Dandelions

Through my blurry eyes

"O-Odas" I say between sniffles. "Why wasn't I there when you really needed me"
I tilt my head downwards to see sand covering up my now dead boyfriend. How do people deal with this, what do I do now crisscrossed my head as I let hot tears fall down my already stained cheeks. I let all the build-up of sadness just stream down my face. Through my blurry eyes, I can see my tears falling on the sand below me.

There was no colour that time. It was like I was in an 80's film tape. It felt lifeless.

For a long time, all I felt was just tears and tears falling. They kept on coming I didn't know when to stop. At some point I lay my head down directly onto his head well now his skull and just lay there absorbing the remaining warmth that his beautiful presence brought out. I don't know how long I stayed in that position for, but my eyes just closed for a long time. Maybe I could be like Odas one day, I thought. Eyes closed and never opening. I could be with him again. It may be peaceful.

Minutes passed or I don't know maybe hours. I felt a light tap on my shoulder and when I looked behind its Atsushi. His disheveled bangs nearly covering his round eyes. His mouth making a little sad face as he mutters out some words to me.

"Dazai-san, uhm... It's time to go, uh, do you want to stay here for a while or do you want to leave now?" He stuttered in a low voice.

I took a deep breath before responding "How long was I here for?"

"An hour... I'm sorry, I know it's hard for you but you'll get through it hopef-"

"Let's go" I interrupted him. While looking down, I abruptly stood up as if nothing had happened. Steadily, I made some unsure steps and made my way to the van that awaited me. Everybody inside looked rather sad; Yosano, Kyouka, Tanizaki, Kunikida. Kenji and Ranpo were asleep at the back. I quietly seated in the middle and after Atsushi made his seat next to me, he closed the van door and we started moving.

As I looked outside the window I dreaded the feeling of colour already. The blue sky was just grey in my eyes. The bright colours of people's clothes were just different shades of grey. I knew this was going to happen. My eyes shifted from store to store as the van moved wondering what colours they were before this had happened.

The lingering feeling of happiness was still there, but it was only disappearing. Disappearing as quick as the colours in everybody and everything around me. The life was being drained out of me slowly and all I could wonder was how long it'd take to stop.

--
A week later I got back to work. Wow it's already been a week since then. It felt like non stop torture to me. I didn't know when night was and when it was day. The hours just swept by me and everything moved with me like a storm of waves. I spent most of the days sleeping or crying but now it was finally time to get back to the office.

It was pin-drop silence as I turned the knob of the office. I looked down while walking but I could sense everybody's eyes on me. Quickly I made my seat and opened the laptop to put on some music. I put the headphones, which were on the table, on my head and quietly minded my business as work carried on at the Armed Detective Agency.

On breaks I'd mostly go to the bathroom or the closet down at the café and stay there. Usually I'd take my blade out and cut either my legs or neck. My long arms were already bruised and bandaged so I couldn't really do it there. However, my collar covered my neck and the long coat and pants I wore covered my legs. It should be fine I guess, I've been doing this for so long anyways so it's nothing ne-

"Dazai-san please stop" a really soft and familiar voice said to me from the other side of the closet I was sitting inside of.

"You can talk to us you know, you don't have to deal with it alone" K-Kyouka... eh what was it again? Chan?

"None of us are new to you doing these kind of things but it's gotten severely worse and I kindly ask you to stop. I really don't want you to be hurting Dazai-san please... Please come out" Her voice got louder as she finished her sentence.

The pain etched me but I wiped the blood off my neck using tissues and tossed them onto the pile of blood-stained tissues, papers and pieces of cloth stacked at the corner of the closet. I straightened my collar and my weak fingers found way to open the closet door. It was heavy at first, was Kyouka-Chan sitting on the other side the whole time?  But it got easier to open as I could see the all so familiar dress of hers stand upright as the short girl in front of me stood up.

Her arm stretched towards me asking me to give me my hand and stand up. I really didn't want to get her tender hands bloodified though...

"Four months ago I killed 35 people so your blood on my hand is the least of my problems" As usual, her voice was very direct and sharp. I couldn't really deny after she said that. 

I extended my arms and my blood stained fingers gripped on hers. For a girl whose usually strong, she gently, but in a way firmly, pulled my weak body up. As I looked up, I saw everybody there. Atsushi and everybody sitting on the chairs behind Kyouka with concerned looks on their faces.

"I'm sorry" was all I could make out in words. There was so much I wanted to say but I couldn't find the right words to put them in. I kneeled down to meet Kyouka at eye level and gave her a hug. I slowly sank into her embrace as I led out more sorrows out of my mouth. I'm sorry everybody.

Kyouka kneeled down with me and both our knees were on the floor now. Head resting on each others shoulders and arms wrapped tightly around each other while the others joined in. It was a big huddle now. It felt nice. I see black and white, but at this moment, I feel colourful. This felt warm I thought. It feels like a heavy weight has been lifted from my heart. 

Sure nothing felt the same without Oda next to me, but having them is the next best thing. I wish I could tell them thank you. But slowly, I started forgetting their names...

--