He Ain't for you sis! A guide to dating in your 20s without losing your sh!t

He ain't for you sis, If he doesn't understand your love language

" Your love language will be understood by those fluent enough to listen and reciprocate. It's not your duty to teach people how to love you." -Billy chapata

I remember in my last relationship the entire relationship I just felt misunderstood and like my grand gestures and efforts were going unnoticed and it made me feel really unappreciated to the point I just felt nothing would ever be enough for him no matter how considerate I was , no matter if I put him first before my self and I mean moving from london to be closer to him in the midlands for him to say " I didn't ask you too. " I just constantly felt a slow burn of frustration growing even when not in his presence.  If there's anything I've learnt from the past few years of dating is spending time in your own company, you learn a lot about yourself and how you give love and what makes you feel loved and what makes you appreciate someone, defining your key love languages requires a lot of internal digging and self-reflection, which not only brings you closer to your authentic self but also empowers you to take charge of your own life. The more time you spend getting to know who you are, the more time you spend realising You ARE strong, YOU'RE resilient and YOU are capable. That's why figuring out your love language can actually help you to create the ultimate relationship you've been dreaming of.

There are 5 different love languages; which are touch, offering words of affirmation, spending quality time together, receiving gifts, and acts of service and they each react and interact with one another differently. While we all mainly focus on one primary language, there's never a one-size-fits-all solution to this sort of concept. Remember if this person in your life doesn't understand your love language but you know there's or vice versa, this could make you/them feel misunderstood. When you're not "getting" each other, both you and your bae will likely feel ignored, since neither of your needs are being met. When that happens, the best thing you can do is discuss what you need, and how they should express their love to you in a way you could appreciate . Being able to identify how you want you partner to show love and affection can make a huge difference in the way it is received, and the way your partner feels. So its like from the French film Les Chorist "Action, es reaction"! Every action has a reaction! If you've yet to receive a gift that truly feels like "you," it could be a sign your partner isn't paying attention. But it might also mean they just don't understand your love language. They might, for example, always go for the gift, when all you really wanted was a night in together. Until this is addressed, every birthday and holiday will be a new opportunity for hurt feelings — on both sides of the relationship, He ain't for you sis!

Moreover, when you're not on the same wavelength, you might feel the need to drop strong hints around your partner, in order to get what you want. And yet, it still feels like they aren't listening and this is one of the reason for so many petty arguments when dating. I've learned that the person I was with didn't intuitively know what I wanted or needed. I had to tell him straight up from time to time, Sometimes when you're having to remind him that I don't want to go hang with your friends to make me feel better, I want to watch a film in.

If the two of you are always on the verge of a fight? He ain't for you sis, the biggest sign that that your love languages do not match up is you both are very confused and frustrated. You are both confused because you know you love each other, but you do not feel loved by your mate. This will eventually lead to some unnecessary breaks in the relationship. I've always said if I have more than one break with a guy I'm dating then I can't take the relationship serious anymore, its actually a joke at this point especially if you've already met each others family. One scene I love in friends that is a perfect example of someones love language is ;

Monica : I'm not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!

Chandler : ....you're a little high maintenance.

Monica : *gasps*

Chandler : Look, I'm sorry, but you're not easygoing, but you're passionate.

And that's good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I'm pretty good at making you feel better.

They say you're high maintenance, but it's okay, because I like....maintaining you.

It goes without saying, if you are always begging it for hugs, or feeling completely rejected when your partner only wants to cuddle for a few minutes? These are big clues that physical touch is important to you and not a love language of the other person, relationship expert Rhonda Milrad says "Unless the partner learns how to respond in a physical way, [you] can end up feeling undesired and unimportant".

Let's talk about acts of service. If you're more of a service person, it can feel like you're constantly hung out to dry when it comes to anything chore-related, even if that's not necessarily the case. The disappointed partner( you) will feel like you're 'in this relationship alone,' 'can't count on him,' and that it is 'all on me,'". You can see how this can leave your partner — who is likely trying so hard in other aspects — feeling incredibly frustrated and unappreciated, too. This then falls under communication also when your partners speaks different love languages they often have a problem with communication because this difference leads to misunderstanding, misinterpretations of intent/feelings, and incorrect conclusions about how a they feels towards you.

If you're not a physical person, but your bae is, it might feel like all they want is sex. A prime example of this is, the person seeking quality time you might interpret their touch as a desire for sex only. When this happens, you often pull away or avoid contact, which leaves you or your partner believing there's no attraction there or don't want to be close.

Finally

Are you always trying your best efforts, and yet it never feels like enough? One of you may be showing love by doing small things around the house, while the other is dishing out words of affirmation. You're both doing a lot for the relationship, but because it's not what the other wants, it feels like nothing at all.

Something to think about; By pinpointing the ways in which you express your love, affection and gratitude for those you love most, you can empower yourself to create more meaningful and gratifying relationships. It's a process, though, and one which can take a lot of time and introspection — if that isn't a journey you've already engaged with.

Learning the way you connect requires digging deep, and that leads to some major actualisation and self -realisations both within and without. Digging into your love languages allows you to recognise your own power and worth, but it also allows you to see it better in others — leading to improved relationships and sense of self all around.

In conclusion, you can see, this love language business really can make or break a relationship. If any of the above sounds familiar, and you've spoken about this to your bae but no improvements, He ain't the one for you sis however use this guide as a way you can better meet your future relationship needs. You'll likely have a much healthier relationship as a result from learning what didn't work and expressing the qualities you find attractive in a man early on in the dating game so at least they're aware.

Action Tip:

What do I need from a partner when I'm down? 

The worst thing a partner can do? 

When do I feel supported?

Hopefully this chapter has spoken to you and is starting to open up your potential, I will try and upload every week but depends on how this goes, If you want more please comment, like and share , 

much appreciated

 J x