2 Questions Every Girl is Asking Herself

Chapter 42

My heart jumped at the sight of his name. Then I looked around furtively, wondering if he'd written the same thing for everyone.  Later in the washroom, a girl on a different team, who'd be sharing a hotel room with me at the competition, suddenly started talking about him out of the blue. As she washed her hands, she watched for my reaction in the mirror. I tried to keep a straight face, but every time I heard his name mentioned my chest tightened as though my secret has been exposed.

The competition took place at a fancy hotel downtown, and would span an entire weekend. On opening day, masses of students arrived from the rest of Canada, and we had to be loud and rowdy and build human archways to welcome them all as they disembarked the busses. I wanted to indulge in the festivities, the pep rallies the drinking and the socializing, the Enchanted Soiree themed parties and the lovely dinners, but I couldn't quite let myself. I was there but not really there. Other than attending the necessary events, and screaming the necessary slogans, I spoke preciously little. I had to keep myself mentally immersed in the task of preparing for the competition.

One afternoon, as I was sitting in bed in my pajamas, a guy from a competing team came traipsing through our hotel room, chatted with my team mates, and then asked pointedly, "Where's your third member?"

They gestured at me. He turned around, seeing me for the first time, as though I'd been invisible previously, "How come you never talk? Why are you in your pajamas in the middle of the day? You should be walking around socializing. What's wrong with you?"

I was like, back off man.  Can't you see? I'm conserving my energy so I can kick your ass big time tomorrow.

But before I could think of a polite explanation, a voice said:

"She's just resting."

It was a calm and casual voice. But it was enough to shut the other guy up. I turned to find the F4 boy who wrote the card leaning against the door.

Now this was before Susan Cain's revolutionary TED talk on Introverts. At this time, most people, myself included, still believed being sociable is the cool thing, and the right thing to do. That if you didn't do it, there's something wrong with you. Silence is not revered. It's frowned upon. I was surprised that he, of all people, the guy with his face streaked with war paint, leading us in riotous waves of screaming at pep rallies, would understand.  

I smiled.

He walked around the bed and knelt by my side. And then as though he was going to ask if I wanted a Coke or a Pepsi, he said quietly,

"Would you date someone younger than you?"

Time stopped solid as the revelation of his question hung in the air like a fragrance.

I held my breath as I looked at him. In that moment, I understood what people mean when they say someone is breathtaking. Their faces are so beautiful that you literally forget to breathe. His blue-green eyes bore into mine with an intensity that I didn't know what to do with.

I just stared back at him.

Then he got up and left.

I knew I should've said something but I couldn't think of anything to say. I hadn't flirted in so long I wasn't sure I knew how to do it anymore. It's lovely to be admired of course. Even more so to be noticed by someone like him.  But I couldn't tell if he was serious or if he was playing. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to start dating again. I worried if I get involved with another guy, I would unwittingly drive him away – simply by being myself. I worried what if he does this to all the girls? I worried he wouldn't be a good boyfriend. And if we break up, then I would have to cry a hurricane and grit my teeth through homework all over again. If I learned anything from the love story with Ed, it is this: falling in love is consuming. Heartbreak is consuming. It's not a good idea to attempt an epic love story in the middle of projects that require intense focus. Because something's gotta give. And doing everything at once is just soooo friggin' hard. All I knew for sure was that I never ever, ever, EVER want to put myself through that kind of pain again, and that I cannot let my team down. I decided it would be impudent of me to get involved with anyone without having figured it out first. "It" meaning, relationships in general. 

David Deida wrote, over the course of a woman's life, her identity will swing like a pendulum from dependence on men to independence on herself. Gradually the swings will reduce in magnitude, and come closer and closer to the center. If a part of me used to think if I could marry well, then I'll live happily ever after, I thought that no longer. Love seems so fickle and so unpredictable. How do you protect yourself when you pour that much time and energy and emotions in one person, putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak, only to have it turn to smash? How do you hold on to someone, so he never wants to leave? What kind of girl do I need to be so the kind of guy I want, will want me back? If he's the epitome of perfection in my eyes, how do I make sure I have enough to offer in return? The answer to that came easily and naturally - I'll have to strive to become the kind of person I want to marry.

And that's what I tried to do.

We won the competition. And did many more besides. I still had my borderline obsessive crushes for the F4s, but I admired them from a distance. Those two years became some of the most productive times of my life. During those years, I didn't date once. As Mandy Len Catron wrote in her famous To Fall in Love, Do This essay, "Love didn't happen to us. We each made the choice to be." I too believe Love is a feeling and a choice. I simply wasn't ready to choose Love yet. I had to build my bones first.