The Sin and The Sun

Part 10: Big Black Dog

***Author's photo. Also after this part, I will be using the next space for any readers that have questions. If you have anything you'd like to ask the characters or anything for the author. Leave them in the comments. If you're confused about how to utilize this opportunity to communicate with the characters leave a comment here and I'll explain.

After all the drunken chaos had finally calmed down, my friends and I were back at our table talking shit once again. All fell silent for a minute until Lexi spoke up, "It hurts you guys. Sometimes it hurts so much I swear I could die then and there..." we stood quiet, we all knew what she was talking about. A while back when we first started our study groups we confessed to each other why we bothered to even take Psych 101 since it wasn't a required general class.

***Flashback

Lexi: I wanted to understand trauma, the effects of it, how long it could last. Maybe ways to fix it, or if it ever truly goes away. My mom left when I was young and my father disappeared as soon as he found out my mom was pregnant with me. I lived with my aunt for a while until she gave up on me too and I ended up in the foster system.

Alex: My parents are both addicts, or they were. They both overdosed and passed some time ago now. My sister and I have been with my grandma since then but my sister also found her way down that same hole. A couple years ago I finally landed a good job and moved out. Not too long after that my grandma passed and I moved my sister into my place. It's weird, she's older than me, but it's always been me taking care of her and never the other way around. I love her, but she's killing both of us.

Sarah: My sister committed suicide about 4 years ago and last year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I mean, it's hard to cope and heal from everything when you grow up in a culture that denies mental health illnesses. My sister was the star of our family, she got accepted into a prestigious university and would be the first of us to go to college. I believe the pressure got to her, the pressure to carry this family on her back, the pressure to never fail and always do what our parents wanted. When she died, they blamed her, and to this day they refuse to talk about it.

Jose: My mom passed when she had me. My father blamed me. Abused me since I was old enough to walk. He still can't look me in the eye. My grandfather urges me to forgive him and to understand his pain, but hell... I'm fucking 26, how much longer do I have to take the beating.

I was the last one to say anything of course and I hardly said anything at all...

Savin: I have too many reasons really. No use in listing each and every single one. I was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder. I drink. I hurt myself. This is how I cope. Let's just leave it at that.

No one bothered to fight me about my coping mechanisms after that. Though they did have a lot of questions. I've never tried to hide my scars and I've never sugar-coated my life experience except for my siblings. The older I get though, the more I think sheltering them from reality wasn't such a good idea. I think if I were to have lived my life so far without them, I wouldn't have actually made it this far.

I realized a few minutes later that Lexi was crying, our waiter came by and I asked for the check. I looked up at everyone, no one knowing what to say, I took a deep breath and said, "This is our reality guys. What matters is how we deal with it and how we come out of it. If we make it we make it. If we don't... we tried." I knew what Lexi was talking about, I knew what was hurting her. When you live through the pain we were constantly dealing with, it becomes unbearable at times. Always feeling alone through it all, stifling every bit of it just to get through the day, acting like you're tough shit when your insides feel like they're deteriorating. Some days you just can't uphold the facade, some days I can't uphold the facade, and on these days I fear myself the most.

My group slowly left one by one until there was only me, I thought about how hardly anyone could bring themselves to look me in the eye when saying goodbye. This worried me, we were all susceptible to our thoughts, one bad thought could lead to a downward spiral. Downward spirals can easily lead to death and death was the one thing we were all so desperately trying to avoid. I stared at the front door of the bar until Jun came and sat in front of me, "Hey... everything okay? You all didn't seem to end tonight in a joyful mood like you usually do." Before saying anything, I just smiled at him, this moment of peace with him was making me grateful that I have been alive for this long. I laughed and asked how much longer he had until his shift was over, "Well it's already 1:30, last call was a while ago, I don't know if you noticed but we're closing up already." I was so shocked I hadn't noticed the time pass at all, "Holy shit, how long ago did my friends leave?!" I asked him. "Haha, they left almost 2 hours ago darling. You've been staring at the door and sipping on the same whiskey neat since. Which I'm sure isn't even whiskey anymore," he was still laughing at me. Did he just call me darling? I tilt my head to the side, I wanted to say something stupid but before I could Jun put a hand to my cheek and kissed me on the forehead... again.

He left me to go and get his things and then we walked out to head to my car. It was cold out, September was ending and Winter was making its way through. I had my hands in my pockets, staring at my feet, still in deep thought. "I could have died Jun. There were so many times I should have. This big black dog has been following me around for years. It always pulls on me until I reach the edge. Nudges at my feet as if it wants me to jump. But it never pushes me off, he just sits there, barking until I lose my mind." I was plainly talking nonsense at this point, and he listened.