The Living Will

Chapter 1 - Time to Die

I remember the day I decided I was going to kill myself. It was a Thursday.

Work was really fucking slow that day. Which meant I had a lot of time to think about how I wanted to do it. I thought about hanging myself, but there was a chance I'd just break my neck and live, then I wouldn't be able to move or do anything for the rest of my pointless life.

I thought about going out and buying a gun, but that would have required me to go to a gun store, talk to someone, then fill out a bunch of paperwork, and probably be denied anyway because I'm only 19. Plus there's always the chance that the bullet misses your brain by an inch and you make it out alive with a giant hole in your head.

I thought about slitting my wrists, but I knew I wouldn't have the strength to do that. A couple of rail yard workers came into the convenience store to buy some Rockstar energy drinks, and I thought about jumping in front of one of the trains that ran through the train yard every hour. But, I'd feel bad for whoever was working the train and had to see me kill myself, plus then they'd have to stop the train and have to come scoop what was left of my body from the tracks. Then the train would be delayed, (as well as any other trains that might have been behind it), the conductor and crew likely would've been laid off as well, and overall it just doesn't sound like a fun way to go out.

I know what you're probably thinking after reading all of that. "Wow, this is really edgy!"

But I want to assure you, this is not a depressing story at all. This is a happy story, complete with the happy ending and all that good shit that they always talk about in movies. But for now, bear with me as I tell the story.

A little bit after the rail yard workers paid for their shit and left, I finally conceived how I wanted to kill myself. It would be quick, painless, and whoever found my body (if it was ever even found) wouldn't have to see some ugly beat up corpse.

I had it all planned out. As soon as my shift was over, I would go home to my apartment, unwind, have a nice dinner (even though eating didn't even make me feel good anymore), then kill myself. I was set on it. For about 3 minutes.

Just as I was about to start writing my suicide note (because you have to write one of those), as fate would have it, I saw a familiar looking girl about my age walk into the convenience store. It was weird. It wasn't that her face was familiar or anything like that, because she was too far away for me to see it clearly. It was just more of her presence, or her energy itself, that felt familiar. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was like as soon as she walked into the store, I felt different. I felt a way that I hadn't felt in a long time. She was dressed very casually, wearing one of those stupid dark blue Nike sweaters and ripped blue jeans. She also had a brown Jansport bag that everyone always had in high school for some reason, even though they couldn't hold shit.

After she had walked in, she immediately dipped to the right and away from the checkout register. She headed down the soda aisle to the back of the store where all of the ice bags were, then just stood there pretending to look at something. In between scanning another customer's shit, I kept glancing over to see what she was doing. It kind of looked like she was hiding from someone, because she kept glancing towards the windows that faced the parking lot and hunching herself down.

About another minute passed and the other customer walked out, leaving just her and I in the store, alone. She glanced over at the windows once more, looking like whoever or whatever was following her had lost her. She stood back up properly and made her way over to the register with a cold SmartWater 1.5-liter bottle and a mini pack of original Bugles in her hands.

"Hi there! Let me just get my wallet out," she said as she placed the items on the counter, looking down to her front-left pocket and nervously reaching into it. I noticed her other hand, the one she had placed on the counter, was shaking a bunch. I also noticed that she had checked her front pocket first, even though there was no way her wallet wasn't even in there.