14-14

August 14th

It bothers me, truly, that I still waste my thoughts on you. After all the time of mine you wasted, you're gone now and you still manage to pry into my headspace. After all your fighting, effort to make your way into my life, I should've stood my ground. But I caved, regrettably, and now, here I am. "You are the reason I stay alive" words we both spoke, but in the end it was clear which one of us actually meant it. Spending every day struggling, trying to fix myself so I could support you. But I now wonder if any of that ever mattered to you. I often wonder if I was just a way to pass time, never a real person to you. That's seemingly the conclusion that makes the most sense. While you used me for entertainment, you waisted days, months of my life. So many nights I stayed up till I could barely think, because you told me to wait for you. And did you ever show? Hardly. I missed out on family events, I blew my friends off. All so you could leave me hanging. They didn't deserve that. But truly my world revolved around you, and it's my fault for ever placing you at the center of my life. For taking your problems and making them my own. Out of all the Horrible people I've come across in this world, never did I expect you to be the one to show me how truly naive I really was. And now apathy is more relevant in my life than love is. Trusting you was for sure, one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. Because now I don't want to trust anyone, it's likely everyones words are as hollow as yours were. I truly hate who I am because of you, in fact, even at my most insecure moments, I have never had a greater distain for who and what I am, than when you took all I had, and left. You walked away out of boredom, and you took the kid that just loved people unconditionally, the kid that would've down anything for anyone, no matter the differences. Now I hate public, I hate speaking to strangers, I don't want to see relatives. And I hardly wish to see my friends. All because you couldn't just, be alone. All because you couldn't just let me be alone. On the day I was already mouring the loss of the black and the white. You walked away and took everything I loved about myself with you. And I've spent every day since then, trying to forget you ever existed, that I ever knew your name, that I ever cared. Because truthfully I had so much love for you that it's been so hard to not care if your alive, because for so long that's all I did, all I cared for was your well being. There's very little I wouldn't have done, just to make you happy. But that was my mistake. So here I am, current day, still avoiding how I've felt. Because I'd rather forget you than admit I ever devoted so much of my time to a ploy. But oh well. I just wish, so damn badly that you would leave for good. Leave the small parts of my life, stop saying hi every now and then, stop adding me back when I unfriend you. Go waste your time somewhere else, don't waste my time trying to waste yours. Stop plaguing my mind, for the love of all that is Holy I cannot stand the thought of you anymore. So please leave and leave for good, I never want to acknowledge you again, I just wanna be the happy naive kid I was before you came and ruined everything. Stop wasting my time, stop invading my thoughts, please I cannot take it anymore. Why can't you just leave the same way you left all that time ago. Why Can't I just be like I was, all that time ago. Why can't I love people like I used too. Why can't I just trust my friends, why do I hate socializing, why is this killing me inside. Why can't I grow from this and just be happy. Why did you have to ruin everything for me. Please never return to my thoughts again.