Snotlout's Guide To The Apocalypse

SNOTLOUT'S GUIDE TO THE APOCALYPSE

SUMMARY: Zombie/Apocalypse/Humour AU. Berk's most misunderstood dragon rider shares his essential tips on surviving the end of the world!

Disclaimer: We don't own How To Train Your Dragon. Rights remain with Cressida Cowell and Dreamworks. We don't own any zombies either (not for lack of trying-and I'm still suspicious about that porg...).

No dragons, donkeys, pinecones or dragon riders were harmed in the making of this fiction.

Harry's A/N: 2020. The year of natural disasters, the global plague and general miserableness all round. So obviously thoughts turn to the Zombie Apocalypse. And who better to guide you through than Snotlout Gary Jorgensen, Berk's most singed and definitely most misunderstood dragon rider?

Just two authors, a porg, some computers and possibly alcohol... What could go wrong?

Vala's AN: There was definitely alcohol involved don't let Harry's 'possibly' fool you. *clinks glasses* CHEERS! (Porg has fainted on the couch because he is a total lightweight)

-o0o-

1. Never ever set Zombies on fire

"Explain to me again how this happened?" Stoick asked as he crossed his arms and glared down at the soot-covered and singed Snotlout. Several parts of him were still smoking and the devastation left in his path was..... staggering.

"Well....." Snotlout gulped. "You see....."

"I'm waiting," Stoick stated as he was tapping a finger against his arm while his eyes narrowed.

"There were zombies," Snotlout muttered.

"Of course there were zombies. We are in a zombie apocalypse." Stoick then stated. "That does not explain how fire was set to nearly half this forest! Thor-damnit Snotlout how did zombies cause a forest fire?!"

"Because they were on fire?" Snotlout answered lamely and took a step back at the glare he got from the former Chief-though he spent most of the time acting like he still was, rather than having handed the mantle to his son as soon as the zombies appeared on Berk. "In my defense it was the twins fault... mostly...."

"The twins were on a scouting mission with Eret! How is this their fault?!"

"Well it was their flamethrower that did the deed! How was I supposed to know it would produce that large a flame?!"

"The twins are not allowed to have incendiary devices anymo-wait nevermind. I'll deal with them later. Just tell me what happened, Snotlout," Stoick groaned. He needed some mead soon for all this chaos.

"Alright alright, so me and Gustav were keeping watch and eating a can of beans. We relieved Ruff and Tuff of guard duty but they left the flamethrower they had been tinkering with there. I didn't know it was a flamethrower. It didn't look like a flamethrower at all." Snotlout made wild movements and gestured to said weapon which Stoick had to begrudgingly admit did indeed not look like a flamethrower. "So anyway, here we were, in the doom and gloom of a zombie apocalypse minding our own business when a horde of zombies comes at us through the trees. Gustav rang the alarm while I started shooting at them, then-"

"Then?" Stoick gestured for Snotlout to continue.

"We ran out of bullets....." Here Stoick facepalmed.

"So then I see the gun." Snotlout gestured dramatically to said weapon on the table, much like a gameshow assistant would do, and then said. "I grabbed it and pulled the trigger."