ᴀʟᴡᴀʏꜱ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ʟᴏᴜɪꜱ ᴛᴏᴍʟɪɴꜱᴏɴ //ʟ.ꜱ//

23: Don't Let Me Go

I flip the pages not really looking at them but the words Don't Let Me Go at the top of one page and stop me.

don't let me, don't let me

don't let me go

cause I'm tired of feeling alone

don't let me, don't let me go

cause I'm tired of sleeping alone

I see even more words scribbled on the side of the page.

please don't let me go haz

As I read that, I felt a steady stream of tears fall down my face. He thought I was going to let him go? Was it because of Simon? Management? Did he ever think I was going to stop loving him? Did he think I was going to fall out of love with him?

A million thoughts go through my head at once. I pick up my phone with shaky hands and scroll until I see Niall's contact. I press the call button and let out a choked sob as I raise the phone to my ear.

"Yellow? What's up Harr- are you crying? What's wrong? Did something happen? Talk to me Harry."

"I- I found Louis' n-notebook. I r-read it an-and," another sob escapes from my mouth "He thought I was going to stop loving him. Please just come Niall. p-please."

"Yeah we'll be right over. Just- try to calm down until we get there. Um... remember what Dr. Oaklin said? Deep breaths. Deep breaths Harry. We'll be there soon, don't worry."

Before I can even try to make out a sentence, Niall hangs up. I just drop my phone on the floor and start crying. I'm crying so hard that it feels like I can't breathe. My eyes are full of tears so everything around me is blurry. I only see faint outlines of things.

I started to cry even harder. Louis always said how he wished he could freeze time and stay in a moment. I haven't cried this hard since- since Louis died. Since I lost him. Since I lost my lou. My baby.

---

"Harry?! Harry, where are you? What happened??"

I want to call out to naill to tell him that i'm in my room but i'm in too numb of pain to do so.

"Harry? There you are," Niall comes through my door and engulfed me in a hug right away "We're here now harry it's okay. you can talk now." We're? I see another shadow enter my room. Liam.

"Harry, it's okay. Just tell us what happened. Something about a notebook?"

I slowly move away from the warmth of Nialls hug to grab Louis' notebook. I simply just hand it to them. Not a word said. My head hits the pillows of my bed.

"Open it." Is all I say. I hear the rustling of paper and I hear Liam let out a small laugh. Guess he saw the first page. The same reaction I had.

I feel weight let lifted off the bed and I assume Niall went over to look at the notebook with liam.

"I never knew Louis wrote these. They-"

"Are beautiful. That's what they are. Beautiful masterpieces. That never got to be made."

I mean I think they are masterpieces. They are so full of emotion. Even from just reading them I felt what he felt. I can only imagine what they would have sounded like. Louis never liked to talk about his emotions openly.

"What were you talking about when you called me? Something about you not loving him?"

Right. That. I put my hand out and Liam hands me the notebook. I flip the pages until I see those words again.

Don't Let Me Go

The tears fall down my face again as I hand them the notebook. Liam just looks at Niall with an arched brow and takes the book from my trembling hands.

there are a few moments of silence. complete absence of sound. No one was talking. no birds chirping. you can't even hear me crying. the only thing you can hear is that stupid clock.

tik. tok. tik. tok.

"Harry-"

"He-he thought i was going to let him go. that I-I was going to stop loving him. Liam, he thought I was going to forget him." Yet again I'm full on sobbing. I never really cry in front of people. Especially Liam and Niall. I know how much they hate to see me in pain or hurting.

"Hey, hey. It's okay Harry. It's okay. We know you would never do that. You love him so much and it's obvious."

I can't even put any words into full sentences. All my emotions are mixed up and I can't think. I'm overwhelmed with everything. All that is coming out of my mouth is choked out sobs. Who knew that a little, worn out notebook with messy, but beautiful, handwriting in it would get me so worked up.

For anyone who didn't know Louis like we did, these lyrics would just be lyrics. but we've seen a side of him the world hasn't. The side that was closeted and forced to do things he doesn't want to do. Simon made him sign that stupid contract in 2012. Louis was never the same after that. I watched as the smile of the man I loved faded away. His beautiful, golden smile. His golden smile...

Simon it took away. He took the real Louis Tomlinson. He took my lou. He wanted to take Louis away from me. He thought he could do that from the contracts but no. Louis and I still made it work. He told me about the contract. He told me even when it seemed like he didn't love me, he did. He just had to hide it. Forced to hide who he really was.

Song: Don't Let Me Go by Harry Styles