Loving Him (FTM) (Wattys2015)

Part Eleven

"How did it go? You sound happier."

The phone pressed to my ear, I smiled while seated in the cafeteria after having just finished eating a late lunch with Harold Jr. and Lisa. The couple left just a few minutes ago to visit with Spencer while I sat to drink another cup of coffee and to call Mom. "Thanks to you. Thank you for encouraging me to come back to the hospital, Mom."

When I hurried away from Spencer's room earlier that morning I felt like a ticking bomb much as I had with his mother in the waiting room. A great portion of me felt such guilt for walking away from him, but I hadn't realized just how angry I was until I awoke from that nightmare. I meant to have a talk with him about what he attempted yet couldn't imagine myself snapping at him and leaving in a rush.

I'd felt terrible about that. However, it didn't prevent me from tearily getting on the elevator, riding it to the first floor, exiting the building and marching toward my car. Seated behind the wheel I almost broke down when I observed small smudges of dried blood on the backseat. Surprisingly, I managed not to cry until I arrived home and sprinted up to my bedroom.

My pillow was barely damp when Mom entered, voice alarmed as she asked me if something happened to Spencer. Shaking my head, I shared how I felt and behaved after awakening. Though she understood why I was so angry, she suggested that I should return to the hospital and have a reasonable conversation with my boyfriend. Following his suicidal attempt he was most likely feeling down enough and my walking away didn't help matters. It would only wind up with us both being in further pain.

So I wiped my tears, took a shower, ate the granola bar and yogurt Mom insisted on while deciding to spend a little while with Cindy watching a couple of cartoons because I could tell just how upset she was over Spencer being in the hospital. None of us had told her the truth about why. We just said Spencer had an accident, which caused enough injury he would need to be in the hospital a few days, but that he would make a full recovery. Before I left, she gave me a homemade 'get well' card and asked me to tell Spencer she loved him.

Arriving at his room just in time to hear him leaving me a voicemail, following heartfelt conversation, I handed him the card, the biggest smile appearing on his lips as he observed every single colorful picture and read the sweet rhymed poem written within. When I passed along Cindy's special message he looked beyond touched. In fact, he was so touched he called the house and once spending a few minutes talking with Mom, he asked if my sister could come to the phone. Cindy spent at least a good twenty minutes talking Spencer's ear off, which based on his expression he seemed quite content with.

"Has Spencer spoken with his mother yet?"

"No, everyone has been to visit with him while he's been conscious except Grace." I knew that she hadn't left the hospital and she was in his room after he was moved from the recovery unit, but Grace hadn't returned since he awoke. Had a strong feeling she was coming around, but perhaps considering their last conversation she felt awkward coming face to face with him and therefore hadn't quite figured out what to say.

"Give me her cell number and I'll call her. We can have a little talk--mother to mother."

Again I smiled. With Christmas coming next month, I might buy her something with world's best mom engraved or printed on it. "Thanks, Mom, but I'm sure she'll find her courage soon."

Once our conversation ended, I drank the rest of my coffee and headed back to the floor Spencer's room was located on. Cafeteria on the basement level of the hospital, I was in for quite a surprise when the elevator paused on the main floor. There stood a certain teenage blonde and redhead waiting with a bouquet of foil balloons, a large basket that looked like flowers, but I could tell was actually an edible fruit arrangement and the largest envelope I had ever seen, my boyfriend's first name written across it in neat cursive handwriting.

Simultaneously smiling when they spotted me, they rushed onto the elevator, which we had to ourselves. I stood there with arms at my sides and thoroughly confused as they took turns hugging me like we were buddies.

"Good afternoon, Kels," Justine, the slutty nurse from that Halloween party last week greeted. Transferring the strings tied to the balloons to the other side, she stood next to me while the previously slutty hooker Norah leaned against a wall with the basket in one hand and giant envelope in the other. "How is Spencer? We heard about what happened."

"We're so sorry that he...well..." Norah shook her head, expression genuinely concerned. In fact, both looked so concerned one would think they had more of a relationship than their threeway dance. With it being a lovely Saturday I would think they would be out enjoying themselves somewhere, yet here they were at the hospital bearing gifts and kindness.

It was weird. Yet nice.

