Rumors

Good and Bad

Once again, Makoto silently berated himself. He was utterly stupid to judge Nagito just because of the warnings from a girl, that at the time, he barely knew, and rumors that were his own fault. He should have acted kinder towards him. He should have stopped his temper from getting in the way. He never was truly mad at Nagito, he was only mad at himself, taking his anger out on the first person he saw. This excuse just made him angrier at himself.

I'm a bad person.

All he wanted was to be a good person, but it was slowly become evident to him that that was impossible.

He should be happy. He tried to make things better, there was no reason to be so pessimistic now, but it was far too late. Makoto's thoughts of hatred just stemmed more hatred, leading to even more hatred. It was an endless cycle of hate. 

Of course, he had to hide this thought process. People admired him because of his optimism. He could never make it seem like false hope has been instilled in him. Too many people relied on him at this point, leaving the only option for Makoto to push any bad thoughts away, not delving into them as much as he should. He needed a quick solution, not a good solution.

These inescapable thoughts made Makoto feel woozy. 

Nagito's thoughts were quite different from the younger's. His thought process made him felt odd. He hadn't thought like this in ages.

For the first time in who knows how long, Nagito felt his head wasn't suffocatingly full. He took his thoughts one at a time instead of letting them attack him at all angles. Of course, Nagito still had a few too many seemingly attacking thoughts, but he was also greeted by the uncommon good thought.

He craved more of this feeling, and was hopeful it would continue. 

The most throbbing thing on his mind was thoughts of when he was being held lovingly by Makoto.

Lovingly probably isn't the word for it. Gently? Nicely?

No matter the descriptive word for the action, Nagito knew he wanted more of it. He felt awfully greedy thinking this, but he just couldn't help it. He was used to getting so little physical affection that it has become a weakness, of sorts.

The feeling of his fingers in my hair was so calming...

The sound of his heartbeat made me feel so relaxed...

His touch made me forget the world... I can't tell if that's hope or despair, but I'm eager to find out.

Though...

Knowing my luck, it's the latter...

Nagito knew he would never feel his touch like that again. He couldn't get that close to him. All getting close to Makoto would do is get him hurt. The most he would let himself do is say they were friends and only hang out with him on the agreed upon Sundays. 

He was already quite attached to the boy, which he scolded himself for. Nothing good ever came from Nagito seeking human connection. Everything always worked terribly because of his wretched luck. 

He would just have to make sure his attachment to the boy who he quickly came to adore and admire didn't grow. The growth of such good feelings can only lead to worse ones. It always happened.

It was also very likely Makoto didn't like him at all and was just using him for piano lessons.

The only reason Nagito wanted to get semi close to Makoto in the first place was to help his hope flourish. Letting his emotions get in the way of his pitiful task as a steppingstone to hope would be foolish of him.