If I Fell (The Beatles/George Harrison Story)

18: John.

*Dates aren't correct.*

The minutes flew by in hurry as we cracked jokes and carried on. The darkness from the clouds had turned the sky to almost an asphalt color leaving the streetlights as our only source of light.  Ringo left the group in a hurry realizing the time was a half-past 9, the poor boy had a curfew of 10 o'clock. Paul did the same a few minutes after.

Eventually, it was George, John and I only. My heart raced as we neared George's turn off to his street, meaning that I would be alone with John for the first time since that night at The Cavern.

"El?" George questioned bringing me back from my thoughts while shaking my arm gently. "Ella?"

"Y-yes Georgie? What is it?-- Oh." 

The three of us had stopped near the edge of George's turn-off. 

"Will you be alright? Do you want me to come with you?" He asked hesitantly with a cautious tone.

I looked to down the poorly-lit brick street, wishing George could take me with him.

Yes. "No." I said quickly brushing his hand off me and giving it a quick squeeze. "I'll be alright, see you soon."

George said nothing, although his worried eyes mixed with confusion said it all, he was scared for me. John and I watched quietly as George stepped out into his side road and disappeared into the darkness.

John and I strolled in silence for quite some time, both of us begging for the other to say something. At this time, my mind couldn't possibly think of anything else than the fact that John could do anything at anytime to me and get away with it.

"J-John?" I spoke softly, almost tripping over the crunching gravel beneath our feet. "Why have you been acting so different lately." I asked out of the  blue.

John gave me no response, instead he furrowed his brows and kept his gaze centered on the sidewalk beneath us.

I hesitated before continuing once more. "E-ever since that night at The Cavern when you, erm, y'know... Ever since then, I've been noticing you've been acting a lot more rude, snarky... I mean, not saying you were ever snarky but y-you--"

"El." John said making us both stop in our tracks. "Do you really want to know?" 

I agreed by nodding my head quickly, fixated on his eyes which had seemed to gloss over.

The boy let out a sigh before continuing. "My mom, Julia, you've heard of her? Well, I don't if you know this, but her death date is coming up 3 days from now... It's- it's been a year and, well, I still miss her." John said as we continued our walk, words flowing out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "She was amazing Ella, truly, and I guess this is just how I act when someone I love goes away... This time, forever."

I was extremely surprised for I completely forgot about John's mother's passing. It was tragic really, and I had never stopped to think about how hard John had it.

"I'm so sorry." I replied sympathetically, looking over to the saddened boy. "I understand. You'll get through this Johnny, just like you always do." There was no doubt about it, I wasn't very good at sympathizing however I did feel like I had to try and help John through this.

"That's what everyone says, but she's never coming back is she?" He questioned assertively. "No. I'll never see her again, never! You don't understand, she is never coming back.  You don't know what it's like. You have a mother, George has a mother, Rings has a mother... The only person who doesn't is Paul, so, he is the only person that understands. Every night you go home to hugs and kisses from your ma, maybe she even made biscuits, huh? Well, not for me, I go home to nothing El, nothing at all!

John's hands were clenched into fists, squeezing them so tightly that his knuckles were turning as white as a ghost.

We walked in silence for quite sometime. It was obvious that John wasn't planning on saying anything else. I was so shocked by what had happened moments prior that I couldn't possibly think of something I could say to make John feel better. So, we strolled in silence, the tension growing thicker and thicker with every breath we drew.

"I-I" He said suddenly, his voice clearly breaking as he tried to speak. "I'm sorry..." He let out as a single tear slid down his left cheek. "I didn't mean to yell..."

"It's ok John... Do you want to talk about it more? Or would you rather to keep on walking?" I asked, assuring him that his emotions were valid.

"No no Ella it's fine. But, I need to ask you something... Will you forgive me?" He questioned, with a sort of pleading look that I had never seen on him before.

"John it's alright! You don't have to feel bad about letting your emotions out--"

"No El," He replied, cutting me off. "For everything I did. I know I've been acting like a dick lately, I'm sorry. When stuff like this happens, I don't know what to do so, I guess I just hide it. I know it's not good for me but, I'm not Paul, I'm not gonna go around and write a song about how life is horrible, I'll just joke about it like I always do... But I am truly sorry Ella and I hope you can forgive me for everything I've done. I'm not telling you to, I'm just asking... Will you forgive me?"

I stared into his light brown orbs, which started to spew out tears. 

"It's alright John..." I replied realizing he had meant every word. "Just never do it again."

Caught off guard, he came in for a hug, sobbing into my shoulder.

"Thank you."

We stood there for quite sometime in an embrace. John and I spoke about many things: the band, friends, family and just life in general. My choice to walk alone with John had turned out to the right one, we were finally on good terms again. I was glad to know that he was finally back to his old-self, at least for me. This poor boy had been through so much and nobody had really ever stopped to think about what it had done to him. On the outside, he was a sarcastic guy coming out of his teddy faze who didn't seem to give a damn about anyone else's opinion. On the inside, he was fragile, ready to crack like a thin piece of glass being dropped from a plane.  

Would I ever seen this side of John again? Who knows. At this point, that question wasn't one I was asking myself, I was just thankful that I finally made up with John and that I no longer had to feel awkward around him.  I could be myself without him having to make some silly joke, and knowing this, the  rest of the walk wasn't as hard as I had first anticipated.