"Thank God, he's doing well emotionally and physically." I wondered how they found out, but decided to let it go. With social networking services such as Twitter and Facebook, information could digitally spread like wildfire. "Sweet of you to come check up on him." I pointed toward the balloons and fruit. "And the gifts. Spencer will love them." I happened to know my boyfriend was a huge fan of fruit. Unlike me, nine times out of ten he would select some melon or an orange over a candy bar or slice of cake. No wonder he was in such awesome shape.

"We thought about getting him flowers, but this is the kind of arrangement you can eat. Plus, flowers are pretty but they die--ow, J! Damn!" Norah sent her friend a scowl following being smacked on the forehead.

Justine scowled back. "Watch what you say!"

The elevator arriving on Spencer's floor, I stepped out just in time to hide an amused smile. The three of us standing near the nurse's station, Norah waved the huge envelope, explaining there was a greeting card within, which they went around asking other students to sign.

Justine proudly smiled. "Spent the better part of the morning on that and we have at least seventy get well messages."

Norah eagerly nodded. "Yep. Even Buffy signed it and she can't stand you since you broke her--shit, stop slapping me, J!"

Lower lip bitten in an effort to keep the smile from showing, I pointed in the direction of Spencer's room. "You two want to go see him?" Once they agreed, we resumed walking, Norah on my right and Justine on my left. Weird walking and casually conversing with the two girls I glared at last Friday for their provocative dancing with my boyfriend. Weird, yet definitely nice.


##########


"Jello tastes better with vodka." Spencer used a fork to stab one of the small, red rubbery cubes in a plastic bowl on his dinner tray. I was pleased that he cleaned his plate and I didn't blame him for not wanting that dessert. Fortunately, they also gave him cookies, which he insisted I share.

I smirked. "Jello with vodka causes you to dirty dance with hookers and nurses."

Although he appeared embarrassed, that didn't prevent him from laughing. "In the future I only want to dirty dance with sexy police officers named Kelsey Plumb." As I was seated close to his bed, he easily reached out to pinch my cheek. "Naked dance too."

A grin dropped onto my lips. "Absolutely naked dance."

A knock drew our attention toward the door. Ah, there she was. I was both jubilant and apprehensive over seeing Grace. Standing up, I had every intention of excusing myself until she insisted that I stay. Moving further into the room, Grace eyed her youngest with a faint and hesitant smile in place. Asking him how he felt, she stood on the other side of the bed, hands wrapped around the railing.

Fork placed on the tray, Spencer settled back against the pillows. Hands on his lap, he peered into her face. "I'm doing pretty well. You?"

Grace sighed. "I'm...sorry. I..." She slowly shook her head. "Don't know where to start. I've spent all day thinking over these last few months and I'm ashamed." She focused on me. "Kelsey, you've been constant, you've been my child's rock and have loved...him without conditions and I thank you for that. I thank you for being there for him and supporting him when I was unable--no, when I was unwilling to. And on top of all that, you saved her--his life. I'm forever indebted to you and though you're only teenagers, I sincerely hope you'll be together for many years to come because I believe you're the perfect half to make him whole.

"As for you," light blue eyes glistening, Grace reached for one of Spencer's hands, holding it while a thumb brushed back and forth across his knuckles, "despite how I've behaved, I love you, honey. I just couldn't deal with your being..."

"Transgender," he softly supplied.

She nodded. "Yes. But from this day forward, I promise you that I'll do better, that I'll be more accepting because thanks to Kelsey, I've finally seen the error of my ways. I want you to be happy. Kelsey makes you happy and transitioning to a male will make you happy. I intend to do everything I can to help with that." Tears racing down her cheeks, Grace tremulously smiled. "I have five sons and I love every single one of them."

Obviously his mother's tears contagious, Spencer began to cry as he pulled his hand from hers only to open his arms. Leaning over the railing, Grace embraced and kissed his cheek. Holding her tight, his tears stained her shoulder. "I love you, Mom."


##########


My parents allowed me to skip school the day Spencer was discharged from the hospital. After spending a week there, he was quite eager to leave and was already dressed by the time Grace and I arrived. As it turned out, being released wasn't the best part of his day, which he discovered once we reached the Diamond household.

