Useless, sometimes pretty poetry.

I Wish That Things Will Be Different Someday

When I see that face,

at times, I smile back

and when she looks happy,

I know that I can say that she is.

But when thoughts of self doubt and loathing

fill my mind like dark, suffocating clouds,

it seems to be the only thing I can see.

I don't mean to push it on anybody else.

I don't mean to take it out on others

when the only thing I can see is hatred for myself in those moments.

I'm not sure what brings these moments on,

but they have never truly gone away.

For some reason, I think that unfortunately,

they will always be somewhere in my mind.

I don't want to disappoint those that only have love for me,

but it's so hard in these moments

that it becomes so easy to consume me.

Every time, I want to look out from the tunnel

that it feels I'm stuck in,

to the light that I only have hope that there is,

but the damage has already been done to the people that I love.

I don't know why the disdain that I have for myself

still creeps upon me after all these years.

Every time, I want to get better.

I want to prove that I'm not just my faults.

But what I've been chasing all this time,

sometimes,

it seems so far away in the distance,

that maybe I was only hallucinating that it was there.

I will keep trying to claw my way through that tunnel,

to see the headlights of a better place,

in which one day, the pain and disappointment that I have caused others

will be met with forgiveness and love,

when I couldn't have given that to myself

in the time that I needed it most.

- Jasmine.