowly caress her back.

"Y-yeah." She raises her hand to stop me from worrying. Her other hand gently rubs her chest.

She leans her back on the bench to rest. "I'm tired, James. Can I take a nap for 3 minutes?" she ask.

I glance at my watch. It's already six minutes before Christmas.

I let her head lean on my shoulder. I can feel her soft, serene face on my shoulder. I bring back the question I made earlier. What more can I ask for?

Many. I wish she won't leave me. I wish God will give us another chance. I wish she won't die. And I wish...

I can't take everything anymore. My eyes are too heavy and I can't hold it back any longer. I started crying. I make it more silent.

If only her body won't betray her... if only her heart can take everything... if only she lives.

The first sound of a firework display brings me into complete sadness. I thought I can only hear it during happy moment. And now it is different...

--

I am sitting on our favorite place... alone. Trying to remember everything we have made.

Lian, it's been almost a year since you said you're just going to take a nap. Why aren't you waking up? Don't you miss me? I miss you very much...

And then I cried... again.