Gracie & Gray

Chapter 23

G R A C I E

Stevie napped on, blissfully unaware of the painful, complex situation that her father and I now found ourselves entangled in.

Eventually, Gray and I crept back to the living room. We settled on opposite ends of the couch. I clutched the baby monitor in my hand for dear life. Stress and uncertainty writhed in the pit of my stomach. I knew we were about to have the conversation that I had been dreading for months. Gray looked pretty damn uncomfortable as well.

He cleared his throat. "So..."

His eyes searched for mine. I averted my gaze.

Glancing down at my lap, I echoed his awkwardness, "So..."

"Where do we, ah... go from here?"

"I guess," I mumbled, "we should try and work out a schedule for Stevie first. Did you want to switch off on alternating days? Or alternating weeks?"

Gray gulped. "You mean, like, the days when you'll drop her off at my place? And when I'd bring her back to you?"

I nodded. "Yeah, basically..."

"I'm looking for a new job right now, so I can't give you a fixed schedule yet, but, like, we can work out something temporary until, you know, I figure my shit out..."

"Okay, that's fine."

A beat of hesitation ticked between us. He began tapping his forefinger against his thumb in a twitchy rhythm.

Gray took in a deep breath. Then, he exhaled.

"To be honest, Gracie..."

"Hmm?"

His cheeks darkened with embarrassment.

"I don't know if I'm ready to take on Stevie by myself. Do you think I could, like, shadow you for a week before we set up any kind of independent schedule? I don't even know how to change a fucking diaper. I'm scared that I might do something stupid and hurt Stevie without meaning to..."

My eyes widened as a troubling realization hit me. I had been so focused on my own shit that I never stopped to consider this circumstance from Gray's perspective. His ask was entirely reasonable. He had been deployed since Stevie was born. Other than our weekly chats and occasional Skype video sessions, he knew next to nothing about taking care of a baby.

Of course he would be terrified.

In fact, I was shocked that he was handling everything as well as he was—especially since I knew how much he hated his own father and how much he never wanted to become a father in his own right.

I was deeply relieved that Gray brought up this issue on his own. I had already been planning to do some serious hand holding with Gray as he stepped into his new 'dad' role, but I was worried about coming across as overbearing or super controlling since, at the end of the day, I was only the aunt, the adoptive parent, and he was still her real dad.

Regardless of the countless grudges I held against Gray—

Regardless of our fucked up history together—

Regardless of his fucked up history with my sister—

I was determined to respect him as Stevie's father above everything else. I didn't know if I could set aside all of my bitterness to see him as my partner in crime rather than the man who had wronged me, but I was certainly going to try my damnedest to make this weird-ass partnership work for Stevie's sake.

Perhaps this was why I suddenly found myself extending an unlikely olive branch to Gray, "Why don't you stay with us for a week, so you can learn everything you need to know about Stevie alongside me... and then Stevie and I will go stay at your place for a week... to make sure that you're all set up to be the best dad you can be?"

Gray's eyebrows flew towards the ceiling.

He exclaimed, "Are you fucking serious, Gracie?"

I panicked. Had I been too forward?

I tried to back pedal. "I mean, it's just a stupid suggestion! Forget it, I don't know what I was—"

"No," Gray interjected in heated tones, "no, no, no! Don't you dare take it back! I'll move in as soon as you're ready for me."

I blinked a few times. Well, shit. I hadn't expected Gray to be so willing to try out this bold, borderline crazy idea of mine.

Out of nowhere, I found myself blurting out, "You'll need to sleep on the couch, of course!"

To Gray's credit, he didn't even finch.

"I'll sleep wherever you tell me to sleep, Gracie," he replied softly.

There was a look, a suggestion, a promise, in his gaze that left me a bit tongue-tied.

"Okay," I squeaked.

"You've been the one holding this entire shitshow together. I'm more grateful to you than you'll ever know, so whatever you say is law..."

"That's reassuring to hear, I guess," I mumbled.

His expression softened even more. "Remember? All you have to do is say the word..."

My heart clenched. He was referring to our old childhood game.

All the time, I used to say, Jump.

And he would ask, How high?

I refused to play along, though. Games were for children. Our past was dead. Lydia was dead. Stevie was the only reason Gray and I were back in each other's lives right now—a crucial fact that I couldn't forget if I wanted our co-parenting relationship to last.

In sharp tones, I reprimanded him, "If you want this co-parenting thing between us to work, Gray, then we need to set some boundaries..."

He frowned. "Like what?"

"Like... no flirting. No emotional crap. Don't dredge up our past. Treat me like a work friend, okay?"

"I wasn't flirting with you," he protested. "Trust me, if I wanted your attention in that way, you would know."

I narrowed my eyes. "I just wanted to be clear."

He rolled his eyes. "Relax, Gracie. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm the last guy on earth you wanna fuck right now."

My annoyance spiked. "Dude! This kind of loaded commentary is exactly what I'm talking about—"

Just then, the monitor flickered on. The sound of Stevie's wails filled the room.

"She's awake," he gasped in awe.

His eyes were locked onto the monitor. I didn't know how it was possible for someone to look so scared and enamored of another human being at the same damn time, but Gray was staring at Stevie as though she was the love of his life as well as a nightmare come true. Against my will, a small smile crept across my face. He looked kind of adorable.

With a sigh, I set aside my irritation to focus on more important matters.

"Come on, Gray. Looks like it's time to change your first diaper..."