SATELLITE HEART [A BARLEY LIGHTFOOT x READER STORY]

Barley's journal entries 4-9

October 9th, 2020

Maybe I'm mad at her. Maybe I'm mad at Ian. I don't know. She doesn't know how bad it is. She doesn't know how sick I am. She doesn't know that every day I can feel myself slipping away and she just left and I don't know when she's coming back. Mom says I've been out for hours. She was supposed to bring Ian home from school but he didn't even go to school today because they left together on a quest. And that's fine, I'm glad they're getting along because they're my best friends but this is so unfair. I should've told her. What is wrong with me

Maybe I'm mad at myself for pretending I could get better. I know I can't. And now she's gone.

October 9th, 2020 (much later)

Dad wasn't as good at fighting this sickness like I thought he would be. He was really scared and he got really angry. I read the last entry. He wrote about me, about how I didn't get to say goodbye to him, but none of the sentences made sense because he just wasn't able to even think like he used to then. I keep thinking of what he looked like in that bed, and I'm scared. 

Why isn't she here?

October 9th, 2020 (much later x2)

She still hasn't called me. Something isn't right. 

With me, not with her. I'm sure she's fine. I think the doctor wants to come in and have a talk with me and I'm terrified. I wish she was here. 

October 10th, 2020

There is nothing worse than a doctor coming in to talk to you and making your mom sit in the chair beside you while he delivers news. That's pretty much how you know it's bad news. And that's how you pretty much are guaranteed a crappy day where your mom cries and you're just sitting there.

They're sending me home for good. I get a nurse that will help me gently get to the very end. Weird choice of words, right? And then that'll be it. I'll be dying pretty soon, I guess. See you soon, Dad.

I hope she forgives me.

October 11th, 2020

They don't know how long I have. Weeks, months, who knows? But there isn't anymore hope, unless they bring a miracle. My only worry is that they won't bring a miracle in time and I'll be like Dad was at the end. I don't want to be silent on the bed while she cries over me. I want to be able to give her a real goodbye. And I don't want the goodbye to just disappear when I do. I don't want her to not have a lot of memories of me 'cause they're too painful.

So I'm just gonna write her a love letter. I didn't mention it here, because I was mad, but she wrote me a love letter and I've probably read it a thousand times.

___,

There's a lot I could say and should say but all I'm gonna say is this. You're my best friend. You're my soulmate. You're absolutely perfect and you're so amazing and funny and there are a thousand good things about you. A thousand reasons I don't deserve you, a thousand reasons you deserve everything good, and I am just so sorry to be the one that's doing this to you.

I don't know if I ever promised you that I wouldn't hurt you out loud, I just know that I promised it to myself. And now I know that I'm going to have to break that promise and hurt you really, really bad.

I just really hope you can be happy again. My mom was happy again. It took some time but she ended up okay. Hey --- maybe this whole journal of mine can be a love letter to you. So that way you can see that I've thought about you more than just this moment. You're all I think about, kid. Seriously. You've given me so much to fight for. I really hoped I could beat this for you. For us, 'cause we haven't talked about it, but I was one hundred and a thousand (that's a number, I swear) percent sure that I was going to marry you.

But all we have is this little bit of time, and I'm sorry. I love you and I'm sorry. Take care of Ian. I know you didn't want to be a sibling for a full time job, but I think you're really great at it and you'll keep him happy. Thank you for trying to save me. You really did save me, no matter what happens in the end.

I love you.

Bar.