TommyInnit Angst

trans tommy </3

am i a bad person for writing things about tommy? yeah. do i care? HELL NO LMAO-

(part of song story is based off of starts at 3:53 :))

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She sobbed, locked in her bathroom, long blonde hair covering her red and tear stained face. Everything hurt. Not physically, she didn't know how. But everything was wrong. 

Bye, bye, baby blue. I wish you could see the wicked truth.

Her parents made it clear they didn't want any 'tranny' children. So she didn't even think about being trans. Even though she hated being called a 'she' and being their 'daughter', she thought it was all just a phase. A weird, unexplainable phase. 

Caught up in a rush, its killing you.

A rush of pure anger and confusion washed over her. What was wrong with her? Its been a whole year and this phase didn't end. Everytime she was called a 'she' she felt a wave of nausea. She hated it. 

Screaming at the sun you blow into.

She wanted to scream. She wanted it to be over. She wanted everything to stop. She wanted to know what was wrong. She hated this. When would it end? When would it be over?

Her head ached and her eyes burned from all the crying, but she was too dissociated to care. She felt numb, but infuriated at the same time.

Curled up in a grip when we were us.

She clenched her fists as she remembered every memory she had been trying so hard to suppress. She remembered when Tubbo, her best friend, noticed something was up. She couldn't tell him what was wrong, she didn't even know what was wrong herself. So after months of slowly becoming distant, Tubbo broke. 

He had been trying to help so much but nothing worked, and he couldn't get any answers. He felt bad as he said it, but he was angry. It all came out at that fateful, fateful moment.

"What the hell is up with you? I've only been trying to help and be nice but its like I don't even know you anymore. Do you not trust me? Do you hate me? What did I fucking do? You won't tell me anything! I just want to help-" Tubbo was shouting until he heard a strangled sob. She cried through the discord call, making her icon illuminate, and Tubbo just listened in silence. All that could be heard was her violent sobs and the noise of cars whizzing past outside his window. She tried to explain but couldn't talk without another cry stopping her from talking.

Tubbo left the call.

Fingers in a fist like you might run.

She didn't know what to do. Run away? Kill herself? She knew it was extreme, but she had been bottling up all this pain for a year now. She was getting sick of it. She was sensitive and in so, so much excruciating pain. The cold bathroom tiles mocked her. The tiles didn't feel pain. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to throw and break those fucking lucky tiles. Maybe smash them into her head and kill herself along with them.

Settle for a ghost I never knew.

She stood up. She was still extremely dissociated. Everything felt surreal and far away. She watched as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her face was stained with tears, her blue eyes cloudy, her cheeks and nose red as a tomato. She hated it. She just wanted to be happy. But how would she be happy? She didn't know. She didn't know what was wrong with herself. 

Until it hit her like a brick. 

A tough realization came crashing onto her, almost physically knocking her down. She hated being called a 'she'. She hated being called 'daughter', 'girl', 'princess'. She wanted to be a boy.

But she couldn't.

Her head kept aching as she assessed her options. Get kicked out or worse by her parents because she wanted to be a boy? or stay how she was, and though it would be painful, she would be with her parents, who she loved dearly. 

Another sob racked through as she realized how disgusting it was that her parents, the people who she was supposed to trust with everything, would abandon her alone and starving, just because of something that hurt her to the point of almost committing suicide. She bit her lip so hard it started bleeding. 

She didn't want to cry anymore. She would stay as she was, as putrid as her parent's morals were, she loved them. She loved her house, and her parents, and her dogs. She loved it here. She didn't want to lose it. It would be so, so painful. But she would stay as she was. For her parents.

Super paradise I held into.

But I settle for a ghost.

Everyday, everything hurt. She became a shell of who she once was. She stopped streaming, stopped talking to her friends, stopped everything she used to love. It only hurt. Her fans knew her as a she, her 'friends' would probably leave her when they heard that she was trans. It only hurt. 

It would stop hurting if she was gone right? 

She repeated this over and over in her head as the wind whipper 'her' hair around, making it hard to see. It was a cold day, but 'she' didn't mind. Even though the cold nipped at 'her' fingers, it would be over soon, so 'she' didn't mind. 'Her' legs dangled off, like she was floating. Oh, how 'she' would be floating soon. It would be wonderful. 'She' shuffled forward until only 'her' arms were holding 'her' up. 

"I am Tommy. You'll never know me, but my name is Tommy." He spoke into the cold air. Nobody was there to hear, only the spirits that he would soon be joining. His arms gave out. 

No. No. NoNoononononono

There was still hope, he could run and cut his hair, stay with Wilbur. He could've confided in Eret, could've told somebody, anybody-

An blood-curdling scream pierced the air. The wind and some girl's scream was the last thing he ever heard.

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sad now? good. 

anything i couldve done to make this sadder? criticism is appreciated :D

go read some fluff if youre sad now, i dont want you to be too sad :(

but thanks for reading <3 love ya, bye!