I'll Find You

Chapter 10

Losing himself hadn't been instantaneous. It had been a long process, possessing Damien so slowly that it almost wasn't happening at all.

At least to Damien.

He hadn't even realized he was changing until he could no longer recognize himself, the reflection staring back at him that of a complete stranger. It built gradually over time, morphing him into someone else entirely at an almost unnoticeable pace. If Damien would look back over the last eight years, he'd be hard-pressed to pinpoint a precise moment when he became aware that something was different about him.

He hadn't woken up one morning and simply felt off.

However, Damien's view of his personal grieving process varied greatly from what the outside world had seen.

The transition from the carefree boy who looked forward to the future into the despaired man obsessed with the past had begun with seemingly insignificant details. Initially, the differences were so tiny that no one could have predicted what was to come for Damien. However, anyone who has glimpsed both versions of him would easily distinguish that Tally's disappearance had ultimately led to Damien's downfall.

In the beginning, his grief appeared to be appropriate to onlookers. The inhabitants of their small town had deemed the Tates' reactions to Tally's disappearance understandable; their tragic loss and the significant grief they faced were well-known throughout the entirety of the city limits. The residents carefully tiptoed around the mourning family for months after the incident, offering condolences and consolations in any way possible. Unfortunately, the changes in the very foundation of who Damien Tate was evolved from there, his mental state deteriorating drastically.

As a teenager, things such as a sudden disinterest in the music he once loved and a decreased appetite seemed normal to those watching behind the scenes. However, observers became increasingly concerned when such small changes didn't resolve and transformed into much more blatant differences from the boy they knew. Eventually, Damien's lack of interest and involvement mutated exponentially. He stopped caring entirely about things that had once been important to him, obsessively and extensively pursuing information about Tally's disappearance instead of chasing his dreams of becoming a musician. What had begun as a slight disinterest turned into complete withdrawal, and a lack of care for himself turned into surviving on nothing but caffeine and the occasional sandwich. All of the things that made him Damien Tate slowly started to fade into the background as if they never existed until there was nothing left of him but the urgent and prevalent need to bring his little sister back home.

If someone were to ask him now about his favorite color or his hopes for the future, Damien would likely be at an immense loss; he barely remembers the boy he used to be. In fact, if he hadn't been referred to by the legally assigned name of Damien Tate, he wouldn't even know who he is anymore.

Trauma will do that to you. Well, at least that's what the therapist told him back when Tally had first gone missing. And the abrupt disappearance of his fifteen-year-old sister was definitely traumatic--a trauma that he may never recover from.

At first, Damien had begun therapy as a courtesy to his parents; he hadn't believed it could actually help him to feel better but wanted to take any opportunity to ease the burden his mom and dad were carrying. The sessions seemed pointless in the beginning, filled with a lot of talking about feelings that Damien couldn't understand at the time. He'd found it to be unnecessary and a waste of time. His feelings about therapy changed over time, his denial turning into disinterest, which then morphed into numbness. If the therapist hadn't understood the circumstances of Damien's home life, she might have recommended commitment to a psychiatric facility; however, with the struggles Damien's family faced every day in the aftermath of their tragedy, she couldn't bring herself to voice such a suggestion aloud.

The Tates were barely holding themselves together, and separation would likely only have caused further damage to the already hurting family.

Damien scrubs a hand over his face, washing away his thoughts to the best of his ability. He places his hands on the tiled wall, hanging his head down and allowing the steaming water to cleanse him as it rains over his body; it's the first time in a long time that he's actually found a shower to be almost therapeutic. He stands under the stream, letting the droplets fall against his back and massage away the ever-present tension in his muscles. His eyes fall closed as he soaks in the feeling, grateful for a single moment of inward peace.

His temporary serenity doesn't last long, however, the release bringing forth a surge of emotions that cause his eyes to well with tears. Before Damien even knows what's happening, his body is wracked with sobs. He stands there, crying out the years of pain he's endured until the water runs cold. Damien hardly notices the temperature change, too wrapped up in the emotional tidal wave he's currently experiencing, allowing every tear, wail, and whimper to pour out of him until he has nothing more to give. When the torrential storm of emotion finally begins to clear, Damien stands shivering and sniffling under the freezing water until his painful barrage of grief is interrupted by the ringing of his phone.

With a shake of his head, Damien shuts off the shower. His trembling hands rush to wipe away the tracks on his cheeks before wrapping a towel around his waist. A deep sigh escapes him as he steps out of the enclosure, his bleary eyes searching the vanity counter for his phone. His mother's name flashes across the screen, and Damien silently debates whether or not he should answer the phone; perhaps he could call her back in a few minutes after he's had the chance to collect himself. Before he can make a decision, the ringing stops, and the screen goes black.

"Well, that settles that, then," Damien thinks to himself, feeling almost grateful for the moment of solitude.