Piano Keys | Kim Taehyung | ✓

‖ Saudade ‖

●●●●●

Saudade: It is longing for an absent loved one and often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never be had again. It is the recollection of feelings, experiences, etc. that once brought excitement and happiness, but now trigger the senses and are bittersweet.

The memories that they have together are the memories of a bittersweet first love, memories which will in time be easier to reminisce about but for now are still painful.

●●●●●

PRESENT DAY, SEOUL

I still have her letter kept on my bedside table, which is constantly tempting me to open it.

After a brief trip down the memory lane of all our time together, something which I hadn't done in years for I was too scared of the painful ache in my heart that would follow, I have yet to open her letter which she has addressed to me and sent along her wedding invitation.

Honestly, I am scared- scared that after not even calling me once in years, she has suddenly sent me a bloody wedding invite. I'm scared of what it will do to my heart-which has only ever loved her in my twenty-something years of existence.

After she moved away, we promised to keep in touch but we still drifted apart at some point due to both of us following our respective dreams.
The duration of our phone calls gradually lessened as days bled into months and years.

I got busy with being a trainee (yes, I decided to become an idol) and she was busy with her music school and by the time I permanently moved to Seoul before my debut, we had lost touch.

The last I had heard from her was when she texted and congratulated me for graduating from high school-I think she changed her number and so did I and thus we I couldn't contact each other after that.

In the beginning, I used to toss and turn at the thought that maybe she had forgotten me even though I knew that she wasn't like that.
Those years were the worse. But then the intense pain that once didn't seem to leave it's vise-like grip on my heart somehow gradually morphed into a dull ache.

But it hasn't vanished completely-It's still very much there, even after all this time, even though I was the one who told her to go and follow her dream.

And I'm really terrified that once I open that letter with her familiar handwriting, the dull ache will once again become like the old one- pure agony and torture.

But maybe I am a masochist, because the curiosity trumps over the fear at some point and I finally muster up the courage to open up the letter and start to read it.

The familiar messy scrawl that greets me makes me squint my eyes to read the words, and I feel a small smile grace my lips at that.
We did learn reading and writing together after all and I am reminded of old times-when she used to pout with envy and whine saying that my handwriting was so much better than hers.

"So unfair! All our teachers praise you because of your handwriting but I'm more intelligent! Why does how we write matter anyways?! Ugh, this so unfair TaeTae!"

I can hear her voice sometimes in my head when those memories suddenly float in my mind, unbidden.
No, I am not crazy; it's just that I miss her. I have been missing her so much since she left-So much that a part of me is desperate to read that letter she has sent me, despite knowing the heartache it will cause afterwards.

So I read it.

Dear Taehyungie,

I know that probably a thousand questions are swirling in your mind; seeing that I haven't been in touch for so long and then I suddenly send you a wedding invitation out of the blue.

I want to first say that I am sorry. I am sorry for a lot of things but mainly I am sorry for not contacting you sooner. I knew that you'd be busy, if you want me to tell you the excuse I've been using but honestly, I was a bit scared deep down. Scared because until high school we were inseparable and then I moved and we grew apart and that you must've moved on too like I did but even if you did, I don't think I have the right to hold it against you. Anyways, I'm sorry for not getting in touch sooner.

By the way, how's idol life treating you? I'm a fan of your group you know? Yes, I know you might be wondering why, since I don't really like kpop but well, the years have changed me I guess as I'm sure they did change you too. Then again, maybe its because you are a part of the group, maybe that's why I love your songs.

Now, to get to the more painful part of the letter-

I really want you to come to my wedding Tae, I really do. I miss you so so much you know? I miss that boxy smile of yours, I miss those days we spent together. And I know that you'll be uncomfortable and it's really selfish for me to ask this, but I want to see you when I walk down the aisle-Remember we talked about it? Well, it hasn't turned out exactly like we wanted but I still want to see you when I get married.

You remember our talk about soulmates that day? I really do believe that, even now. Sometimes we don't end up together with our soul's other halves in that sense though. But that's okay, you know why? Because the memories that we once shared, because the fact that we even managed to meet the other half in this one lifetime is enough.

So I hope you'll come and congratulate me TaeTae. I hope that you won't hurt anymore and move on, just like I have. I hope that I will see you once again before taking this big step of my life, because you've always been beside me whenever I've crossed a milestone in my life until I moved away.

Be well, and honestly, I'll understand if you decide to not show up but (and you know that I can normally be a grudge-holder don't you?) do try to take out some time from that hectic idol life of yours and come, even for a few minutes, ok Mr. Worldwide Famous Idol?

Love,

Your biggest fan & your best friend who knows your darkest secrets [just be warned, if you don't show up, I'll be inclined to spill-KIDDING ;) ]

~Iseul.

The last line makes me chuckle loudly without that familiar suffocating feeling in my heart, something I haven't been able to since a very long time.

●●●●●