Accidentally In Love // a jian fanfiction

well maybe i'm in love //

I couldn’t stop staring at his face. My eyes seemed to dance back and forth from his gleaming eyes to his soft pink lips. I was mesmerized, captivated and time seemed to stand still. His lips were moving but I heard none of it. My mind was buzzing and spinning with thoughts I didn’t want to try and understand. I was too in the moment, but I didn’t want to leave.

He turned to me and our eyes locked for a moment, and I lost my breath. He was saying something. I know that because I was staring at his lips again. I fought the sudden urge to kiss him. Finally, words broke through the emptiness of my infatuated silence. “Kian?”

I shook my head slightly, as if to try and exit myself from the little world I was stuck in. “Hmm?” I tried to play it off, swallowing heavily and averting my gaze, though my eyes kept creeping back to his smile. I bit my lip, as if to lock in any wondering thoughts that somehow got to my tongue. I shook my head, shaming myself for even staring again. This wasn’t the first time.

“Were you listening at all?” He laughed softly, and I could feel his eyes on me. I nodded and he cocked his head, a slight grin growing on his face. “Oh yeah, what was I talking about?”

I racked my brain for any information that may have crept in but it went blank. I could only think of his lips and I glanced back at them. My eyes met his and I was stuck in the trance again, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful he is. “Food…?” I mumbled under my breath.

“Food?!” He laughed, and my whole body vibrated, as though every atom in my body shivered at the way his laugh came from the back of his throat and left in wavering pitches. A smile almost snuck on my face and I let out a few chuckles. “Not even close.” He shook his head, a smirk still pressed upon his lips. I found myself staring at him again and I sighed at how pathetic I was.

My chest felt heavy whenever I was around him, in good and bad ways. Like every part of my soul was nervous and jittery just by being around him, but the other half was sinking into the depth of my darkness, knowing his thoughts were never the same as mine. I loved his presence and just being near him, but part of my always wanted more. Anything more.

I was always fighting urges. To hold his hand. To cuddle him. To kiss his lips. All these voices were just yelling at me in my head to just do it. You never know if you don’t try, they screamed in hushed tones but my hands would never move from my lap. My lips stayed shut. My body left cold as it craved his body heat.

“Speaking of food,” he stood up from his place on the couch beside me and suddenly I remembered the world around me. It was like I had completely forget where we were. “Let’s go get some dinner.” I watched as he walked away and my high was gone, and in its place came that sad, empty, lonely feeling. That feeling when you remember reality. That your best friend doesn’t feel the same as you. That you have no idea what these feelings are that you’re feeling. Those feelings that leave you up at night staring at darkened ceilings. Those feelings. Those feelings that come when he goes. I rubbed my thumb over the other and breathed in. I held it for a moment and then let it out slowly. “You’re alright,” I whispered to myself, trying to calm down my anxiety. “You’re okay Kian.”

“You coming?” Jc peaked around the corner, a coat now over his t-shirt. “It’s a little chilly out.”

“In L.A.?” I joked and he laughed that laugh again, and every lost emotion crept back in. It was an endless cycle and I stood, throwing my head back in defeat. When was I ever going to give up?

The car ride was silent. Soft music came from the radio but it was faint. I could hear him tapping on the wheel with his thumbs. For once I was looking out the window instead of at him. I watched as the city lights went passed in a blur. It was too quiet. I felt as though I should say something, but whenever I parted my lips, nothing worthy of saying would come out. “Nice weather,” I said as I zipped up my coat a little more. “Slightly cold but, uh, still nice.”

He let out a playful sigh. “Yeah,” he said gently. Back to silence. We stopped at a red light, and I swallowed anxiously.

I tapped my foot, racking my brain for any possible conversation starters. It was strange. He and I were best friends, but I still tried to impress him. I figured it was those strange feelings in me, the ones that wanted him to like me back. “How are you and Lia?” I asked, and felt a little stab in my chest. Why did I care? I guessed it was the only thing I could think of other than mentioning the weather for a fourth time.

“We broke up.” The words left his lips just as the light switched to green. I turned to look at him as he accelerated on the gas. His face was illuminated each time we went under streetlight after streetlight. The orange glow tinted his skin and shadows did new dances each time we went under. Even in the darkness I could see his stiffness and his clenched jaw.

“Oh,” was all I could muster up. I stared for a moment. He looked broken and slightly lost. Confused. I looked back out the window. I didn’t like seeing him like that. The stillness returned. I mentally punched myself over and over, shaming myself for asking such a stupid question. But part of me felt something else. I thought of what he said again. The words echoed inside my mind. We broke up. I bit back a smile and felt bad again. A song I recognized came on the radio but I fought the urge to turn the volume up. I strained my ears to try and listen. I tried to do anything to get over the awkwardness that hung in the air.

Next to me Jc sighed, glancing over at me for a second before turning his focus back to the road, “It’s alright. Sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s not exactly something that’s easy to say.”

“Nah man, it’s cool, I understand,” I replied. “I am your best friend though, you can tell me anything.”

“Sorry,” regret filled his voice, as though he were thinking back on his choices.

“Next time,” I chuckled and he let out a weak laugh. I looked down at my hands in my lap as a piece of string danced between each of my fingers. I couldn’t help but fidget. “So, uh, why did you guys break up?”

“It just didn’t work out,” he said flatly.

“Oh,” I said again and waited for any other explanation to go along with that. I got none. “Well… at least you’ve got me!”  I looked over at him with a plastered on smile.

He met my eyes as we stopped at another red light, and a genuine grin spread across his face. He let out a sharp sigh through his nose, laughing at my stupidity, and I felt those butterflies in my stomach again.