Between the Shadow and the Soul

Chapter 5

Suki searched for Aang for what seemed like an hour in this labyrinth of a Palace, but finally found the airbender in the stables. She smiled as she saw him talking to Appa and feeding him hay. She attempted to sneak up with him and frowned with disappointment when he turned around to face her. "Nice try, Suki," he laughed. The warrior pouted before eventually laughing with him. She eyed the grounds to make sure no one was around before leaning to a whisper, "I have to tell you something." Aang stiffened up at hearing the seriousness in her tone. He asked, "What is it?" Suki whispered, "Zuko and I kissed!"

The airbender's eyes went wide right then as he shouted, "What?!" "Shhhh," she said in a hushed yell, "Keep your voice down. Yes, I asked him if he still liked me and when he didn't respond, I kissed him. He kissed me back but then he blushed and ran away." Aang grinned, "Wow, I can't believe you got him to crack that quick. You're good at this!" She playfully slapped him before speaking, "Shut up, Aang. Anyway, what's the plan now?" Aang smiled and stated, "Hmmmm, I think your part is done. You can kiss Zuko if you want, "he wiggled his eyebrows before becoming serious again, "I'll have to tell Katara so she can tell Zuko. Thank you again, Suki! You're the best." She nodded with a smile, "I should be thanking you, he's super cute. Just don't say I never did anything for you!" Aang beamed widely before briskly walking away to find Katara.

On his walk through the Palace hallway, a brooding Fire Lord stopped him in his tracks. Aang jumped by the sudden appearance of the last person he wanted to see, but tried to brush it off. "Oh, hey Zuko, sorry I was kind of on a mission to the bathroom. One track mind, you know?" Zuko's eyes narrowed at being able to startle his friend who has impeccable seismic sense, but pushed the thought away. The firebender frowned, "Gotcha. Hey, look, can I talk to you for a second?" Aang wanted to fly away far from this awkward conversation but sighed, knowing that he had to appear innocent for just a couple more days. "Sure, Zuko, I guess nature can wait. What's up?"

Zuko pulled Aang by the arm into a large office and closed the door. The Fire Lord was pacing frantically back and forth, shaking his head before stopping in front of Aang. "So...you know how I used to like Suki years ago?" Aang nodded with a raised eyebrow, "Yeah, I do." Zuko exhaled forcefully, "Well, she asked me if I still liked her and I froze. I FROZE, Aang! What does that say about me? Shouldn't I have said "no"immediately? I'm going to be married in less than two months. Why didn't I say 'no'?"

Aang placed a hand on Zuko's shoulders to try to calm him down, "That's a good question I don't have the answer for. Do you still like Suki?" Zuko frowned as he sighed, "If I'm completely honest...I think I still do. Seeing her here again, it was like a switch was turned on inside of me. All of these old feelings came up. I haven't felt that desire, that need to touch someone, since Mai." Aang raised an eyebrow at this admission, "Wait, so you don't feel this way about Katara?" Zuko shook his head, "I guess not. I thought I did, she is attractive, but when I saw Suki..and when we kissed..I'm confused now."

Aang raised his eyebrows to act surprised, "KISSED?!" The Fire Lord nodded sadly, "Yeah, I know, it was so messed up! But I think it's making me realize that I don't have that with Katara. I want to, because she's great, but we kind of feel more like friends. I haven't stopped thinking about Suki since she got here, is that bad?" The irony that he and his friend were in the same predicament was not lost on him in this moment. He tried to speak sincerely without any smugness, "I think you were caught off guard and made a mistake. It sounds like you didn't even know you had these feelings until today, which isn't anyone's fault. But you should really tell Katara. You can't choose who you love."

Zuko left his talk with Aang to contemplate the altercation with Suki alone in his office. He decided to search his mind for the start of his relationship with Katara. He always saw her as Sokka's sister and secretly wished his sister Azula was more like her. Those times with Katara made him long for a sibling who was caring and fun. He did think she was beautiful but never looked at her in any romantic way until one night at the Palace. This was three months after the end of the war and Katara had just moved into her own room down the hall from his bedroom. Since moving in, the two of them had chats often late into the night. Zuko was grateful to have someone else to talk to that wasn't afraid of him as his Palace was only filled with servants.