The three of us heading upstairs, Grace mentioned that we should relax in Spencer's room while she prepared lunch. Asked how we felt about grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, we forgot to respond when she opened his bedroom door and stood to the side for us to enter first.

Checking out that bedroom, Grace may have been my favorite person that day. During the week Spencer was in the hospital she had his bedroom remodeled for the second time that month. Brand new pale blue plush carpet spread from wall to wall, the walls were painted a light blue and were covered with framed exotic sports car posters and the models had returned. Actually, I could have sworn there were more breasts than before. Wonder how Grace looked shopping for those particular pictures?

Since she evidently couldn't retrieve his other model cars, twenty new boxes were stacked underneath the window ready to be put together and decorated to Spencer's liking. Before he didn't have a television in his room, but now a flat screen was within an entertainment center with his video game system and neatly arranged games in their cases, which used to be located in the den. His CD player, radio and a DVD player I didn't recognize were also placed in sections of the entertainment center.

Surprised not a fitting word to describe Spencer's expression, he turned toward his mother, who stood just inside the door. "Mom..."

Beginning to smile, she pointed to the closet. "Look in there."

Eyes beginning to sting due to the tears, I watched my boyfriend head toward the closet, a shaky hand sliding one side of it. Not one dress, skirt or pair of high heels was within. Just about every outfit I viewed looked precisely like something Spencer would wear. Jeans, at least knee length shorts, casual shirts, sneakers...even baseball and skull caps had been placed on plastic hooks above the closet. It was a laid-back teenage guy's dream wardrobe.

"Mom, you...it's even better than before." Spencer shook his head. "You didn't have to--"

"No, I did, Spencer. I never should have touched your belongings in the first place. Better than before is the least I could do to try making up for it."

I began to laugh through the tears when he picked up Grace and began to spin her around and around until all three of us were tearily laughing.


##########


"Dad offered me a box of condoms."

Seated in the passenger seat of my car, I studied his side profile noticing amusement on his mouth as he continued driving along the darkened street. It being New Year's Eve, we were supposed to be going to a party, but Spencer and I each had a strong feeling that our parental units didn't believe us. However, neither of us were given an inquisition and we were allowed very lenient curfews.

Instead of attending that party we were on our way to a nearby hotel where Spencer rented a room for us to bring in 2015 alone. When he brought it up, I thought his idea a million times better than going to a party, even though I did hear it was supposed to be amazing. Nothing could be more amazing than one on one time spent with the man I loved.

"Condoms? When?"

"About a couple weeks ago. Gave me the talk first."

My eyebrows lifted. "At eighteen?"

He laughed while making a right turn. "Mom took care of that talk when I was twelve and Dad used to give my brothers the talk. I suppose since I told them I identify as a guy he decided to give me one too even though I was told about the birds and the bees six years ago. Wasn't the same exact version though since I can't get you pregnant and my equipment isn't traditional. Plus, I highly doubt he gave his other sons condoms at age twelve. He did bring up that STDs were still possible, hence why he gave them to me. I told him that neither of us were...sexually free before we got together and since we've become a couple we're monogamous. He insisted that I take them regardless."

I chuckled while trying to imagine that conversation. "Did you ever use condoms with your older woman?"

"No, that never came up. I, however, um, have thought about using one with you. Keep a condom you can buy from one of those machines in a restroom in my wallet." Spencer appeared sheepish when he glanced toward me. "Gotta admit, the ones Dad gave me are like the Cadillac of condoms."

I grinned until my cheeks ached. "Why haven't you? Used one with me I mean."

Spencer shrugged. "I dunno...felt stupid bringing it up I guess. Reminds me of the shaving thing. Still can't picture myself sporting facial hair, but I look forward to shaving."

"So you don't really want to have sex?" I barely swallowed the grin before a pair of widened eyes traveled in my direction.

"Huh? What led you to that?"

"Don't want facial hair yet you want to shave. Figured you don't want sex yet you want to wear a condom." My grin emerged upon his laughter.

"I might decline a goatee, but I would never," paused at a red light, those eyes ogled me from head to toe, "ever decline that body." When he licked his lips and winked at me, a rush of heat sailed through that body of mine from head to toe.


