Addictive love.

Love that takes as much as it gives.

Breaking up with devin..
this was never suposed to go this way i never planned on leaving him Not in this scenario, Not ever. it was never my Intention to hurt him, but i know i destroyed him. This is gonna destroy him. I havent left my house in the past few days, i havent looked at my Phone once. I stopped eating, cereal is the only thing i can get down. It has offically been 3 days and 7 hours since ive Seen levino. The man who ruïned everything for me. How could hè put me in this position. Why does hè bring out this disgusting Person in me. I dont reconize myself. Feeling nausious from the hot shower i Just had On an empty stomach. If i faint, Hit my head and die i wont even be mad about IT at this point. Looking in the fogged mirror while Finishing my mascara, when i Hear my mom knocking " There is Someone here for you marina" i get MY long wet curly hair out of my
purple towel, and put this black lounge set on. I walk down with quiet steps, Devin is sitting on the couch. i look at him and the only thing that crosses my mind is the fact that after i say this all we had is over, forever. i confess, and he leaves. he gives my mom a goodbye hug, then turns to me and says one day he will forgive me, we all know that day is not today.

I Need time to proces this
my heartbreak is where my thoughts should be but i can't get levinio out of my head. the longing, that deep lust I feel when I think of him. all the secret thoughts of the things levinio can do to me. i cant help wanting him in everyway all the time anywhere.. my phone is ringing its this unsaved number, my heart jumps like i know who it is, him. i pick up the phone but i don't say anything i'm dead silent. I hear a deep sigh, I've heard that sound before, not an inch away from my ear. i know its him. i didnt need any words to know its him. hes asking my where ive been, i haven't been to school for a while, my thoughts are eating me up is what i tell him. hes asking me to explain to him what exact thoughts are bothering me. I am silent, whereupon he says again "answer me, what thoughts are consuming you marina". im looking around in my room trying to figure out how i can tell him this without making him feel like i crave him. crave him so badly. i tell him about the break up and he asks me what the reason for the break up was, with a lump in my throat i get myself to say "you". he asks me why i told him, in a way that scared me. in a way like he regretted what happend between us more than i knowing i lost more than him due to what i did, what we did. I tell him that ive been with him for a long time and I couldn't bare to lie to him any longer. he hangs up wtf. my heart is sinking and I feel my hands tremble even worse than they already did. i feel like crying and i dont understand why, what just happend ?
2 days later at school