One very hot night, Zuko and Katara decided to stay outside near the pond later than usual in an attempt to cool off. They traded off swigs of wine from a jug as they reminisced about Iroh and his booming tea shop in Ba Sing Se. After the laughter died down, a pregnant pause lingered between the friends. Zuko met Katara's eyes for more than a few seconds. He felt close to her in this moment, searching her eyes for hope and security. Maybe it was the wine lowering his inhibitions but at that moment, he didn't have a second to consider the repercussions. Next thing he knew, he leaned in to kiss her on the lips. She didn't immediately return the kiss, prompting him to apologize and awkwardly run inside to his bedroom.

Zuko cringed as he thought about Katara knocking on his door the next morning for an awkward but much needed conversation. She had told him that she was shocked by the kiss but was open to dating to see where it led. Zuko felt a pang of sorrow remembering this moment. She never openly said she liked him, just that they could "try". He became even more despondent thinking back to his reaction to her suggestion. Zuko felt strangely calm. He didn't get butterflies in his stomach nor did he feel flushed or excited. His reaction to dating her was like if someone told him that water was wet.

Presently, Zuko laid down on his bed and sighed as he rested his head on his pillow. He was sure now that he liked Katara, even loved her, but was not in love with her. Another strange question inched its way into his thoughts. "Is she even in love with me?" he asked himself. Pondering for several minutes, he couldn't think of a time where she was demonstrative with him. For a person that was very passionate, she was demure around him unless they were fighting. He winced at remembering all of their fight, it never felt like anyone won. They were both unyielding. He had denied her every time she asked him to go travel or out to a festival. "I'm the Fire Lord, I can't just go out whenever I want," he found himself saying to her often. He slowly realized that Katara had asked to spend time alone with him less and less over the years. He wondered if she was even happy.

Zuko turned his head to the window as he sat up in bed. The sun would be setting soon. He couldn't believe that he had been thinking about this for hours. From his time alone with his thoughts, his future was certain. He was in love with Suki, he was sure of it now. But the present was more complicated for the firebender. While he was confident that he was not in love with Katara, he could not definitively say if she was in love with him. His stomach turned at the thought of breaking off their engagement. "What if she really is happy and I'm just not seeing it?" he asked himself. He felt guilt at the idea of breaking her heart, of adding another trauma to her list. He was hesitant to tell her after all that she has gone through in her life. "What should I do?" he wondered.

Zuko's stomach growled loudly, making him laugh. He smiled and decided he would eat dinner, finish up birthday plans, and tell Katara in the morning after he slept on it. He knew this was a big decision and it had to be done right to minimize all hurt feelings. Uneasiness subsided as he stood up from the bed and headed to the dining hall. On his walk, he felt anxiety creeping in. Worry consumed him knowing that Katara could corner him at any moment. He caught sight of Aang's door open ajar, giving Zuko a great idea. "Maybe I can have my dinner brought to Aang's room and hide for a bit," he thought.

Zuko feigned a courtesy knock as the door was already open. He assumed that knocking was not really necessary. "Hey, Aang, I-" His heart dropped as he looked upon the scene before him. Katara was laid down on the bed with her dress bunched up around her waist. Aang was laying on top of her, kissing her while his hands groped at her body. Zuko was shocked at first, but now he was angry. Red in the face and clenched fists raised to his chest as he yelled, "What the fuck is happening in here?!"

Katara shrieked as she pushed Aang off of her roughly, "Zuko!" Aang stumbled to regain his footing before sighing sadly, "Zuko, calm down, okay? I can explain-" The Fire Lord was even more angry now, cutting Aang off, "EXPLAIN? Explain you stabbing me in the back? I can't believe you! Both of you!" Katara jumped up and stood between the two men. "Zuko, can we please talk about this calmly?" she asked with nervousness in her eyes. Zuko continued his defensive stance as he bellowed, "No! Aang, I challenge you to an Agni Kai!" Red flames ignited from his palms.