Dearest Husband

11. Of the perilous jungle called in-laws

In the Name of Allaah the Most Gracious the Most Understanding One

Thousands of blessings and peace of Allaah SWT be upon His beloved Prophet Muhammad SAW, his blessed descendants and noble companions.
- Aameen

11. Of the perilous jungle called in-laws

When exactly do you fit in with your in-laws, that is, if you ever do and think, yes I have finally become one of them. When do you become merged properly in with the whole gang of awkwardness and formality? Does it take months, years or our whole life? Or perhaps we always remain the odd one out?

Your marriage and moving in with your in-laws is like uprooting a large plant (of twenty something years!) and re-planting it amidst a strange jungle of trees where literally everything is different. The soil, the water, even the trees are not alike, if you watch and learn about how one works, the other turns out to be a completely different one.

It has taken me nearly five years of my marriage to accept, write down and say that I have become comfortable with my in-laws Alhamdulillaah, yet deep down I know that the branches of blood inside me still belong to the family where I was born and raised, but my roots now grow and thrive in the atmosphere of my marriage home and rather than struggle to understand, Alhamdulillaah I now enjoy my in laws with their own quirks and humour while the family back home with my parents and siblings feel like they belong to an era of life that happened eons ago.

I go there to spend a few days, a week to be max, and my body and soul becomes refreshed at the pampering and fussing of my parents but at the end of the day all my heart wants is to be back home with my husband... so being a married woman, it's all one elaborate twist of heartbreaks and yearnings, but you have to realise and prioritize, and as a woman, pleasing our husband should always be at the top of the list.

"Aagh how do you put up with him?" my Abba asks after a day of company spent with my husband. Really Abbuji? Didn't you marry him to me? Sure, my husband could be annoying... I would have agreed with my father in the initial days of my marriage where everything was bizarre and uncomfortable and so nerve-wrecking... but not now when our five years of marriage is going to end Alhamdulillaah, I love you so much Abbu but my husband is the best thing to have ever happened to me Alhamdulillaahi Rabbil Alameen.

So yea that is one thing you should always remember, even your own parents, siblings won't become buddies with your spouse but if you two, husband and wife are happy together, then as they say in Urdu, there's no need for a Qaazi! So just because your parents, family, friends etc don't like or understand your husband, don't go and spoil your own good relationship with him asking him to make the effort. Just grow up and learn that in real life, there are many people who you tolerate and are kind for Allaah SubhanaHu wa ta'Ala's sake, doesn't mean love for them blossoms in our heart too.

And in this strange perilous jungle of people called in-laws where you have to watch your every word and action lest there's some hidden trap or some unknown hunter that watches, your husband should always remain the throbbing heart, like a true guide who keeps everyone connected and in their proper places.

He should be knowledgeable in his Deen, should know how to treat with kindness and not to do injustice either to his own family or to his wife supporting one side and leaving the other. He should have Taqwa, fear of Allaah SubhanaHu wa ta'Ala that makes him analyze his actions and words, and he takes the time to understand what's really going on and helps to solve rather than being a part of ignorant mischief.

And how does one acquire all of those characteristics in our husband if not through sincere repeated Duas to Ar Rahman?

Sometimes though we have all this knowledge of Deen, but it's just that, knowledge stuffed up in the head and our actions are proud, selfish, impatient and unkind...so rather than all we learn, it is our intention, how we behave and treat others which matters more in the sight of Rabb e Dhul Jalaal...

Like your own family, there would be different kinds of people in your in-laws too. Some would understand, a few would support, and others would be rigid and still others who would oppose. Adjusting, learning from our own mistakes, and trying to forgive wrong done towards you and always searching for that spark of goodness in everyone no matter how they behave, being kind even if others are not ...because that is what our beloved Nabi Salallaahu alaihi wa sallam has taught us, and striving to do all of this with the Niyyah of pleasing our Rabbul 'Alameen... so that He SubhanaHu wa ta'Ala makes our lives beautiful in both dunya and aakhirah...

Isn't that what we want, to what we strive for, to make our life beautiful? Alhamdulillaah ya Rabbi for teaching us...

One of the worst and soul-leaching, goodness sucking habits prevalent in families, especially among women is backbiting. Coolly and calmly gossiping about others the moment they leave. Why? This question shows our character, why do we women gossip, why do we unintentionally become malicious in ripping apart others words and deeds? Why is that we think that we are so holy and pure?

Nobody thinks of it as a big sin, detestable in the sight of our Rabb but we only think we are sharing what 'others have done', and we want them to become better yet we don't have the hikmah to correct them to their face, so we would rather smile or put up in front and behind their backs, we tear them apart, never pausing for a moment to realise how all our good deeds is being transferred to their accounts.

All of this saddens me and I'm an odd soul too, I don't speak a lot and I certainly don't have the hikmah to correct others, so instead I strive to become better by His Fazal and I continue those Duas... my husband though Alhamdulillaah, rather than backbite he would correct others to their face, he doesn't exactly has hikmah, he is kind yes but his words are rough though his intention is always good yet people don't understand and become annoyed...

Why is it our ego so tremendous that when others correct us, it becomes a matter of displeasure? We are not sahabah (radiAllahu anhu) yes, who thanked the people who corrected them... we can at least strive, try to emulate them and learn to become better bit by little bit, ah ya Rahmana who will guide us if not Thee?

I write here with the intention that this becomes a vague blueprint in helping other girls in shaa Allaahu ta'Ala, that they should get to know that married life is not all roses and candlelight... in fact my husband rarely buys me flowers, and when he does, they are mostly jasmines, and of course we light candles only when the power goes off and we had forgotten to charge the emergency lamps...

Yea real life is practical and messy and wounded holes of hurt but Alhamdulillaah there's beautiful things too that we witness and become healed, like how the romance between a husband and wife is more subtle and soothing.

It's in the way he always smiles when he sees you, in the way he reads your expressions (at least he tries), in the way he remembers your likes and dislikes, in the way he is gentle and patient when you fail again not remembering his tastes and preferences, in the way he listens and advices, in the way he shares all his secret childhood stories, in the way he is proud and supports you to others, in the way he asks to scratch his back (yet again!), in the way he makes raunchy jokes and expects you to laugh, in the way he is genuinely puzzled by your craziness of books, in the way he sings songs happily with the silliest of lyrics, in the way he reveals his accomplishment and wants to be praised, in the way he shows he is flawed but strives to become better, in the way he praises Thee ya Rahmana and again and again and again showing how beautiful a heart can be, ah Alhamdulillaahi Rabbil 'Alameen.

If you are feeling resentful and unkind towards your husband (we all have those moments and sometimes days) just sit down and write everything good you know about him, the more you write and think, search goodness, the more you feel kindness spreading inside and you realise that you can understand their point of view too. This works in understanding other people too... this world is a series of tests upon tests, so no matter you are married or not, learn to understand yourself, to be kind and moderate in your views, to be humble and generous seeking your Rabbul 'Alameen's Magnificent Face as reward...

Perhaps there will be a part two of this topic as I seem to have rambled on from in-laws, we'll see in shaa Allaahu ta'Ala. This is another year granted for us to strive a bit more towards pleasing Rabb e Rahman, so may we become those whom our Prophet Salallaahu alaihi wa sallam is proud to call as my Ummati! Aameen ya Rabbul Alameen.

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