##########


Having finished a savory candlelit dinner with music playing on Spencer's MP3 player, he asked me if I wanted to dance. Nodding with a soft smile, I watched him scroll through his songs until he found ours. My smile grew as our bodies pressed together, my arms around his neck and his hands on my waist while Thinking Out Loud filled the room. Cheek brushing mine, Spencer whispered that he was nervous.

"About?"

His head shifted until our eyes met. "Making love. We haven't since before..."

Although he trailed off I immediately knew what would come next. "Not for my lack of trying." When I winked he chuckled. "Babe," I cupped his face, gazing into his eyes, "please don't feel self-conscious around me. Over these last few weeks I've seen your chest and I think you're beautiful." I had to convince him to let me help apply the silicone-based cream and Bio-Oil to his chest and after a couple days he relented. I quite enjoyed those intimate moments of gently and lovingly massaging Spencer's chest.

"The reddened scars?"

"The scars were to be expected and yes, to me those are beautiful. Proof of your survival and courage. And remember Dr. Bell mentioned they could continue to fade and flatten over the next year." Arms moving back to his neck, I leaned in, lips brushing his. "Even if they don't, every inch of you is beautiful, Spencer." His hands sliding into my hair, he deepened our kiss. Mouths sealed, tongues greeting, it was tender and impassioned at the same time. Once we parted breathing the same oxygen, I whispered for him to make love to me.

Turning me away from him, I held my breath as he slowly tugged my zipper down, mouth soon kissing along my shoulders and down my back, the dressed pooled around my feet. Those calloused palms sliding along my back caused a delightful shiver, which escalated upon the unclasping of my bra. Leaving a damp trail down my back, Spencer knelt, fingers hooking into the sides of the lacy underwear I purchased specifically for tonight.

His name fell from my lips when the tip of a tongue swirled random patterns along my buttocks and the back of my thighs. The moment my legs started trembling he suggested that we move to the bed. I agreed, yet when he stood, I turned drawing him into another kiss. Mouths connected and moans rising into the air, I tugged the bottom of Spencer's dress shirt from his slacks, fingers finding its buttons.

When I had the top button undone I pushed it down his shoulders, fingers tracing along his biceps a few seconds before replacing them with my mouth. While tasting along his collarbone I heard a faint whisper. Head raised, I smiled at him. "Yes, sweetheart?"

"If that's what you're intending, you don't have to touch them...kiss them. The scars."

"I've touched them almost daily and I've thought about kissing those areas more times than I care to admit. I want to, Spencer." I didn't initially realize that I had begun massaging the nape of his neck. "I want to press my lips to your scars then drop to my knees and kiss along your stomach, allowing my tongue to explore your bellybutton the way you love. Then I'm going to remove your pants, your underwear, kiss along your thighs until you're also quivering. At that point, we'll collapse onto the bed and I want you to slide atop me so I may feel your naked, beautifully contoured chest pressed against my heaving bosom like a chick in a Harlequin romance novel."

Taking Spencer's heavier breathing as non-verbal approval to my plan, I put it into action and within five minutes we had the bedding turned down, my back resting on the cool fitted sheet while his warm, taut body settled on top of me, soft packer rubbing sensitive folds. I think there might have been tears in his eyes when my erect nipples grazed developing pecs, but then I was pleasantly distracted by heated kisses as those calloused palms caressed my skin, goose bumps soon to form.

A mouth damp, sensual and leisure seemed to visit every bit of skin on its journey downward to a place most desired. Legs wide and over his shoulders, Spencer's warm breath stroked the throbbing between my thighs until my hips began to gyrate and I was on the verge of begging him to touch and taste.

Hands clutched the sheet the moment he did both, skilled tongue sweeping up and down and from side to side quickly working me into a frenzy. For a while I watched his dark head bobbing, hands gripping my waist. My back arched when one of those hands slid to tightened nipples, sending ripples throughout upon fingers tweaking. When I murmured about being close, could have sworn Spencer's tongue plunged even deeper, mouth vacuum sealed tight against me.

Left hand granting the sheet its freedom, I grabbed his wrist encouraging his fingers away from my nipples and toward my mouth, sucking his middle and index fingers within. My tongue swirled around them while the fingers of his other hand manipulated my clit in perfect rhythm with his exploring tongue.

