A Graveyard of Stars

Chapter Fifteen

"Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

-Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

--

There's a moment in everyone's life when they feel completely undone, and not in a bad way.

In the past few years, I've thought less and less of relationships. I've looked at guys and decided whether or not I thought they were attractive or if they'd make a decent boyfriend but of all the parties I've attended I've never tried to get with a guy. And not just because most of them think I'm a nutcase.

A boyfriend has continued going down on my priority list, until it wasn't on there at all.

My first kiss was in ninth grade and not the most remarkable experience. It was with Luke Brooder under the oak tree in the front yard of the high school. We had been hanging out back then, but only because we were lab partners. He pecked me on the lips when I was in the middle of talking about how much I hate peach pie. Connor had told me he had a crush on me a few times but I didn't really listen. After he kissed me, I slapped him in the mouth for stealing my first kiss without permission. We haven't spoken since.

If someone told me last year that I'd be kissing Will Conway on my bed at one in the morning, I would've called the police on them.

But here we are, kissing on my bed at one in the morning.

Oh, and what a kiss. His lips teach me all the wonders of himself as they move perfectly against mine. His hands are on my waist, pulling me close. I run my paint coated fingers through his thick hair, something I've longed to do since I first met him. When his hand slides up my shirt and meets my bare skin, I gasp. I feel Will smile through the kiss.

I pull him down on the bed with me. He hovers above me as I discard him of his jacket and throw it off the bed. I go for his lips again but they're already on my cheek, my neck, my collarbone...

I'm one big bottle of issues, I want to remind him. He's deserves so much better than what I am and what I bring. But I don't say any of that, I can't say any of that as his warm hands continue to explore my skin. Then, anything I was thinking before this moment disintegrates when Will removes my tank top.

I've been intoxicated countless times. Somewhere along the lines, I've grown mostly numb to the consequences alcohol can bring but I remember my first hangover. It was also freshman year. Connor and I weren't into the party scene yet but neither of us ever wanted to stay home. We ended up crashing a party Addie Bishop was hosting and got shitfaced, launching the two of us into this alcohol infused existence.

Being with Will feels like my first time being intoxicated, but in a much more unclouded way. Nothing is too serious and I don't feel lost. I know I don't have to worry about anything because he is right here.

He cups my face gently in his hands and gazes down at me. We are both breathless, speechless. My whole body feels engulfed in him. His eyes have taken a whole new shade of black; his hair is tousled from me running my fingers through it over and over.....

You're not good enough for him, says a faint voice in my head. I don't have to think long to know its right, but another look at this boy says I'll do anything it takes to change that. I don't want to think about anything else but his scent and his warmth and his kisses. I feel miles away from everyone except him. I feel like I'm in the sky with the clouds and the birds.

I claim his lips with mine again and he's eager to respond. My hands run down his torso, stopping at the waistband of his jeans.

"Wait," Will murmurs hoarsely. I continue to fumble with his belt, which I realize is really freaking hard to undo when I can't exactly see it and-