Welcome to the S*** Show

December 15th 2020 7:46 PM

It's been about a month since my last entry. My state fluctuates constantly and it even confuses me. Rereading these entries is comparable to debriefing with your friends after a drunk night out. I write when I am consumed with emotion that I don't even recognize my words later. I become a completely different person when I am like that. Unrecognizable. 

I think I have momentarily come to a solution to my problems. Well-- I can hope at least. But knowing me I will be back here writing in a couple of months about another episode. 

Anyways. After rereading this journal, and seeing the overview of my mental state and opinions on my situation, I realize how to be happy. 

I am so focused on the future. It's where a majority of my stress comes from. And yes, while its vital to look ahead and plan, you have to live in the moment if you ever want to be happy. 

So I am taking one day at a time. And whatever happens to me is meant to happen. It does not mean I will give up my focus on school. I will continue to do my best, but I will no longer pointlessly pine over issues I have no control over. Problems that don't even exist yet. 

I finally feel okay with myself. I feel motivated to work out, and for me only. 

I like myself.

I have a purpose.

I am confident. 

I am intelligient

I am happy. 

I am loved.

I reflect love back onto others. 

On top of everything, I finally found another piece of the puzzle. Making someone else happy to make me happy. 

There is a kid I am talking to that I had a dream about a couple of months ago. The dream came out of nowhere and I never really thought much of the guy before it. But the dream was so vivid. And this boy-- this boy felt just as unloved as me. He felt alone. And was worried that he would never be able to love again after his past.  

Do you know what I did in that dream?

I gave him a hug. And I told him it would be okay. And that was it. 

I'm messaging him now. It is bringing light to my own errors of the past. It's pushing me to be a better person. In addition, I think I like him. And I want to help him be happy. I finally think I'm in a position where I can try to focus on helping not just myself but someone else too. 

And if it doesn't work out, well, you'll hear back from me in a couple of months I guess. 

-Rachel <3

update dec 21st i have a crush but idk if this is gonna work out yall help meeee