I'll Find You

Chapter 04

Sitting at the bar with a drink in his hand, the detective is unsure how to make small talk with the man who had once been his best friend. It's been years since he's had even a remotely social conversation with anyone; perhaps he's forgotten how altogether. Damien feels somewhat awkward as he carefully swirls the amber liquid in his glass, finding himself unable to enjoy either the expensive taste or the burn in his throat afterward. He stares into the whiskey, wondering what he's doing in a bar when he has no interest in either drinking or socializing; the only thing his brain can focus on is Tally and his persistent need to find her.

Besides, the smell of booze always reminds him of the hell his parents experienced after Tally's disappearance.

Damien silently observes the atmosphere of the bar as he sits perched on his stool, thankful that Tanner had been thoughtful enough not to take him to a club instead. The dim lighting and downplayed music lend a much calmer aura than he'd been expecting, and he can't help but feel somewhat appreciative of that fact, even if he's still rather uncomfortable. The relaxed feeling in the air has Damien trying to convince himself that he can also be at ease; it wouldn't do any harm to lower his guard for a little while, he supposes. However, it's a much more difficult task than he could have anticipated.

While Damien adjusts to the new environment, Tanner keeps watch over his friend in his peripheral vision, not wanting to increase Damien's discomfort by openly gawking at him. Instead, he'll allow Damien to go at his own pace, however fast or slow that may be. While the detective isn't conversing much, Tanner still enjoys his company and hopes that he'll be able to let loose even a little bit. Damien deserves to enjoy himself, if even for a short while. He needs to take a few minutes just to remember that even though Tally is gone, he still has a life--if he chooses to live it.

While Damien feels guilty for the way he is so blatantly neglecting his friend, especially after he made an effort to see him after so many years, he can't stop thinking about his sister. Thoughts of Tally immediately and completely dampen any and every possibility that Damien could have fun tonight, and he suddenly feels regretful for even stepping foot in the bar. Shame washes over him as tears quickly gather in his eyes and threaten to spill over, and Damien excuses himself from the bar, needing to be alone.

A few minutes after Damien exits the building, his friend's voice floats toward him from the bar's doorway. The detective hastily attempts to cover his face, but he knows it's too late; Tanner has caught him crying. The two men stand quietly beside each other, their wordlessness speaking the volumes that their voices currently cannot. Tanner offers a supportive shoulder, a warm embrace, and a sense of comfort that Damien can't quite remember ever feeling before. In return, Damien provides his friend with a small glimpse beyond his rugged exterior, giving Tanner the opportunity to be there for him like no one else ever has.

A stifled sniffle breaks both the silence and the embrace, and Damien takes a step back in an attempt to compose himself. While not a single word is exchanged between the two, none is needed in this moment. The detective's bloodshot eyes communicate his feelings for him, rendering his voice entirely useless in this situation. Tanner can clearly see that his friend is filled to the brim with conflicting emotions; the sight alone pains him greatly. Nodding in Damien's direction, he assures him that he holds no grudge against him for the way tonight's outing turned out. With a small reassuring smile, Tanner watches as the other man slowly begins to walk away, ignoring the ache in his chest as he does so.

As Damien heads back to his apartment alone, he hopes he will someday be able to make it up to Tanner for bailing on him tonight. While social interactions had once been his forte, a lot has changed over the last eight years. Damien doesn't need to worry, though; Tanner understands. He can't feel exactly what Damien is feeling or understand what he's going through, but he knows that life has been rough on the man for the last eight years and that it will take time for him to heal--especially if he never finds his sister.

Regardless of the overwhelming feelings fueling his anxiety, Damien calmly places one foot in front of the other; he refuses to break down further while out in public. The tension within him only builds, weighing heavily down on him with every step he takes toward his home. The release of the door under his touch as the key turns in the lock simultaneously lowers Damien's guard, the already crumbling floodgates within his eyes dissolving entirely as the door swings open. Damien steps into his apartment blindly, his vision blurred with the tears he can no longer withhold.

Securing the door behind him, he stumbles through the darkened room, uncaring about the items that crash to the floor as he bumps into a table or two. He can worry about the damages later; tonight, he's far too distraught to care about what kind of mess he's made. Collapsing heavily onto the couch as if his body is made of lead, Damien lets his overwhelming feelings of guilt and grief consume him wholly as the tears stream violently down his face.

He should have been better.

He should have been a better brother to Tally all those years ago. He should have been a better son to his parents, both before and after the traumatizing experience of their child's disappearance. And a better friend, especially to Tanner. Maybe even a better student, a better person in general.

And if he were a better detective, he would have found his sister by now...