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Fandom: Creepypasta
Name: Ella
A bit bland. Maybe give her a name that wasn't used that prevalently in this era. A name that's a bit more 1960s-Esque and has that kind of "English little lady" vibe.
Gender: Female
Age: 56
I like the fact that she's on the older side. A refreshing change from your usual teenaged or young adult characters.
Looks: Grey thin papery skin, big watery green eyes, red lips, messy black hair. She is 5'4. She wears a white dress and *a golden crown.
Disguise/alive form: Ella has long auburn hair how long is "long"?, big brown eyes and wears a pink dress.
Too vague. Creepypastas are heavily reliant on their character designs so I think you need to add more detail to make it more unsettling.
What's her body build? Body shape? Facial features? Hair texture?Aura? Posture? Bone structure? What kind of dress is she wearing? Are there any kind of details on the dress? Sweetheart neckline? Spaghetti straps? Belt? A-line skirt? Ankle-length skirt? Pinafore? Any prints? What kind of crown? What metal is the crown made from? Gold? Silver?
Backstory: Ella was born in 1964 London. She was the daughter of a rich businessman. She had an older brother called Henry. Henry was the favourite child, *no comma until Ella realised she could get her way by acting. She would act like she was hurt and sometimes that Henry had hurt her. Her parents began to love Ella more and more and Henry less and less.
Ella applied this technique to everything and became a sociopath.
I don't know why but the phrase "became a sociopath" while grammatically correct sounds awkward. It sounds like it just happened. I think it would sound better if you were a bit more ominous with your language. Like maybe "metamorphosed into a cold-blooded sociopath" or "fell into a downwards spiral getting closer and closer to what people call a sociopath"
One night, Henry couldn't take it anymore. He snuck into Ella's room with a knife and stabbed her. She was taken to hospital and miraculously survived. Henry was sentenced to a lifetime in jail.
Okay, this is a bit extreme. Sounds too random for the context you've given me.
If you'd given me more information on the psychological development and dynamics of the family it would sound less jarring in the context of the backstory. Describe how Henry felt growing up. Describe how the parents would treat the two differently in detail using examples. Describe the two's prior dynamic/interactions.
Ella kept Henry's knife with the blood still on it and locked it in a wooden chest. She dropped the chest into the Thames. She was 14 when this happened, Henry was 17.
Why? I can't think of a logical reason as to why she'd do this?
Henry escaped jail when he was 25. He found a bunch of fireworks and a wooden pole. He found Ella, gagged her, dragged her out of her house by her hair, stuck the pole through her chest and blew her up with fire works *fireworks.
Ella died that day and she awoke in another body, but it was based of *made in the image of her original one. Ella found Henry and made him swallow fireworks. He died and never came back.
How did she come to wake up in a whole other body? Whose body was this?
Ella now disguises herself as a sweet little girl and kills anybody she wants. Why? What's her motivation for murder? She is fascinated by Jeff the Killer, Ticci Toby, etc, but she has never seen them, only heard of them in the news. Ella also doesn't like them because they have more attention than her.
She wants to revive the legend of Ella, *no comma because now she's just a myth. You never mentioned she became a legend in the first place. The story was also changed so she died when she was 11. Ella hates this, she wants to remembered *remember as terrifying as she was.
This entire backstory lacks detail/context. You left out wayyy too much crucial information. Backstory is important because it gives us an insight into how they came to be the person they are today. This backstory only includes information on a singular aspect. You need to explain other elements of her growing up. Social/school life, psychological development (in detail), socio-economic situation, philosophies taught and ESPECIALLY her relation with her brother (and just her brother in general).
You only mentioned that he ended up being treated badly by their parents because of her. If he went so far as to murder her it's obvious we'd need to know how he'd become that way. How'd he treat her specifically? How'd she treat him? What were the differences in their behaviour around their parents and in private? Did Henry have any support systems? Did Henry ever attempt to change anything? How was his social life?
Special abilities: She kills people by blowing them up.
Blowing them up how? Supernaturally willing people to internally combust? Planting explosives on them?
Total:
1.5/10
This is one of the shortest forms I've received. Ella is in dire need of further development. I get that creepypasta OCs don't need to be as detailed as normal OCs since they tend to need an element of mystique but this is overkill.
Ella has barely any information. Such little that I can barely remember anything about her. She's beyond forgettable and is very boring. For creepypasta OCs I have a different set of rules for judging them since their objective is usually to invoke fear. So, I usually let them be less detailed in their bios but not to the point where they don't even have a personality. Just because they're an undead killer doesn't mean they can't have a personality. Spend wayyy more time writing more things. For starters, you can write about her personality, likes/dislikes, stats, and weaknesses. You also barely even mentioned any characterization of when she was alive so that also needs to be fixed.
There are other problems like complexity, memorability, likability, technical writing etc. However, the main problem of minimal detail overshadows these problems so much that I'm hesitant to suggest anything other than amount of detail.
