Living with the Player

Chapter 37

When I wake up, there are tears in my eyes.

Every once in a while, I'll have dreams that feel so realistic that I confuse them with reality.

For example, in 7th grade when I liked Ben Sparks, I had multiple dreams that we went to see the fireworks together. When I woke up, I was convinced he was my soulmate and wished the dream was real. I never talked to him again and he moved away the next year. That's when I stopped putting so much emphasis on dreams.

But this dream is so painfully different. In this dream, my mother takes me to get my favorite ice cream and we eat it together. As much as I want it to be real, I know it's not.

I try in vain to fall back asleep but I can't. The dream is long gone and the image of my mom is fading away too.

So I get up. It's Saturday so luckily I don't have school but I do have plans.

Nico picks up on the first ring. "Hello?"

"Hey, I don't think I can make breakfast today."

"Why not?" he asks.

"I... I want to visit my mom's grave. Can we do lunch instead?" I ask.

"Sure," he answers. "Uh, do you want me to go with you? I don't have to actually go to the grave, just drive you there and back."

I pause. "Yeah," I answer finally. "I'd like that."

"Great. Well, I don't actually have a car so..."

I laugh. "I'll pick you up at 10."

"Drive safe."

When I arrive at Nico's house at exactly 10:00, he's freshly showered and his hair looks extra soft. A crinkly smile forms on his face when he sees me and he offers to drive my car. I'm slightly terrified when he resolves to drive with only his left hand and rest his right on my thigh but I don't want him to move it so I don't protest.

"How's everything been?" I ask as if I didn't see him yesterday. I haven't asked about his dad in a while, though.

"Alright," he says. "I should probably get a job soon. Save up for when I move out. Bert's is hiring but those uniforms are ugly as hell."

Bert's is a local diner with a sailor theme. Imagining Nico in the loud, striped shirts and captain hat makes me laugh.

"I think it would look great on you," I say.

He gives me a look. "Is this your way of telling me you have a sailor fetish?" I punch his arm. "I mean, if that's what you're into, I'll play the captain and you'll be the naughty iceberg my ship is about to ram into."

I glare at him. "You are so perverted."

He smiles. "You have no idea."

---

Thankfully, talk of all fetishes is all gone once he pulls into the graveyard parking lot.

"I'll wait here," he says reassuringly, giving my hand a squeeze. I'm about to exit when I stop.

"Do you want to come?" I ask carefully.

"Is that okay?" he asks and I nod.

"I want you to meet her."

We arrive at her grave and sit together. It's Korean custom to bring an alcohol bottle but I can't buy any so I just sit and imagine one. The wind tickles the back of my neck gently. For a place that harbors so much sadness, it's very peaceful.

"I had a dream about her last night," I say. "And I just had to come."

"Thanks for letting me come with you," he says. I nod in response. He has to understand how much this means. How much I've given him.

We sit in silence, just staring. Seol Hee Cho. 1979-2012.

"Hi mom," I say. "It's Jennie. It's been a while since I've visited. I should've come sooner..." My voice trails off as immense guilt fills me but I know this isn't the time for it. "I just... I've been thinking about you a lot lately. More than normal.

"Things are pretty good in my life right now. Dad and I are spending a lot more time together. He's doing well, I promise. And my grades are good; just one B. My art portfolio is almost done and I honestly think it's really good. Samaya's good, too. She spent $40 on a water bottle yesterday, which I think is insane, but at least it's helping the environment. And, uh, this is my boyfriend, Nico. Yeah, I finally got one. He's really good to me, even though he's kind of egotistical but he's handsome so I ignore it." I smile slightly. "Everything is good here so don't worry."

I try to imagine how she would reply. There's so much more that I could say but I feel like she's able to fill in the details herself.

"Ready to go?" I ask Nico.

"Wait," he says. He turns back towards the grave. "Hi, Mrs. Cho. I'm Nico. I used to live across the street from Jennie but I don't anymore."

He takes a breath then continues. "Jennie is the most amazing person I've ever met and I've met a lot of people. She's intelligent and independent and compassionate. I wish I was smarter so I could explain better."

When I look at him, he's blurry from the tears in my eyes.

"Jennie is different from anyone I've ever met. She can do anything she puts her mind to but she's humble. She can be funny or serious. You could spend a million hours with Jennie, even live with Jennie, and still she'll never fail to surprise you.

"And she's beautiful. From every angle and every moment, she's beautiful to the point where sometimes I just look at her and wonder how anyone could be so mesmerizing. I love her. So thank you for bringing her into my life."

As he sits there, speaking to my mom, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. It doesn't feel safe.

But it feels right.

---

When we return to the car, my eyes are drained from the tears. I used to not remember the last time I cried but now it feels like I cry every other week.

"Do you want to get ice cream?" Nico asks as he turns the key.

"Nico," I say.

"I think your favorite drive-in place is nearby."

"Nico, I'm in love with you."

He pauses and then looks at me. Then, the most blindingly beautiful smile takes over his face. A smile like a boy, too wide for his face. He continues to smile at me then leans his head back, smiling with his eyes closed.

His right hand doesn't leave my left as we drive back.

A/N: Happy New Year hoes!! Drop a vote/comment for good 2021 energy. Thank u for reading & ur support always <3