Unspoken

Aligator Tears

Its been 2,5 months now and I finally decided to write your part. Im happy to mention that im not as often angry as i was before. On Monday November 9th i decided to tell one of our friends. This time i didnt discuss that with one of my friends before. I guess i just decided to tell him in the moment itself. I still dont know if it was the right thing to do but i know that it made me feel relieved, heard and believed. I told him it wasnt a secret, and he asked me if he could tell his -our- friend. They were shocked that their 'oldest' friend, was actually just a little child. They told me that i shouldve told them before. I explained that i wasnt angry at you until i got over you. I sat down with him for an hour and we really had a good conversation. I told them to be kind towards you and to not let you know that they are aware of the incident. I told them that the reason why i decided to tell them was because im having issues with the confrontation i face at school. I feel nervous around you. He told me i could sit with him in the other class whenever i wanted to. But the amount of anger i felt didnt go away. And then i had this sort of panick attack at the train station because for the first time since i've realised what happened is in fact punishable by law, i was alone with you in a crowed place. No mutual friends or teachers around to talk to. I froze for a sec when we crossed eyes and then i walked away. I stood somewhere else and all of the sudden i start crying. I walked to the bus as fast as i could and i took the seat thats faced with its back to the others. I couldnt help but to cry, I panicked. I went to the other class to find our other friends but they werent there. I didnt understand where they were and even after the class started they still didnt show up. Then Leyla came up to search for me and thats when i finally calmed down. Im sure she noticed something. I decided to tell her aswell after you left school that day. I once again told her that it wasnt a secret. So yea, everyone knows. I went to several therapists to deal with my anger and anxiety attacks, I told my parents, and you. But it's still there. I take sleep medications every Wednesday and sedative medications every Thursday.

I dont think that im still angry at what happened on September 13th. Im upset that it happened but i dont feel rage anymore. Due to the time i have to put into meetings with a therapist, i felt the need to tell one of the teachers. They offered to make sure that when i dont necessary have to be around you, they will arrange that im not. Still the idea of the amount of time you have for homework, compared to mine due to the therapist meetings, really upsets me.

I sometimes feel like a drama queen now that everyone knows. Maybe it wasn't necessary. Sometimes i wonder what you think about this situation. She's only mad because i broke up with her. It wasnt that bad at all. She's exaggerating. She's making it bigger than it actually is.

Am i only mad because you broke my heart? Did you even break my heart? Was it not that bad after all? Am i exaggerating? Do i make this thing bigger in my head than it actually is?

The thing is, it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter what you think. It doesnt matter that i overthink my reactions all the time. What matters is is that what happened bothers me on a daily basis. It spooks through my head every day. What matters is is that this is my story. My story to deal with and my story to tell. And therefore, i will not let you any way near me again. I will not smile at you because it makes you feel good. In fact, i will do everything in my power to make me feel at ease. You're never gonna get a glimpse of my life again. You're never gonna touch me again. You are never going to get a goddamn 'its okay, i forgive you' from me. I hope you'll have fun settling down while i explore the world and make tons of new connections.