SUMMER'S END

10

Despite promising Robyn she'd be around all day, Nicki found herself fleeing the Lodge-her self-created safe haven. For some reason, it didn't feel so safe anymore. Nicki had faced numerous probing questions before and had always shrugged them off elegantly, with a quip and a chuckle, quickly and efficiently. Her usual modus operandi didn't seem to work with Robyn. The most disconcerting aspect of it was that it wasn't because of Robyn's gentle insistence-nothing she hadn't dealt with before-but because of that melting feeling beneath her stomach.
"Another one please, Sam." She tapped a finger against the sweaty neck of her beer bottle.
"You're killing them off fast today." He looked at his worn watch ostentatiously. "Bit early, even for a die-hard lesbian like yourself." Not in the mood for banter, Nicki didn't take the bait. She shot her friend a crooked smile and he knew her well enough to leave it alone. Sometimes, when the silence inside her head became too deafening, Nicki did visit Sam's bar for a bout of meaningless conversation. When she hadn't had guests in a while and even the Lodge, with its sprawling view, felt too isolated. Today, though, her mind was not quiet but busy trying to figure out why Robyn's presence had such an instant effect on her. Sam planted another beer in front of her and, with a wink, retreated to the other side of the bar. A group of three backpackers sat by the open window, but Nicki easily blocked out the noise they made. She brought the bottle to her mouth, letting the cold liquid cool her off from the inside. Nicki definitely recognised herself in Robyn. The posh background. The doubts. The relief of telling someone. The crushing social expectations. In the end, it all hadn't really mattered. It had all worked itself out, until that day...
She saw a version of herself in Robyn she hadn't been acquainted with for so long. That eager look in her blue eyes, speaking of a life not free of challenges but wide open with possibility. Sentiments unimaginable to Nicki now. Seeing such desire for life burn in Robyn's eyes made her look back, though. It made her remember a time she didn't allow herself, out of sheer self-preservation, to revisit. It also made her feel something she hadn't felt in years. A crack in her guard she'd worked so hard to keep up-she'd deemed absolutely necessary for her own survival. Robyn's innocence and unassuming way of asking questions almost made her want to answer them. Maybe it was time. Maybe the wall had been up long enough for the most broken pieces of her to heal behind it. Not before she had another beer, though. She signalled Sam, who was busy washing glasses at the sink.
"Either you tell me what's going on," Sam said as he deposited a glass of ice water in front of her, "or I ban you from my bar. And I damn well know this is your favourite place on the island." The grin
that came with his statement was disarming, his thick Australian accent charming as always. Nicki shoved the water aside. "Give me another beer and I may well tell you all my best kept secrets."
"I'm not asking for your secrets, darling." Sam leaned onto the counter of the bar with his elbows. "But it's not like you to come here in the middle of the afternoon and get hammered."
"There's this girl," Nicki blurted out. She shook her head before continuing, feeling as if she'd already said too much. Robyn was just a girl passing through, like so many others. There was no reason why she should be any different.
"Ah." Sam's knuckle briefly touched her wrist. "About time." Nicki knew he meant well, but his response was enough to snap her out of it. She'd left the Lodge after watching Robyn trail off to the fish restaurant and had skipped lunch altogether. Her head was spinning from too much beer, her guard was slipping and she needed to be alone. Sleep it off. Make it go away. Again.
"I'd better go." She reached for the pocket of her jeans shorts.
"What's the score?"
"Pay me later." Sam grabbed her by the arm. "And give me your car keys, please. I'll call Aran and have him take you home." Nicki had never told Sam about what had driven her to seek solitary refuge in Thailand and he had no way of knowing that his words would rouse such emotion from her. Nicki fought hard against the tears. Unable to fend them off on her own, she reached for the glass of water and swallowed a few icy gulps. They left her cold inside, just the way she liked it. She waited for Aran in silence, a fatigue creeping through her flesh. She just wanted to sleep. And forget. Maybe even pretend Robyn wasn't here so she didn't have to experience these feelings. What were they anyway? Hormones? After Aran dropped her off, she went straight up the stairs, avoiding any possible contact with Robyn or the other guests. She drew the curtains shut and pretended it was long after night fall. She fell onto her bed, fully clothed, screwed her eyes shut and tried to convince herself everything could stay the same until she fell asleep. She woke up just before ten p.m.