Feeling all the emotions in the world that you can experience at once. I feel ashamed and nervous cause i know. I know im Gonna See him today, levino. As the classes pass by and me not seeing him anywhere , i Start to feel more relaxed and comfortable again. I Decide to Head right Home After school. Walking around the hallways trying to exit the school, not Looking around me for the First time today, but this wasnt a Good idea. Levino is standing right There, in front of me, facing me. I look up and look him in his eyes, trying to Hide all the emotions im feeling, not Even knowing what they are. I ask him "what?" In a sassy but slithly weak tone. I Hate sounding weak, Explains the Reason i never talk about anything that goes on in me. Cause i know, i know what i am. Weak. Hé looks down at me and tells me to check my phone when i get Home. Fine is what i say back. Walking Home i feel a Lott, i dont know if im relieved for the fact that he talked to me or nervous for what he is about to say when i get Home. Im Home and i Check my Phone But There are no messages from him. How was hè suppose to know if im Home anyway. I let it go. Putting the shower on, hot. I need to stop doing that when i know i havent ate yet. Getting out of the shower doing my skincare and brushing my lash extensions. Wearing shorts and a White top to get to the beach bar with My Friends to get some shots, Cause tbh i need It rn. The bar is not far from My house so i Go Ahead and take my bike. Sitting at this bar that is round shaped. My Friends are already a Little tipsy cause they arived earlier. Taking one shot After Another, Already feeling the alchol. Laughing with my friends when my phone Starts ringing. Its An unknown number.. i pick up and i hear "look up". i look and i See levino sitting at a table, leaning agains a Wall. Hé is sitting with 2 of his friends and 3 Girls. Hé has 0 expression in his face when i look at him. I feel this feeling in my stomach, and my heart sinks. How. How can this man that i dont even know, make me feel this way. I look back at my Friends trying to Play the way i wanna kill this man off. Im trying to get a look of what is happening there without making it look like that. The best i come up with is walking to the toilet. I get up and pull my short right. I walk to the toilet that happens to be right besides levino's table. I walk by and take a quick look. I See his Hand on the tigh of one of the Girls and hè is Kissing her neck.Trying to controle Myself i walk to the toilet Looking forward. My hands on the sink, Looking in the mirror. Im fighting the urge to bawl my eyes out right Now. I pull Myself together, i cant let a man make this much impact on me. Fuck him and fuck this. I walk back to my table and i sit. Lets Play a Game i yell out. My Friends are getting excited. Truth or dare i say. I take a sneaky look at him and i See that he is Looking back at me. If he wants to Play this game we can, believe me we can. Truth or dare i say to my friend kay, who is the biggest out of all of the male Friends who are Here. Truth hè says. "If u had the Chance would u Kiss me right here right now?" everyone in the group is getting loud out of exitement and shockness. Looking kay in his eyes when hè tells me "who wouldnt" smiling when the group is hyping this up. Taking a look at levino en seeing hè is Looking back. Hé is not busy with the girl anymore, hè is Looking at me. I can see the anger in his eyes. "Truth or dare" kay Asks me. Dare is what i say back, ofcourse.. "i dare you to come here and see what happens". I get up, stand in front of him when hè grabs My face and kisses me fully. I dont pull back and Taste his lips while my hand is on his chest. Everybody is screaming, i know they have never Seen this side of me, neither have i..
were all laughing when suddenly u Hear this loud bang. Levinio is walking outside After slamming his hands on the table. I See icy Looking at me and she puts 2 and 2 together. I sat back and looked at her. After an Hour from then i decide to go Home. I dont know how i feel About this. This was only fair. Right? Walking in my street when i See this car infront of my house. I reconize the truck when i See him standing infront of it, levino. I try to walk Towards the door when hè Grabs my arm like hè did in the car hè is now standing in front of. "What?" Is what i ask him, mad. Hè looks at me with all this hatered in his eyes "why tf would u do that" hè goes and proceeds to tell me that i behaved like a slut. "Youre telling ME Im a slut, youre a fucking slut, standing Here yelling at me when you basically told me you didnt give a fuck about me. Go to that Girl who's neck you was sucking on 3 Hours ago." Im Looking at him while my lips and my hand are shaking. Hé noticed and lowerd his town. Hé is seeing how much that small thing hé did effected me. I feel light in my head and the last thing i want is him to notice my watery eyes. I pull my arm out of his grib, tell him none of this matters anymore and walk to the door. When all of the sudden i feel like im about to Fall down, i See nothing. I See black and i Fall down. Holding the ground with my hands. Hé picks me up and puts me in his lab while hè is shaking me and asking me if im okay. I hear his Voice shaking. His low Voice. Hé Grabs my face and looks at me squeezing my cheeks. I Open my eyes and see him. Tell me   Why i See this man with hearts around his head. Feeling nousious from all the shots hè Made me take. I tell him to take me inside to my bed. Hé asks me if my parents arent gonna get mad and i tell him they arent Home. He takes me inside and tries to make me drink water. Hé is feeding it to me, while i look at him. I wanna be mad cause i am But i feel like i need his help rn. I stand up to go upstairs but he picks me up and walks me up the stairs. I let this stranger inside my house like nothing is something im not thinking about in this moment. Hé Lays me down and sits on the edge of my bed. Hé is Looking at my room, being nosy af. I take a Deep breath and get up to go to my bathroom, hé is trying to help me again but i tell him im fine im not a fucking kid. I take of my shorts and my top. Im Wearing this white bra and white thong underneath. I wanna take a quick shower but i have to tell him to go First. Im opening the bathroom door a Little and Stick my head out i Thank him for helping me but now he can go, i got this. I always got this. Hé looks at me and says "get in the shower but im not going anywhere right now" why is this man testing me in my Own house. I look at him and again tell him to go, Im seriously getting mad at this man thinking he can take control over everything, take control over me. Hé takes his Phone out and is just scrolling down on whatever fuvking app but Im done with this. I walk out of the bathroom, open my bedroom door and tell him to get the fuck out now. Hé slowly looks up at me but he isnt Looking me in my eyes. Hé is Looking at me, everywhere but not my face. And then i realize Im not Wearing clothes, Im shocked. More than him. I swallow my saliva and tell him to look at my eyes. Hé stands up Right infront of me. Im getting nervous, and my hand starts to feel sweaty around the doorknop. I look up at him and hé looks at me in this way hè has never looked at me before. Hé tucks my hair behind my ear, looks me in my eyes and goes "shut the fuck up and go in that fucking shower". My mouth falls open, i would never let Someone speak to me like that. I look at him turn around and walk back into the bathroom. While in the shower i think about that moment when hè Saïd what he Saïd. I liked It. I Felt something, i Felt the urge, the desire to do all these things. I get out of the shower and walk in again wrapped in my towel. Hé is on his phone but his eyes are on me. "Do you feel okay? Are you dizzy?" Is what he asks me. I tell him that Im fine and take this black underwear set and this cute Little rope. I change in the bathroom and put vaseline on my lips. I walk towards him but not to close, i cant bear the tension. Im thank him, for Looking out for me. IT Made me feel, protected. Hé looks at me and i can See the Lust in his eyes. He proceeds to not stand up but instead tap on my bed suggestimg me to come sit next to him. I have no more Energy to fight this man so i do what he tells me. Hé tells me to lay down and i do that, i lay down next to him. Hé puts his hand in my hair. Why is hè doing this to me. Hes a dream but also a nightmare. An angel but also a devil. I was about to Fall asleep as he goes "im sorry Marina i was trying to distract myself." I feel this intense unknown feeling and ask "distract yourself from what?" "You" hè says, just like i Said at the phone. Hé tells me hè cant do this, hè cant have this feeling for me. Or these feelings he has never Felt this before and hes scared. Hé is scared to love cause hè only Saw pain as a result coming out of It. I Listen,thats all i do . I get up and look at him. I try to look him in his eyes but his lips are getting my attention.