the songs i cry to

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

After months of not texting back my best friend, I start to worry about her. the weather has been getting colder. I guess the weather changes people. maybe she just changed. is she okay? I get out of bed after just sitting for a couple of hours. does she still like me? I run my eyes in discomfort, seeing the slightest bit of her. am I nothing to her? her brown hair and emerald eyes. does she think about me? her light freckles she's so self conscious about. do we still have a connection? I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, but I can't bring myself to do it. instead, I just rinse with mouthwash. does she even remember me? I look in the fridge for breakfast, but there's no food, and if there is, it's old. does she remember my name? has she completely forgot about me? I turn on the tv to watch cartoons fall and look like an idiot, just to entertain toddlers and teach them that violence is funny. is it just a coincidence? are we still friends? I've got to know.

my head is spinning with so many questions and so many thoughts. my head is just a big book, a dictionary or bible, of questions on why she ignores me and if she changed. and if she did change, I have so many theories of why and how she just straight up left. was it her new friends that changed her? was it because we didn't have any classes that year? or was it because i broke my phone for 2 months? would she give me answers if i asked? why do I care so much? is there something else I don't know?

I wonder what she's doing right now. not long ago, she would be texting, calling, or writing a letter on how much she loves me. I miss her comfort. I miss her assuring words, that could put me to sleep and shut me down. I miss everything she did to me. I hope I didn't mess anything up in our relationship. I hope we're still friends, and I hope she will stop ignoring me. i haven't blocked her anywhere, but she did block my number, so I took that as a sign to leave her alone for a while. maybe she's going through something? maybe I left her alone for TOO long? maybe she didn't want me to leave her alone in the first place. we don't live that far away. maybe i can go see her? it would be nice to see her again and to get some closure. what about her parents? will they let me inside? will she let me inside? fuck it.

I run out of my house, with a light jacket on and platforms ,that are not made for the snow, not caring anymore. I need to see her. i run down the sidewalk we would walk home from school down, and onto the grass we had tiny picnics on, and the forest passing the trees we used to run around, paint on, or we would just sit down and talk to each other, or we would make out under. i run past the park that we loved and did most the things we did at the trees and more. i run past the rich neighborhood, not caring if the privileged would call the cops, suspecting me of a crime. they could call the cops on me for all I cared. I'm too focused on my love. on my friendship. i run as the wind pasts by me, like a breeze. and I'm running so fast, it's feels light I'm made out of feathers. I don't feel anything, yet my footsteps are so loud and so are the leaves and the sound of the thick snow sinking down with each step I take. she makes me think about everything and she made me more aware of the important and loving things in life. nothing matters accept her. after running for miles, non stop, I reach her door and bang on it as loud as I can. she has a beautiful house. I loved all the times we shared together at her house, even if her parents were extremely controlling of her. when she opens it, I immediately hug her not moving.  she doesn't respond. she stays still as my arms are still wrapped around her, giving her warmth from the cold snow. if I were in her position I would be speechless. I just hope we can stay like this forever.  "are we still friends?"  after 5 minutes, but it felt like hours, she pushes me off her and onto the snowy grass, she stares at my for a while, looking sad and disappointed and in pain. She slams her door shut, as a loud noise ringing in my ears, not really knowing what happened. until it finally hit me.

was is something I said? I said one sentence. one question. she didn't even answer it either. was it the hug? did she feel unsafe? why would she feel that around me? is there something wrong with me? do I look different to her? to everyone or just her? did she just slam the door on me? wait..

what the hell?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey if you wanna request any songs, ill listen to them and please tell me if there is anything i can do to improv my writing because I'm not the best and I wanna improve. also updates might be slow depending on which book I work on because I have a lot of them in mind. and if I find one of my cry stories really good I will extend it into a bigger book. if you want you can try to read the book in time with the song but its very difficult  and most of these are gonna be gay so yea. thank you :)