Kiss Me Goodnight (L.S.)

Twenty-Two

I never thought I'd miss the snow.

In every store surrounding the city, wreaths are hung and lights are sparkling in a wide array of colors. Each restaurant seems to be playing the same 10 Christmas songs for the winter holiday, but the warm weather and sunburns make it still seem like summer. At my old house, we'd be waking to find a fresh layer of snow blanketing the ground, hoping for a white Christmas. Instead, I'm climbing into my boyfriend's car in shorts and a t-shirt. I can't help but laugh as I notice his coat over his sweatshirt, but I don't dare bring it up.

Last week was the first of the supposed "really cold" days, meaning the high temperature dropped lower than 75°. Louis dressed almost as warm as he is today, but when I told him this weather isn't even cold, he went on a long rant about how my body isn't accustomed to the luxury of his blessed California weather. I almost reminded him that he's not even from here originally, but Louis shot me a quick glare that told me maybe I should avoid it. The ending line, "When you've lived here for over a year you can give me shit about the weather," plays back to me now, so I simply smile and shake my head, earning an eye roll from the driver's seat.

At lunch, Louis and I get to our usual table in the cafeteria before the guys, but one by one, they all meet us there. As Zayn and Alex take their seats, I watch as both Jake and Liam enter the room with their girlfriends. their faces catch my focus as they each say goodbye and head off in separate directions. I can't help the sting in my heart as I watch them go. Does it hurt them to never get to spend time with their boyfriend's friends? How did they take the news that they aren't allowed to hang out with the group? Furthermore, how did each of the guys tell them?

I'm happier than I've ever been with Louis, but I can't help the fear of what will happen when everyone finds out. Louis has been so understanding about keeping us quiet but the weight of the secret seems to be catching up to us.

My thoughts are interrupted by Louis' hand making its way onto my thigh. Immediately I glance at the group, checking to make sure no one can see. I relax under his touch, seeing the guys all lost in conversations of their own.

"Are you alright?" Louis whispers, squeezing my leg to bring my attention back to him. I simply nod and give my best 'I'm fine' smile.

This has become a pattern: something reminding me that the guys don't know about my relationship with Louis; I get lost in thought, worrying that once I come out of the closet I'll no longer be welcome; Louis notices, and I lie to him. Over and over.

I hate that I'm lying to my boyfriend but I can't bring myself to tell him anything yet. Constantly I see relationships go through troubles because one of the partners has an issue with the friends. Subconsciously, I shake my head at the thought. I don't have any problems with Louis' friends. In fact, I like them a lot, and that is more of the problem. I'm scared of losing the only group of friends I have because I just so happened to fall for one of them.

Giving another, more believable smile to Louis, I try to distract myself. Doing my best to focus on the conversation taking place between the other three at the table, I notice them passing around a bright orange paper; a flyer of some sort. Asking what it is now would only give away that I wasn't paying attention before and I don't need the questions that might bring, so I simply stay quiet and hope their conversation will put it together for me.

"Do you think Kyle Hollands will do his skateboard tricks again?" Zayn asks, and everyone laughs, chiming in that they'd love to see the act again.

"It was better than your dance Freshman year," Liam shoots back, and again there is a chorus of laughter across the group. Zayn is definitely the most clumsy out of all of us, his athleticness aside, so even I let out a giggle at the idea of him performing a dance number of any kind.