Fireflies↳Bucky Barnes

8- Hiding the pain

      The cemetery. I have the unfortunate ability to say I come here quite often. I sometimes find talking to my parent's graves helpful. I like to believe that they are out there somewhere listening to me, guiding me through life. I miss them more than words can describe. They were deprived of an incredible life. Of an incredible son.

      Me, I'm not so sure. I try so hard to do good by them by watching out for Peter, but I can't help but feel like I've failed them. Especially now. The whole drive here I searched for something I did wrong. Was I too mean? Could I have been there more? Am I too pushy? I've always wanted Peter to achieve greatness, but is that what he wanted? Had I been forcing a false dream onto him?

      "Mom... Dad...." I greet with a hollow voice. I stare at their graves for a moment, then tears fill my eyes. I fall to my knees, tears streaming down my face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I let out a choked sob, and hid my face in my hands. "I tried. I tried so hard to be there for him, but-" I shake my head and I look at the names in their gravestones. "I pushed him away. I failed you, I'm so sorry." I grab the grass in front of me, my head bowed.

      "I don't know where I went wrong. I wish you guys were here..." I look up again. "I wish..." I let out a sob, then I shake my head. "I don't know what to do." I mumble into my hand. I sniff and wipe my nose, the bitter fall cold making me become numb. "This isn't Peter. He doesn't... He loves me. Right?" I close my eyes and my forehead touches the ground in front of me. "This isn't fair."

      I pound the ground. "You shouldn't have died. Peter doesn't have parents because... Because of me." My body shutters as the thoughts of self hated come crawling back into my mind. The skin under my gloves begins to become hot, a light emitting from the leather. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. It's all because of me." Minutes go by as I cry.

      I don't even know why I'm still out here. Maybe... Maybe I'm hoping this is a dream. That this is all a nasty, horrible dream. A nightmare that I can't wake up from. That Peter doesn't hate me, and that my parents are still alive. That it is all a trick, and I'm going to realize that none of it is real.

      But that won't happen. This is real. This is the nightmare I call life, and every minute that goes by, it just gets worse and worse, until I lose myself completely.

      But maybe that won't be such a bad thing. Peter... he won't have to deal with me anymore. And May and Ben won't have to worry about how I'm doing. I would just be gone, and things would be better.

      "I don't..." I sniff. "I don't want to die." I tell myself. The light in my hands is spreading up my arms. "I don't want to die. I need to live. I-" I put my hand on the ground and the grass around it begins to burn. "I need to live for him. He- He needs me, and I- I need him." I pull my head up high and clench my teeth. "I am not leaving him. Never." I look at my parent's graves, guilt shining in my eyes. "I will be strong. For him." I pull myself to my feet and walk away, completely unaware that the ground where I had sat was now completely burnt.

۵

      I took the next 2 days off of work at the internship, or rather, as Tony's lab assistant. He had asked if everything was okay and I assured him that it was just a cold. But no, I didn't want anyone to see me like this. A puffy eyed crying mess. That isn't who I am. I am Peyton Parker and nothing bothers me.

      In the morning, I had hardly been able to pull myself out of bed. I wasn't hungry, and I still am not. I know I should eat, but I also know that if I do, I won't be able to keep it down. May and Ben had called me several times last night, and all through today, but I couldn't speak to them. Not when I'm like this. I listened to all their messages though. Peter had locked himself in his room, and they kept trying to get him to come out.

      Eventually they gave up, knowing he would not listen and that I would not answer. It's a downside of being a Parker. We are stubborn beyond belief and it can act as our own destruction. My parents were too stubborn to give up on me, and look at what that got them. Curse the Parker luck...

      From the arm of my couch my phone begins to ring. I ignore it, but when it continues to ring, I look at it to find Midtown High flashing across the screen. I grab it and answer. "Hello?" I rub a tissue across my nose. "Is this Peyton Parker?" I nod, then realize this is a phone call. "Yes." I crease my brows. Why would they be calling- "Perfect. We tried to contact your aunt and uncle, but neither of them answered." I sniffle and wipe at my nose.

      Maybe I had caught a cold. "Yeah, they should be at work right now." The person on the other line hums. "Alright, well, we've got your brother here in the principal's office." I sit up on the couch. "Why? What happened?" I pull my blanket off my legs, knowing full well I'll have to head over there. "He got into a fight with a student." I pause where I stand. "Peter? Fighting? That doesn't sound like him." Then again, he hasn't been acting like himself lately.

      "Hm, yes, but we have video evidence of the fight. We'd like it if you came down to the school." I use my shoulder and cheek to hold my phone to my ear as I pull on my shoes. "Of course. I'll be there as soon as I can." I hang up, then grab my jacket and keys as I exit my apartment. "Peter, what have you gotten yourself into now?"

- author's notes -

okay, now I've got to update 'Spirits in my mind'. 

just to put this out there, there is no particular order you should be reading all these books. It should be more like reading one giant story, just alternating every other chapter. (Kind of like the Heroes of Olympus books)