Eyes shut, I suckled Spencer's fingers, moaning in escalation around them until releasing them with a loud plopping sound as I was concerned I would bite down on them when I...

Oh God.

I exploded long and hard, hips frantically rocking against my partner's mouth and digits, not stopping until I greedily rode out ever single satisfying wave. Spencer didn't cease tasting me until my hips stilled and at that time he climbed upward greeting me with a thorough yet unhurried kiss, my arousal coating his full lips. The moment I began to wrap my legs around his hips, he rolled off me, sitting up on the bed. Groaning my disapproval, I reached toward him, hand gliding over his lower back.

"Where are you going? Not done with you."

Spencer glanced over his shoulder with a grin. "Not done with you either, baby. Be right back." Completely naked and walking with a new confidence I'd noticed in the days following the top surgery, he stopped at the dresser where a black duffel bag he'd brought had been placed. Hearing the unmistakable sound of a zipper, he pulled something from the bag and returned to the bed with his right arm behind his back. Try as I might, I couldn't tell what he held, so I pled with Spencer to tell me. 

"I'll show you." Sitting up in the queen-sized bed with his back against the headboard, he dropped a blue item and a small, clear bottle of lubricant on his lap.

Beaming like he just offered me a diamond ring, I sat up. "What do we have here?" The moment I set eyes on it, I knew it was a dildo, but it was shaped a bit differently from others I'd seen. Its shape reminded me of a capital letter L and toward its crook were three small ridges and along the silicone shaft were built-in veins leading toward a tapered head.

"Thought long and hard about this purchase." Spencer chuckled. "Truly no pun intended." We shared a grin. "And decided to go through with it as I've discovered that I'm comfortable with and enjoy penetration from you. Otherwise," he picked up the dildo, which I then noticed how flexible it was, "we couldn't use this. At least not for its main purpose."

"And how do we? How does it work?"

Feeling like I was the only student in the most fun class ever, I paid close attention as Professor Diamond explained how to use what he referred to as a strapless double dildo. It didn't require (although one could be used) a harness as the shorter bulb-like end should snugly fit within one's vaginal walls to be held by the pelvic muscles.

The shaft could penetrate one's partner, whether it be a man (anally) or a woman (from the back or front) from a variety of positions. What Spencer seemed to be most excited about was that the double-ended toy could also provide him with pleasure, the ridges perfect for clitoral stimulation and the bulbous end angled to reach the G-spot.

"So it could be possible for us to come together or close together and it could better feel like I'm inside you."

Loving the glow on his cheeks, I leaned toward him to noisily kiss them. "Let's try it out, babe." Fascinated eyes watched him flip the cap on the bottle, squirting some of the gel-like substance onto the end he would wear. After rubbing it all over, Spencer asked me to hold the toy. Knelt on the bed, he removed his soft packer and harness before taking it back, carefully inserting the lubricated bulb end until it disappeared up to its neck.

"Is this the first time you've done that?" I watched as the shaft swayed looking so very inviting.

Spencer shook his head. "Bought it a couple weeks ago and I've been practicing."

"Mm." I bit my lower lip, fingers grazing the blue shaft from its end all the way up to where it met him. He sharply inhaled when those same fingers roamed a hardening nub. Asked if I was ready, I met his gaze. "Almost. Where's your condom?" 

"I won't knock you up, Kels. I'll use the pull out method. Scout's honor." As I chuckled, he left the bed long enough to grab the wallet from his slacks. A golden wrapper removed from it, he tossed the wallet on the nightstand and reclaimed his spot. Tearing the top off the wrapper, Spencer soon rolled the condom onto the shaft. 

"Is that your vending machine condom or the Cadillac?"

He chuckled as it reached the top. "Cadillac. Threw the cheap one away."

"May it rest unused in peace." When Spencer picked up the bottle, I asked if I could apply the lubricant. Smiling, he wordlessly gave it to me, smile flourishing when I straddled his legs. Adding some to my palm, I rubbed my hands together and wrapped them around his shaft as though about to give him a handjob. I noticed when I actually pushed and pulled on it my boyfriend faintly moaned. 

