suffocation | dreamnotfound

june 18th

it was just past midnight when the ambulance had arrived to the hospital. george had cried the entire ride while the doctors interrogated him about what was going on, having no clue how to treat dream and barely even a clue on what the disease was. the only thing they could do was put him on oxygen and monitor him to make sure his airways stayed as clear as possible. besides for that, there was nothing to save him. 

once they were inside the hospital, george was exiled to the hallways. sat outside the room dream was assigned to, he could hear the doctors shout orders and the beeping heart monitors. he called dream's parents as well as sapnap and bad, telling them all that they had to come immediately. 

george leaned his head against the wall, trying to stop himself from hyperventilating. in his mind, he was fighting with himself. dream had said that he was the one who he loved and george still couldn't begin to wrap his mind around it. for years he had hid his sexuality and refused to love because he felt so different and to an extent, he felt wrong. yet, all this time dream wasn't straight either. 

and dream loved him. 

george felt like he was to blame for this all; if he had opened up, could him and dream have worked out? would george have been able to put all the thoughts his mom had rooted into him to bed? 

all these realizations were too late. george felt like the world was crumbling around him and he was losing his footing, falling into the darkness below. 

inside of the hospital room, dream was losing his battle, too.

~~

sapnap's flight to florida would leave late that night, meaning he would only arrive early tomorrow morning, and bad would arrive around the same time, but sapnap refused to let george be alone with his thoughts even for just a day. 

"sapnap, i have no clue what is going on." 

sapnap wasn't sure if dream would want him to tell george all of this, but sapnap felt that george had a right to know. "i've known about dream's hanahaki since the beginning; i wanted him to tell you about his feelings because i hoped they would spark something in you, but dream was always too strong-headed."

"too strong-headed for his own good." george hiccupped, tears forming in his eyes for the billionth time in the past few hours. 

"dream had two options; dying while loving you or a surgery that would mean he would never be able to love you again. if the surgery went really wrong, he would be left unable to love forever. obviously, you know which one he picked. he was okay with dying as long as he got to love you, george. he didn't regret anything." 

"why? why couldn't he just give up on me? he could be safe at home, laughing, successful, and he would never even think about needing me again. can't he just focus on saving himself before worrying about others?" 

"you're one to talk about saving yourself, aren't you?" sapnap questioned. it was a loaded question but his voice was soft; he meant no harm with it. 

george went silent for a long minute before he finally answered. "what do you mean by that?"

"always one to comfort dream, always focusing on making us laugh, always letting us know we could come to you. you've helped all of us; we open up to you all the time. but how many times do you tell us when something is wrong? how many times do you let yourself be vulnerable? you've never let your guard down. are you okay? do you ever put yourself before others?" 

sapnap had read george perfectly and it felt like the wind had been knocked out of george. he didn't even know how to respond, scared to open up but wanting to be fully honest for once in his goddamn life. 

"i learned to hide my feelings a long, long time ago. i've been doing it since i was a child. i'm scared of myself and even more scared of what others think of me. i used to not want friends, but then i met you guys. for a long time, i thought i was unable to love because i rejected even just the thought of a crush."

"do you still think you're unable to love?"

the question hung in the air before george's answer sliced it down. 

"i don't think so. i am scared of love and scared of its consequences, but i'm not unable to love. i think if i just listened to myself and learned to love myself..." george let his voice trail off, unsure if what else to say, before adding one more thing. "i'm gay, by the way. i thought my feelings were invalid and improper, so i pushed them away. surprise, i guess." he laughed bitterly.

sapnap smiled through his tears, thinking about how when he arrived in florida, he would give george a huge hug before he did anything else. 

"i'm happy you trust me enough to tell me; i know it must have been hard. don't feel bad about being unable to admit it sooner; feelings are hard."

"yeah, they really fucking are." george said, getting choked up on full-fledged sobs. "you said that dream didn't regret anything earlier. well, i do; i regret everything about the past few months. i wish i just told him 'i love you' back. i wish i let myself love him. now, he's too far gone and my revelation is too late but i love him. he's always been more than a friend; why else would i be so reliant on him, why else would i get butterflies when he talks to me sometimes? love hurts, nick. love took him away right when i realized how i felt, leaving one of us dead and one of us alone."

"dream is still alive, george. he might be unconscious, but maybe a confession will be enough. maybe it's not too late." 

"i don't think i have the time." george said, looking into the bustling hospital room. "but if i really love him...

it's time to come clean."