Addictive love.

Lost in love

there is love, there is hope. but sometimes I feel like love is just a transaction. Life is a mess. life as a teenager is so difficult and then they say this is going to be the best time of my life, and I have to fully enjoy it. If this is the best time of my life you can really shoot me in my head. I've been in a relationship for almost two years now its fucking crazy to think about how long we've been together. I also can't complain with a boyfriend like Devin, although I sometimes miss the excitement. Well you cant have it all can we? on the other hand it is also the only thing that brings stability to my life. it's normal and confidential and I know we care about each other and that's the most important thing at the end of the day. right? Sometimes you have to make choices and although I struggle with that, I know you have to. I sit at the table with my family and devin. having dinner together is something we do together quite often. I'm telling everyone about a house party I'm going to tomorrow with Icy. I've always had a hard time trusting people cause honestly all these people are fucking fake. But icy I trust blindly there's nothing she doesn't know about me. Devin doesn't really ever mind if I want to go somewhere he won't be, he's not a jealous type to be honest. Sometimes I think that's a shame, It makes me feel like he doesn't really care about me. Maybe it's because we've been together for almost two years and he trusts me blindly. he has been there since the beginning and he has stayed by me through all my dark times. Im just fucked up in the head somethimes, you know.
It is the next day. Icy and Shanon are almost at my place to pick me up. Now that we are there, shanon has disappeared without a trace like how it always goes with her. I'm getting some drink with rooster with icy. There are so many people and i hardly know anyone here. I sit down while icy leaves me to hook up with some random dude. I often find myself in a world of my own where I am dispatching myself from reality. Suddenly I hear my name "marina, right?" i look up and i see this very tall boy with the most beautifull brown curls looking at me. His low voice immediately caught my attention. I got this weird feeling in my stomach. I did not know what kind of a feeling this was but what I did know is that this is not okay, not when you are in a relationship. I quickly responded by nodding my head and saying that's right with a smile on my face. He smiles at me and moves along. I havent seen this unknown guy all night. He must have been fucking around with some girls with his friends. just like all these boys, i should be happy with a respectful boy like Devin. It's late, I've let Icy and Shanon know I'm going home by the bus by my myself.. On the way to the bus i hear a car that honks. I turn around and you guessed it, it's the same guy who caught my attention earlier. he offers to give me a ride home. I didn't think clearly and got in. i thanked him for wanting to drop me off at my place. He has asked for my address and I rest my head on the seat, im so fucking tired. Now that we are on our way to my house, he asks me if i get in cars from random guys more often. To wich i aswer with a smile and say that this will be the first and the last time. I see his big arms and big hands on his handlebars. His veins have caught my attention and I have to force myself to stop looking. i'm not that kind of girl at all, i'm happy with devin. I dont even know this guys name .I just know I shouldn't look at someone like that, not when I'm in a relationship. I sit and look out the window as I ask this stranger for his name. Levano, levano is his name. He asks me how old I am and I tell him I turned seventeen in December. He is two years older, he says. He makes a joke and says it would be illegal for me to be his. I noticed throughout the whole vibe that I had to let him know that I have a boyfriend so that's what I did. he responded by telling me that he also has a girlfriend. The tension is high and the questions that have popped up are giving me a fucking headache. We are at my house and I take off my seat belt. I thank him with one hand. he takes my hand and pulls me towards him. I look up and look deep into his eyes. I get nervous what he could tell by my sweaty hand that makes him laugh. He pulled me closer and held me. I dont know why but i know i have to get out this car. the thrill, it's something I've never felt before. i get out of the car. He doesn't drive off until he sees me stepping inside. It's late so I have to be quiet. I'm in my room looking at my phone i see missed calls from devin. I realize he's my boyfriend and he's the one I love and I'd never cheat with some tall, muscular guy I just met and who i will never see again. I try to use my mind and listen less to my heart. It's the next day, a beach day with my boyfriend. It's hard to describe devin. He is sweet, he loves the sea and watching the sky and most importantly he is my best friend. i love our silliness i just dont know if the passion is there you know. I have to go back to my house cause its getting late. We cycle home together and when we arrive at my place I kiss Devin and wave him goodbye. I am lying in bed as always with hundreds of questions in my head. Sometimes it gets so busy in my head that I want to escape reality. I hate not being able to feel anything. I hate
to seem heartless at times. i just hate to feel numb sometimes. It's fucking exhausting. My phone rings and I see a friend request on insta and snapchat from levino. my heart starts to beat faster and it scares me. I don't want to get stuck in a feeling that I can't exert. I accept his request and check his page, hoping to see more of him and his girlfriend. to my surprise he has no pictures with any girl on his instagram. weird. When my class is over I quickly go to my locker and wait for Icy to finish her class. we meet at my locker at breaks. I'm confused and I hear someone say that the new boy has just turned the corner of the hall. I look at the hallway and yes I see him. I see him walking with the guys from the basketball team. in the meantime, icy is just walking up and I quickly look away in the hope that levino doesn't see me. "hey little one, you didn't tell me this is the school you go to" to which I reply with "hmm i bet you didnt know" he laughs and gives me a wink as he continues walking. Icy immediately notices the tension between us and asks about what is going on between me and this new kid. I explain to her what happened on the way home. Of course Icy likes this shit a lot. I'm in bed and my head is purring. I never thought I'd see him, ever again. the doorbell rings and my heart stops, I don't know why. It's levino. I open the door and am now outside my door and opposite him. i ask him what he is doing here at my house. he told me that i left very fast today at school. I have to tell him that i cant continue to talk to him, there is this tension that cannot be. It seems like he owns me when he looks into my eyes. It feels like you can't stop what is going on and you can't think straight. He says he feels it too and he gets closer. He grabs my face with one of his hands and tells me to look at him. The temptation is so high that I don't know what to do. He tells me to break up with my boyfriend and I ask him why. I barely know him and he wants me to let go of someone I have spent the last two years with? He kneels slightly so that he can look me straight in the eye without looking down. He says "cause I want you" I look at him and he tells me he lied about having a girlfriend. I look away, I cannot bear this tension. I tell him to go home and I turn to go in. he takes my arm and turns me around. now that my body is pressing so close to his, he kisses me. I push him away and say I can't do this. I immediately feel guilty towards Devin but I also feel jitters that I have never had before. I want him so badly and I surrender. i kiss him. he has his oh so big hand around my neck and keeps squeezing it a little harder. I am so small compared to him that he lifts me up and pushes me against the closed door of my house. he kisses me all down to my neck and my breast. with my legs tight around his waist. he just left home and I know what to do now ...