That's right. He could feel it. It was inside him and more than ever I wanted the other end inside me. "May I?" I softly spoke.

Darkened eyes gazed into mine. "May you what?" Leaning forward, Spencer's lips tenderly kissed mine. "You want it inside you now? You want to ride me, baby?" Hands gripped my hips urging me closer.

Scooting forward until I hovered the shaft, I guided it between my lips, moaning as it began to fill me. Initially, Spencer didn't shift his hips, allowing me to establish a rhythm while his mouth suckled the side of my neck, certain to give me another hickey, which would allude to our hanky panky.

Riding him faster, hands clutching his shoulders, I arched my back to accommodate the mouth that traveled to my breasts, a tongue flicking the sensitive tips. Before long, one at a time they were enveloped, the sound of Spencer's sucking driving me even crazier.

"Spencer." I didn't want anything else. Just had an overwhelming urge to say his name. When I said it again, he managed to flip us over without withdrawing from my slippery center. Successfully wrapping my legs around him that time, my hands caressed a smooth back.

Our breathing rapid, he worked his hips, thrusting deeply into me. Face above mine, he studied me, murmuring how beautiful I was. I smiled seconds before raising my head, mouth needing to taste him, tongue seeking out his as my hands gripped firm cheeks flexing with each plunge. 

The headboard struck the wall while our sweat-sheened bodies writhed together. Heart hammering, breath in spurts, I began to notice that familiar tingle hinting at impending bliss. Though I yearned to maintain eye contact, I eventually had to shut them, whispering that the orgasm was close. His forehead pressed to mine, I felt Spencer's nod. "Me too, baby."

Tremors near simultaneously moving through us, highly rapturous moans met and blended as we clutched to each other, Spencer's mouth sliding onto mine when we started to come down from a place I looked forward to visiting again very soon.


##########


"Sure that's the first time you've used that type of dildo on a girl?" Smiling, I drank a sip from the champagne glass filled with sparkling cider. Officially midnight fifteen minutes ago, we each gave a brief toast, clinked our glasses and kissed upon counting down at the ten second mark. Now I could officially say that I had been dating the oh so fine Spencer Diamond since last year. When I commented that to him, he offered an adorable grin, cheeks a pale red.

"Unless I blacked out I'm positive. Did you like it?"

"Sweetheart, I loved it. Was it expensive?"

"Let's just say it cost more than this room, but was worth every penny."

"Tell you what," leaning over him, I placed my flute next to his on the nightstand, "I'll pay for it. You already paid for the room and room service. People have been generous with delivery tips lately. Must have something to do with that holiday spirit."

Rolling to his side facing me, Spencer shook his head while his cheek rested upon his hand. "Can't allow you to pay for my junk."

I laughed. "Why not? It's mine."

Dark brows raised, amusement suffused his face. "Oh yeah? Are your boobs mine?" I moaned when he tweaked a nearby nipple. 

"Of course. Only fair."

"Hm." Though he looked thoughtful some amusement remained as his free hand traveled down my chest, to my stomach, index finger dipping into my bellybutton. "What about your navel?"

I shuddered. "Yes."

Fingers took a stroll across my abdomen, seconds later rubbing circular patterns along the closest thigh. "Thighs?"

"Absolutely," I whispered. Drew my bottom lip between my teeth when those fingers roamed toward my inner thigh and headed back up until his palm cupped me. 

"What about your pus--well," Spencer wiggled his brows, "you know."

Although he had begun to stir the flames, I chuckled. "Yes, I know. And yes, that is most definitely yours." When the heel began rubbing I reached for his wrist. "Do you know what part of my body I'm most honored to have you claim?"

"What part, baby?"

I guided his hand to the left side of my upper chest, pressing it downward so he might feel the thumping against his palm. His smile so tender, Spencer replaced his hand with his mouth, delivering several tiny kisses. 

Light blue eyes shining, love was practically written on his forehead as he looked down at me. "It's the part I'm most honored to accept. Thank you. I love you so much, Kelsey. Happy New Year."

"Love you too, Spencer." Hand on the back of his head, I pushed until he began to lower. Mouth millimeters from mine, I wished him a happy New Year. Mouths colliding, I had a strong feeling we were about to make love for the first time in 2015.